Date:   7/4/2009 11:16:32 PM ( 15 y ago)
Hits:   2,024
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1449938

Thanks, njimko, some really good advice there. Sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you are taking care of yourself.

No, Athena is not my real name - I built this pseudonym to give myself courage. It is based on the goddess of wisdom and war (I will prefer using wisdom to solve my problems, but will not shrink from all-out war, if that is the only way available), and the idea that I need to keep both my feet steadily on the ground (earth) to get through with this.

Yesterday was quite impossible - he stayed like five feet from me practically all day. Now I woke up early - we'll see how much I can get written this time.

The main reason why I feel the need to write here is that my husband has before been quite efficient in messing with my mind and getting me to doubt what I see and hear, and then I have given in and done nothing about our relationship. Now that I see that this "the fault is with you, not me" -treatment is starting to spread towards our eldest child (pre-teen, who is starting to be able to question things), all my warning bells are clanging loudly.

You see, when our relationship was new, we discussed quite a bit about the principle presented in many couples' guides: that both should be able to do each other's tasks, that both power and responsibility should be divided evenly. He was keen for me to learn to drive, both a car and a boat. Later, when we had moved into our current area, we went to neighborhood meetings together, sharing the tasks of making notes and keeping the kids occupied, so they did not disturb the meeting too much.

Somehow this has all changed, mostly slowly but quite radically. Now he nearly always drives any boat we use - he uses the words "I can do it" as if he is doing me a favor, but there is a warning in his voice, and if I insist on doing it, he will find something to criticize in my performance.

When it comes to cars, he is nowadays such an intrusive back seat driver, that I have practically stopped driving when he is in the car. Even when I am driving from our place to my mom or his parents - both live close, so I must have driven both routes hundreds of times - he keeps commenting on which lane I should be in, how fast I should go, what exact route I should take... Last time this happened I managed to keep quite calm about it and told him *four* times nicely but firmly that I was driving, not him, within the first 15 minutes of driving - only then did he shut up.

This type of behavior is starting to affect the kids directly, too. We are on a vacation now. Boats are involved. Our eldest has been on boats before, last summer, and can do quite a few things. However, this summer my husband has twice handled a situation and task, which are completely new to Eldest by a) giving no guidance, just saying "do X" (where X is boating jargon) and then b) raising his voice and berating the kid when she makes a mistake and c) afterward, when the kid has told him (timidly, seeking comfort) that she did not like what happened, he has said, rather huffily, that he did not mean to make her sad, that she should not be so sensitive, and that she should be able to think for herself already. No apology, no attempt to communicate about how he could do differently in the future, and putting guilt on the kid ("you should be able to...").

This is exactly how he used to treat me, before I started standing up for myself. Once he was abroad, and I went to a neighborhood meeting in his stead. I had to leave early, to put the kids to bed, and did not hear the last of the discussion. When he came home and heard from the neighbors about some things that had been discussed after I left, he completely flew off the handle and accused me of being careless and reporting poorly to him. I told him that he was being irrational, that I can not possibly report about what I have not witnessed - he just stared at me and panted. Never apologized, never admitted that his reaction would have been weird in any way.

There are loads of examples like this, when he demanded the practically impossible of me, and never admitted that he had been in any manner irrational or unpleasant.

These changes in his behavior have happened especially strongly and fast during and after his heavier drinking, which started some 1.5 - 2 years ago and lasted almost a year. That autumn, winter and spring he had at least four drinks every evening during the week, and 6-8 (and sometimes even more) per day during the weekend. I was first worried and spoke to him about it - he shrugged it off and meant that he had it under control. Out of principle I did not watch him or count his drinks exactly, but as he does not pick up after himself, it became rather obvious. I woke up first in the morning, and cleared away four items or more: a whisky glass, a brandy glass, one or two empty beer cans, a wine glass...

I went through a series of different reactions to his drinking. To begin with I did not think about it so much, took a drink sometimes in the evening myself - after all, I had once gone through a period of drinking that was almost as heavy as this and come out alright. Pretty soon I started to worry, though, especially as our bedroom stank of raw alcohol on Saturday mornings. I lost my own liking for all alcohol, because it now felt that if I agreed to have wine with dinner during the weekend, I encouraged him to drink. I started to say that I did not want wine. He grew irritated and accused me of being a killjoy. I then asked him to share a sober January with me - he refused.

By March 2008 things had deteriorated to the point where he said these kinds of things to me:
-you are a real bitch
-you would drive anyone to drink

I had a really stressful time at work then, so I did not feel I had enough energy or a strong enough position to take decisive action yet, but those comments really woke me up. I vowed to act as soon as the work crunch was over.

- to be continued -

I had better post this now, while I still can hear him snoring. THANKS again for being there for me & listening! It makes a world of difference to get these things written down, to think about them properly, even if it is only for a short while each time.

AE

 

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