The purpose of this website is to introduce readers to my upcoming book project about toxic friendships. This is an interactive page and I hope you will be informed, encouraged and inspired to take authority over the toxic friendships in your life. Chances are, if you're visiting this site, you didn't land here by accident. You probably have some involvement with a toxic friend and you're looking for some answers. Although I don't have all the answers about toxic friendships, I do have some suggestions based on my own personal experience and research that I've done on the topic. I know for a fact that you are not alone in your struggle to understand the "whys" of your toxic friend. Dealing with a toxic friendship can be frustrating and even depressing at times but keep in mind....
There is life after a toxic friendship...
Even if she is your best friend...
In Case You Didn't Already Know
Toxic/unhealthy friendships are those that are unfulfilling, unrewarding and often unequal. Toxic friends can stress you out, use you and wear you down physically and mentally. Yet, many of us keep toxic friends in our lives for whatever reasons. We like our toxic friends and we dislike them at the same time. We put up with all they have to dish out over and over again. We complain to ourselves, other friends, relatives and whomever else will listen to us gripe about how our toxic friends do this and that to us.
But in many cases, what do we do about it? Absolutely nothing, and doing nothing becomes a bigger problem than the toxic friend. Why? because many of us don't tell our friend that their behavior causes us to feel a certain way. So as a result, our negative feelings and emotions toward that friend continue to build up and before long we find ourselves exhibiting the characterstics of a toxic friend. We become the great pretenders (the phonies) and act as if nothing is wrong; hoping our friend will "change" or "get it together". Which in most instances they won't because they don't know how to or they just don't want to.
Then there are those of us who find ways to let our toxic friends know exactly how their behavior makes us feel; unfortunately each and every time you mention it your friend she seems to have a hearing and/or comprehension problem. Or better yet, she tries to turn the tables on you and tell you, you're the one with the problem. Either way, if your friend turns on a deaf ear when you try to tell her that you're tired of the way she treats you, then you might want to ask yourself some serious questions in regards to the friendship, for example:
How do I feel after spending time with my friend?
Is there reciprocity in the friendship?
Is there truth and honesty in my friendship?
Is there a mutual respect for one another?
Is my friend loyal to me and I to her?
Can I freely express my true feelings about the friendship?
Does my friend criticize and belittle me?
Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me?
The list of questions can go on and on but if the answers
are mostly negative, you might want to re-evaluate your friendship.
Because...
That's right...
Everyone has their reasons...
Friendship is a choice!
You don't have to remain in a toxic friendship if you don't want to!
Friendship is truly a wonderful thing, but it is not a marriage. There is no legal written document that says you must remain friends with someone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated as a friend. Ending a close friendship is not an easy thing to do but sometimes it is the wise thing to do because if you cannot find reasonable ways of dealing/coping with your toxic friend, remaining in the relationship could do more harm than good!
We have all heard the many reports of how important it has to have friends in our lives. We know that positive friendships can increase the longevity of life. Healthy friendships can enhance our lives in so many different ways and the friendship bond of women is almost inexplicable.
Reporting the positive aspects of friendships is a valuable thing to our society but what's missing in all those reports are the facts about the other side of friendship, the toxic/unhealthy side. Unhealthy friendships can do all the opposite things that a healthy friendship can do. For instance, toxic friendships can cause a lot of stress and anxiety and we all know the physical ramifications of excessive stress in our lives, right? Just as healthy friendships can bring forth a lot of joy and happiness, toxic ones can bring forth a lot of emotional hurt, pain and sadness.
Now...if we know all of that (and some of us do)?
Why do we hold on to the myth and fantasy?
That we are supposed to be...
BEST
Everyone has their reasons...
"We've been friends for such a long time"
"What will I do without her?"
"I can't deal with the emotional pain of ending it"
"What will people think of me?"
"She's trying to change her behavior"
"I don't want to be alone"
"Because we do everything together"
"We have so much in common"
"Because we're just like sisters"
"We've been through all kinds of stuff together"
"She's my walking buddy"
"I don't deserve a healthy friendship"
"Because she's the one I can..."
And again, the list goes on and on!
Yes, we continue to hold on to our toxic friends,
Because it's so hard to let go,
But at some point (that point is different for us all)...
