Date:   1/28/2009 11:58:51 PM ( 15 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1345331

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Important: only read this if you are ready and healthy enough to start making changes to overcome social anxiety. If the tone of this post seems strong, it's because SA demands psychological strength to overcome. Be patient but persistent. Never beat yourself up.

[i]I'll be updating frequently
I hope this helps[/i]

[b]Q: I hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt[/b]

[b]A: [/b]Let yourself get hurt! The pain that comes from "fear of being hurt" IS SO MUCH WORSE than actually getting hurt. When you live in constant fear, you are in CONSTANT PAIN! Stop protecting yourself from your imaginary fears. You need to feel real pain in order to feel real pleasure.

Please, PLEASE try wearing your heart on your sleeve just once. Show your true personality Let someone hurt you. Realize that it's okay to get hurt, and living in fear is so much more painful. Do this and you'll see what it feels like to actually be alive.

[b]Q: I'm often fantasizing about having a better life because I hate my current situation[/b]

[b]A:[/b] A huge key to happiness is the act of accepting reality. Denying reality leads to ultimate suffering (trust me, I've been there). You can't change anything until you first accept that "it is, the way it is". Living in a fantasy world might be fun for a while, but it won't change reality.

So once you've accepted your situation, you can decide to make changes. Let's say you see yourself as inadequate (hypothetically). Okay, what would you be like if you were adequate? Make a list of the qualities that you would have if you saw yourself as adequate. These are your goals. Some might be: to be in good shape or to be confident.

Then do some research and figure out how you can reach these goals. Arrange them from short term to long term, and make a specific course of action that will let you reach your goals.

[b]Q: I don't know how to have a conversation; I can't think of anything to say[/b]

[b]A:[/b] You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

I know it's not easy with SA. Life isn't easy. Everyone knows the keys to being healthy are to exercise and eat right, but how many obese people are there in the US? They don't have the focus and the discipline. I just told you the keys to having a comfortable conversation. It's up to you to focus and use them.

It might sound like I'm being really firm, but this is it. This is what works. The only thing stopping you is the belief that you can't do it. Someone can preach to you all day long, but it's up to you to decide when you're ready to let go of your negative beliefs. That's all that SA is, a set of negative beliefs.

The most powerful piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXH-l3nz85E
(Live - Run to the Water)

[b]Q: I have trouble performing tasks in front of others[/b]

[b]A: [/b]It's because you're not focusing on the task. Pictures are flashing into your brain so fast that you might not even realize it. In these pictures you're visualizing making a mistake, and the people around you laughing, pointing, looking confused at what you're doing, judging you, etc. You're also having self defeating thoughts like "I can't do this, I hate this, why do these people have to be watching me, I'm going to screw up I know it."

With all of this brain chatter, between the mental pictures and the defeating self-talk, you're not even paying attention to what you're doing. You're too busy imagining possible disasters, remembering times that you made mistakes, and telling yourself that you can't do it. All of this might even be subconscious and it will just feel like your mind is going blank.

So what can you do? The first step is to recognize these absurd, paranoid thoughts. Become aware of the thoughts. BREATHE! I know you've heard it before, don't blow it off because it really does work. Become aware of your breath, take in a nice deep, smooth comfortable breath. Distance yourself from the thoughts, like you're a scientist simply observing. Let those negative thoughts pass. Don't fight them, just accept that you had those thoughts and let them pass. Pay attention to what you're doing, and if the negative thoughts show up again, repeat the process.

1. Recognize that you're having paranoid thoughts.
2. Breathe. Deep, slow, comfortable breaths.
3. Distance yourself from these negative thoughts. They are not you. They are your past haunting you.
4. Accept that you are having these irrational thoughts. It's okay.
5. Let the thoughts pass. Don't try to fight them. Just breathe and let them pass.
6. Pay attention to what you're doing.

This will work, but you have to make the conscious effort to DO IT. Ram this stuff into your brain over and over, and eventually you won't even have to think about it anymore.

[b]Q: I feel uncomfortable walking outside[/b]

[b]A:[/b] What you can do is notice how you walk when you're in the comfort of your own home, when you're relaxed. You probably lean back, your shoulders are pushed back comfortably, your chin is up and your neck is relaxed. Also notice how you're breathing, probably nice smooth, comfortable deep breaths.

Now next time you're walking outside, remember how comfortable you felt walking in your home, and take on that same body language and breathing, and you might be surprised at how comfortable you feel outside. You might even think to yourself "hey, I'm feeling pretty good."

[b]Q: I can't fake being happy; I appear to be sad/anxious.[/b]

[b]A:[/b] It's good that you're being genuine; you're wearing your heart on your sleeve. There are a lot of fake people in this world (but I don't judge them, they're doing the best they can). It would be nice if you could figure out how to be happy on the inside, and the outside would follow suit.

The interesting thing about our biology, though, is that body language does play a rather big role in determining our emotional state, but it's only half the game. If you put on a big fake cheesy smile but you're still thinking about how miserable you are, chances are you'll continue to feel miserable. But if you look in the mirror and give yourself a nice genuine smile and think to yourself "I was feeling down a minute ago, but for the moment right now I feel pretty good" you might actually start to feel good.

Try this experiment:
Slump over in your chair, put your elbows on your knees and your head in your hands and think to yourself "I'm miserable"

Then sit up tall, lean back, raise your chin and look up above eye level and think to yourself "Yeah, I feel all right"

Notice the difference this has on your emotional state. Now, it's impossible to lie to yourself. You can't convince yourself that you're the happiest person alive if you truly believe that you're miserable. But what you can do is carry yourself in a way that's a little more positive than you're used to, and realize that you're making progress, feeling a little better each day. Because in the end, it's all in your head. As soon as you allow yourself to start being happy, you will be happy.

[b]Q: I'm uncomfortable accepting compliments and criticism[/b]

[b]A:[/b] If someone gives you a compliment, just thank them. Chances are they meant it, or they were being polite because they like you. If someone gives you constructive criticism, respect their opinion and consider if they're right or wrong. If someone just plain insults you, that's their problem, and they are the one with the issue, not you.

[b]Q: I'm afraid that my friends don't like me; I can't get close to my friends[/b]

[b]A:[/b] These people are probably your friends because they like you and enjoy your company. If you enjoy their company as well, then spend time with them and the relationship will naturally grow. But if you're constantly worrying about them not liking you, then they'll get the feeling you don't like them. Just have fun with them.

[b]Q: Before I make a phone call, I panic and worry about what to say, then after the call I criticize everything that I said[/b]

[b]A: [/b]First you need to take control of the physical side of the panic attacks. Amazingly, your body language and your breathing have a huge impact on your emotional state. Sit up or stand up tall and strong. Think of someone who is confident and capable, and stand how he would stand. Push your shoulders back a little, chin up a little, feet shoulder width apart. Look softly above the horizon. Take up some space. You deserve to be comfortable. Lean back and relax. Breathe deep and comfortably.

Now, don't worry about every little detail, every little word and phrase that you're going to say. Only have one thing in your mind: what do you want to accomplish from this phone call? What's the main goal? Making an appointment? Setting up an interview? Fine. Just keep the main goal in your mind and the details will take care of themselves.

Finally, after you've made the call, don't beat yourself up. NEVER beat yourself up. Be your own best friend. Feel good because you did it! You made the call. And when you make mistakes, separate the emotion from the mistake. Look at the mistake as if you're a scientist observing it objectively. Now, instead of dwelling on it, think about how you can improve next time. There is no such thing as failure, only opportunities for learning and growing.

[b]Q: I can't defend myself when someone makes fun of me; it brings me down[/b]

[b]A:[/b] You're giving your power away to these people who make fun of you. You're letting them determine how you feel. We have the ability to choose how we respond to every stimulus. Next time someone says something like that to you, stop for a moment. Become aware of your posture and your breathing: your physiology directly affects your emotional state. Sit or stand up a little taller, push your shoulders back a little bit, raise your chin a little, take in a nice deep breath. Ask yourself, "Is this really a big deal? Am I really going to let this guy, or anyone, bring me down?" If you take control of your emotions, you won't even feel the need to defend yourself, you'll be able to laugh it off.

[b]Useful links:[/b]
[u]The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment[/u]. This is a life changing book for anyone, just read the reviews. It teaches you to live in the moment. [url]http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523[/url]

[u]Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step By Step[/u]. Cognitive behavioral therapy in the comfort of your own home. This is invaluable. [url]http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/audioseries.html[/url]

NewPoster111's insights on "defeating the 3rd person perspective." Open your mind and read what he has to say, there's a lot of wisdom in his posts. [url]http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt22474.html[/url]
 

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