Date:   3/29/2009 8:21:58 AM ( 15 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1385030

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Hello. This is something I've been wanting to ask about for awhile - perhaps you can help me resolve this question. This is something that I'm not proud of AT ALL - but, from about the time my brother was two years old to the time he was about seven (or was it eight?) - I sexually abused my younger brother. I am eight years older than he is, and a female. I guess the relatively large age-difference between us - coupled with the fact that I had an early "sexual awakening" (I was 9 or 10 when I started having sexual feelings/desires) - didn't do either of us any favors when it came to setting up a situation for abuse.

When the abuse first started happening, my brother was pretty unwilling - it was basically coercion. Because he was so small and young compared to myself, I imposed my will on him with relative ease. I guess kids have an "instinct" for when something isn't right, or when something makes them uncomfortable - and I think my brother knew right away that this wasn't "right". But, after awhile, I didn't have to impose my will - he was a willing partner. He even was the one who often "initiated" things - with a question of whether or not I wanted to "do this?". We didn't have full intercourse - we would just "dry hump" (we may have done it in our underwear, or even removed our underwear - but there was never any real penetration). Despite his tender age, he seemed to be getting some pleasure/sexual gratification out of our encounters.

Well, looking back - my brother started showing signs that he might be gay from a young age. I can't remember what age he was when he started doing this, but he liked to "play dress up" with my mother's slips and bras and things - he was "cross-dressing" as a child. I think I remember him doing this even in junior high (when he was about 12 or 13). And he liked to imitate my ballet moves - although this might be relatively "normal" for a boy who is "idolizing" his older sister.

When it came time for him to start becoming interested in girls - I don't think he developed much of an interest. He had a lot of friends and a healthy social life - but, while his friends would be hooking up with girlfriends - he would just play "matchmaker" and "counselor" roles to these friends (meaning - he would sort-of set people up with each other or advise them on their relationships). He was a friendly "ear" to his friends in matters of love - but he never really seemed to have romantic relationships of his own. Even when he entered college, I don't think there was much in the way of romantic relationships - he might have tried to "fake" things from time to time, but usually - he was just inactive in that part of his life. (As far as I know: I mean, I'm his older sister, and usually siblings have at least an "inkling" of each other's romantic relationships. I don't think my mother and father has ever noticed much in the way of his dating, either.). I think his "Christianity" really blossomed in college. He was growing and blossoming in many areas, but things remained "dormant" in the romantic arena. He seemed to play the "Christian", "straightlaced" role: he would sort-of pride himself on not indulging in the partying, drinking, carousing lifestyle of his fellow college mates.

I remember one "strange" afternoon - my mother seemed upset about something, and shared with me that the minister of the church she and my brother attended (I wasn't attending this church by this time) was seeming to "subtly" accuse my brother of being gay and a pedophile. My brother had/has a rapport with children (children love him) - and he would love babysitting kids in the church's nursury while services were going on. As far as we know, my brother didn't molest any of these kids - there has been no evidence of that - but for some reason (according to my mother) - the minister suspected my brother of being gay and/or a (potential) pedophile. I think my mother - with her "maternal instinct" - suspected that my brother was gay and had pedophile tendencies, too.

And so it continues to this day: my brother's "mysterious" sexuality. He's 27 now, and I don't think he's ever really dated girls. He hangs out with friends alot - so who knows what he's doing (or not doing?). But I get that "vibe" that he's homosexual: he doesn't have effeminate mannerisms - but he likes things that stereotypically-gay men like. He likes Broadway musicals - he's really into that. He's into singing - and has even been part of various choruses and choirs (he has even been a member of a men's chorus, while he was still in grad school). He'd much rather watch gymnastics and figure skating than the "major", male-dominated sports, it seems. Sometimes his "colorful" taste in clothes seems to be a sign. And I've almost *never* heard him talk about a woman as if he were sexually/romantically attracted to her - he talks about women neutrally, or even as a gay man would talk about a woman.

But maybe it wasn't necessary that I get into the details of my brother's suspected gayness. The main issue here is that I worry that my sexual abuse may have caused his "sexual confusion", or gayness. Often, when I think about it - it pains me that I damaged this man. Not that I'm homophobic: by using the word "damaged" - I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being gay. But I worry that my sexual abuse altered his "sexual path" in life. If I had never committed incest with him - what would his sexuality be like today? If I had never touched him, would he be the average, heterosexual guy who is able to form healthy romantic relationships with women?

Knowing what I know now, if I had it all to do over again - I wouldn't have touched him. I was just a kid myself when I was sexually exploiting him. I mean, I knew what we were doing was "wrong", and "forbidden" - but I had no idea of the (possible) damage I was inflicting on my brother. I was clueless that sexual abuse could have such a profound negative impact on a person - especially a young, developing kid. Sometimes I get "teary" - or actually cry - thinking of what I did to him. It hurts me that my actions damaged him and may have robbed him of healthy sexual development.

Anyway - I want to ask you guys - could my sexual abuse have made him gay? There has also been suspicion that he has pedophile tendencies (although he may not have acted upon them) - I'm a little bit more "certain" that my abuse played a role in the development of these pedophilic tendencies (if they're indeed there).
 

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