Date:   5/28/2009 9:23:17 AM ( 15 y ago)
Hits:   3,051
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1427553

I am new to this forum and I couldn't figure out how old these posts were. I would love to hear an update. I'm wishing you well! I also wanted to say a big Thank you to Lessa! Lessa, your post was incredibly helpful to me as well!


To the kind man that posted this thread. A few random thoughts that came to me while I was reading through this thread (hopefully they will help):

1. your wife sounds very similar to my mother. I spent almost 20 years trying to communicate with her, trying to help her understand herself, trying to help her deal with her inner issues and trying to improve our relationship. Finally, after a significant event (no point in getting into details) she finally convinced me that she absolutely does not want to change. Meaning she never will change. It was a sad and hurtful moment for me but I'm glad it happened because it was the final confirmation that I needed to move on and to let go of the hopes that I had for our relationship because to continue trying would have been draining and pointless. I think my father enables her to continue to live her life in denial because he is patient, he accepts her and gives in to her outbursts and requests. I'm not sure how he does it and I wish he would communicate the way that you do. So this makes me worry for you that A) your wife may never be willing to change no matter what you try or what you do and B) if A is true then perhaps you run the risk of enabling her unhealthy lifestyle while needlessly hurting yourself

2. Congratulations on being a father! I am sure you will be an Amazing parent! I hope that what I'm about to say next will Never apply to your family. I have had to emotionally and physically distance myself from my mother in order to be able to discover and improve myself. It sounds like your wife and my mother share insecurities, low self worth, and low self esteem. It also seems that they have chosen to deal with those issues in the same manner, through denial and anger. My mother took out her frustrations out on me and emotionally, psychologically and physically abused me until I left home. Even from afar, she continued to try to verbally abuse me. I worry that if your wife can not deal with her issues, that she may one day damage the well being of your child. I pray that I am wrong. but I hope that you will watch out for signs of this. it starts small with criticism, guilt trips, withdrawal of attention/love as punishment (often not justified), and subtle mental manipulation.

3. you mentioned that you feel parents should stay together for the health of their children. it warms my heart to hear about someone who cares so much for their child. i have read that children raised by parents that have a loveless marriage are almost just as likely to have Depression as children raised by divorced parents. I sincerely hope that your wife will get better, and that the marriage between you two will bring you happiness.

4. it sounds like your wife had a similar childhood as mine. so it sounds to me like her inner voice (as a result of the mistreatment from the people who were supposed to love her the most) is telling her that she doesn't deserve to be with a good man like you, that she isn't worthy of true love, and that she will never be good enough for you. The problem with this negative inner voice is that she may be subconsciously self sabotaging your relationship to prove her inner voice right.

5. i think what she really needs (other than to face her problems) is to improve her self esteem. although self esteem must come from within herself, there are things that you can do to help get the ball rolling. to give her enough self esteem to set the fear aside just enough so that she can start looking internally. one suggestion is to do things with her that she wouldn't normally do, challenging things, especially physical/athletic things (ie. join a recreational team sport, training to run a race/marathon, learn how to do something together like rock climbing), etc.

6. you seem like a wonderfully sensitive, understanding, giving, and thoughtful person. You give me much needed hope :) it makes me worry (if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a worrier haha) that while focusing so much of your thoughts on helping your wife and caring for your child, that you will forget to (or perhaps are choosing not to) focus on yourself. I've read that often (not always) people choose partners that have similar levels of insecurity or self esteem. for someone who is as observant, understanding and psychologically aware as you, i can't help but wonder if perhaps you came to be as wonderful as you are through having to overcome personal struggles and insecurities of your own. this would allow you to more easily recognize insecurities in others. you appear to be a high achiever (which is fantastic) and I wonder if this is your way of overcoming or ignoring your personal insecurities. If you have more self esteem than your wife (which appears to be the case), then I worry that your self esteem will take a hit if you are measuring your self worth based on how much you are able to help your wife. Please take good care of yourself and put yourself first or else you will lose sight of who you are and will end up being too drained to care for your family the way that you want to.

You're in my thoughts. I wish you and your family All the best. I hope i didn't sound too negative!

 

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