We must ask ourselves the tough question,
Now, before I go any futher, it must be noted that I am not a relationship expert or a professional in the field of psychiatry, psychology, sociology etc. I am what I like to call, " A Toxic Friendship Survivor", yes I have had a profound experience with a toxic friend who was by the way, my best friend (or so I thought). I am not a disgruntled friend, I chose to end the friendship after years of being used and betrayed by my former friend. Ending the friendship was what I had to do in order to save myself from further emotional turmoil. It was not an easy thing to do but it was indeed the wise thing to do for me.
I had been through the reasoning and compromising phase with my former friend many times, but all that did for me was to prolong the inevitable which was the complete dissolution of the friendship. My former toxic friend wanted to keep me as her friend regardless of how unhappy I was. She made many attempts to hold onto the friendship which was of course quite disturbing and challenging for me. When all was said and done, I had succeeded at perhaps one of the most difficult tasks of my adulthood. I was no longer a victim, I had become a victor...a survivor of a toxic friendship.
You see, my former toxic friend had no intentions of ending the friendship because she reaped all the benefits from it until I decided that enough was enough for me. Initially, she would not even acknowledge her negative/unhealthy behaviors, and when she finally did she would often say to me "that's just who I am". She had absolutely no intentions of changing who she was. She wanted me to except her as she was and continue to cater to her needs while she continued to use me and betray my trust. She expected me to remain her friend at the expense of my own mental health. I had already done that for much to long.
Although I took the bold step of confronting her many times about her behaviors and how they had such a negative impact on the relationships with her "friends"( especially our friendship), I knew she wasn't going to change. I knew in my heart that I had accepted her for who she was for much to long because it taken a great emotional toll on me. I realized that yes, I had to continue to accept her as she was but I no longer had to allow her in my personal space. She no longer had to be a part of my life. She could be who she was as long as it did not have an impact on any aspect of my life. So ultimately, I made the painful decision to walk away from the friendship. I had to detox her from my life. I had to change my behavior, my way of thinking and responding to my former toxic friend. I literally had to act as if she did not exist. I had to rediscover who I was.
You may have to rediscover self...
Don't allow yourself to be victimized by the sublte manipulation of a "best/close"friend...
A Little Info About My Former Toxic Friendship
My former toxic friend had used me for her own personal gain for the duration of the friendship. I should have walked away a week after I met her because that's how soon she started to use me but we developed a very close bond immediately; were we inseparable. So I justified her negative & unhealthy behaviors by reminding myself that she was "such a nice person". I realized much later that being excessively nice to people was how she hooked her victims. Sometime during the friendship, I also learned that I was not her first victim, I was just the latest. You see, my former toxic friend had a history of making a new friend almost every year. Unfortunately, those friends got fed up with her and eventually they became her acquaintances as opposed to the close friend as she once referred to them all. My former friend told me that those once close friends had all backed away from her. I could clearly understand why. I should have done the same. She would always say to me that I was the one who stayed around the longest and "put up with her". In reality, I was suppose to walk away a year after I met her just like the others had done, because that's how often she changed close friends. Afterall, that's who she was...
At any rate, being what I thought was a "good friend" I put up with her nonsense for such a long time because she "needed" my help with a lot of things in her life. Based on her past, I knew she needed a good supportive friend and that is what I thought I was to her. It was one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made in terms of my friendship with her. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't until a year after I discovered the betrayal that I was wise enough to walk away for good. I could no longer endure anymore emotional pain and suffering caused by someone who had continued to betray and use me in the way that she had. So I walked away and stayed away...
Walking away from a toxic/negative friendship doesn't mean...
That you no longer care about or love your friend,
It simply means that you have to start taking care of yourself!
Personally, I felt like I had gotten the short end of the stick for a very long time. Then one day, I realized that I had gone through this for a reason. I know now that I had this experience so that I can help others who are going through drama of a toxic friendship. My help to others will be by any means necessary. This book is just the beginning!
Toxic Friendship Survey (long version) Click Here to take survey
Toxic Friendship Survey (short version) Click Here to take survey
If you would like to learn more information about toxic friendships, check out some of the articles I have written on this topic by clicking on the link to my content page: