Date:   10/16/2009 5:36:37 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   3,826
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1508751

Hi to you all,
this will not be easy...
I'll stay anonymous if you have nothing against it, but I need a HELP from you!
Sorry for my English, may be bad.
...my sister and I still live with parents, she is 31 and I am 27. It all happened when we were kids, as we were 6-5 years old. I do not know a lot things about it and my sister, just that she once mentioned to my mother when they have some arguments and my sister had some hysterical attack to my mother. She said something like: "...don't make me tell you what he had done to me..." I knew what was it... But her frequent hysterical arguments with my mom and some other things (I will mention it later) links her with childhood events.
About me... Remembering all this stuff came to me a few months ago when I was watched a local TV documentary about this subject. It speaks about a man from a shadow, dark of room, a subject that can not be speak. A few days later I was watching a movie "The Gift" (2000) with Cate Blanchett and Giovanni Ribisi; and a was thunderstrucked by Buddy Coles revenge to his father who sexually abused him. Then I find some books about this:
"Understanding Child Sexual Abuse" by Edward L. Rowan
"Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman
"The Interpretation of Dreams" by Sigmund Freud
...and really got into this.
Things that I can remember are:
- I had a bed-wetting (known as nocturnal enuresis) for a few years. Father was continuously blaming me for drinking of too much water before sleep. I remember one continuous dream from that period: I was chased by a big man somewhere outside, that man is like a shadow, dark, and I am loosing my power to run, I am slowing down and he is much closer, I'm so afraid what is going to happened when he grab me. Suddenly, I have success to escape: my feet starts to leave the ground, I feel no weight, I feel relaxed and the man stayed on the ground defeated. I link this intense tension and fear to keeping my urine, and relief link with bed-wetting. But that man I link to my father and danger.
This was a great trouble for me; we went to a few-days trips with school and I got a lot of shame cause of my problem. Also happened when I stayed at my cousins. This problem also reflected to my self-esteem in now-days.
- I also had a circumcision (removal of some of the foreskin from the penis - in hospital, of course). Before sending me to hospital, my father almost brutally came into a bathroom and tested if I can do it or have to go to hospital.
- When I was younger, my mom worked a night shifts in hospital and I don't remember where my sister was, but me and my dad stayed at home. I remember that he told me a few times that I don't have to make my own bed for sleep, that I can sleep with him. After a few times, I said that I rather sleep in my own bed, but no, it had to be the way he said. I remember that I was very scared beside him before I felt to sleep.
- Some period, I had some terrible pains in my stomach in the morning. Don't know what was the cause, but I lay down curled and for a half an hour pain was gone. Don't if it was some stomach infection or something else, but I remember that my mom was at home, she knew for my ache, and did nothing.
- For a more of 20 years I fell like nothing had changed in my family. My sister have no boyfriend and I don't have a girlfriend. Sexual subjects in our house are taboo. Our parents are not interested for us to make our own families. There is some violent line about my and sisters sexuality: she had a boyfriend for a few years that is in jail now; and about me, when I go to some p 0 r n sites, I search for some videos with a dose of violent, not rape, but with some dose of dominant male act. That makes my arousal good. Of course, I have no harm intentions to a women. They keep me as a shy guy.
- About my sister, she once sad that she was raped by some fathers friend. She and that man that to whom she trusted, swam the river one summer, and there he raped her. She was 11 or 13 years old. She told that to our mom, but she didn't believe to my sister. She said that she was asking for it.
...maybe some other stuff there is that I haven't mentioned, but maybe later I will. I had a girlfriends but I'm a still a virgin. As other say, girls and my friends, I am a very good looking guy, and I am interested in girls, oh yeah... but I feel a great anxiety when it comes to very intimate part. But nobody knows why cause it is my great secret. I cannot relax enough. One girl said when we were naked that I have some blockade in my head. But all I needed was a trust and then I think I could relax.

At the end, what I'm doing here...
I feel a great relief to say all this things, thanks to this forum! THANKS A LOT!!! This is very hard stuff.
And as I said, we still live together and there is no change in front of this family. School is done, and we have problems with getting a job (sister and I). But somehow we are stuck in this family, lost of plans and wishes. I know that I have discover this root and base of my temper, socialization, shyness, but I need and I want to go on from this point. I think that coming up with this issue in front of whole family may not be a good idea, it has to be very good planned, so I want to heal myself and move on. Judith Herman said that the basic of recovery is safety, but I am living with my father, the one that represented a danger for a so many years. Now I am physically stronger than him, but that is not the solution. I feel sorrow for my mom if she knew all this but couldn't say a thing. I have a book that I have in plan to read, "Mothers Surviving Child Sexual Abuse" by Carol-Ann Hooper, so I could understand and her if she was in trap all these years. Also, there is a bad history about my father, his father was an alcoholic and he beat my grandmother... But I cannot go that far. My father abused me and my sister.
What I want from you?
Any suggestion, what you would do in this situation... I don't think that my sister is so into this as I am now. As I said, sex is a taboo in this house.
Can someone say something helpful?
 

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