Date:   11/30/2008 4:43:04 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   9,846
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1308232

Sorry Ill post a new post instead of editing the other one.

I was just curious if you read what I wrote because I think it was pretty honest as far as me recognizing the roots of my problem and what I need to work on.

As far as drugs, you never tried them ever? That's cool. EVeryone is different. I don't regret a single drug I've done. I'm not against drugs in a general sense.. I support decriminalization efforts whenever I can, especially for pot but I personally believe all drugs should be legal. I think we should each be responsible for the choices we make. I'm not even "against" alcohol, I say nothing is inherently "good" or "bad" as I do know people who've never had a bad experience with alcohol, only good and fun ones and had no trouble controlling themselves.

I basically believe that people should do whatever makes them happy and whatever keeps their life aligned with God and their own light. SOme drugs fit within this space for me, most do not.

But to answer your question, I would say no, for me anyway, drugs are not harder to kick. I smoke pot once in awhile (like every 1-2 months maybe) and I don't find it addictive at all, in fact I don't see how people do it all the time, too much would create sluggishness in me. Crack cocaine, I quit it cold turkey but I did dream about it every night for like 6 months.. vivid.. mouthwatering dreams about mountains of white powder, piles of rock.. but once I'd made the choice I made the choice and never went back..

All the other drugs I've ever done didn't feel addictive at all.

But alcohol, damn alcohol. It's not that it's addictive, it's that it makes it easier to turn away from the light in favor of internal vices. It's also more of a problem for a lot of people because it's SO socially acceptable. So many people do it that it's difficult to meet people who do anything else I don't really care though, it's only vanity which makes me want to be socially popular. It all goes back to vanity.

That is why I questioned if you read my post. It's definitely not about physical addiction to anything, for me, it's about ME.

See, in the year I remained sober, I was still chasing vanity. My physical condition was so bad I could not be physically vain anymore (when my skin had the horrid outbreaks all over it). During that time, I didn't drink but I noticed I had become sort of addicted to cleanses and Liver Flushes and supplements.. I would be on here like 6 hours a day reading about cleansing.. I imagined Liver Flushing away the toxins within and becoming clear skinned and beautiful. I was suicidal (as you've seen by a few of my desperate pleas for help I posted on curezone around that time) because I was ugly. To me, ugliness was the end all. If you are not a gorgeous, sexy woman in this world, perfect like the women on tv, you are nothing. <- this of course, is not a true statement, this is what I felt at the time, and what is still ingrained in me on some level.

Now that God has given me the means to cure myself (discovering the problem was my celiac disease), it has given me this overwhelming power and freedom. I am one of the beautiful people again. I can do anything. I can walk into a bar and get any guy I want. I can walk down the street looking perfect and have men stare at me. I can dance in a strip club, be a p 0 r n star, even a pin up model if I want to. But all these things go back to vanity and all of them lead me away from my true purpose.

My shell is just my shell, my mind and spirit have the capability of creating a career in my life which will last ages after I'm gone. My writing career. Doing what I truly am meant to do means not having vanity. My looks go to waste sitting in front of a computer, typing something out that people will read, not see. I don't get to feel sexy and powerful writing, but I do get something else, a better sort of feeling. It's the power to really have a voice.

And I choose that, because I truly see now why Vanity is a sin, I've been thinking a lot about the 7 deadly sins now and it's so true.. they are all deadly. I used to think vanity was my right, that not being vain to the fullest somehow deprecieted the horrible struggle I went through to get clear healthy skin. But I know now that the struggle was to get me to be a healthy person, it wasn't about my looks. I know vanity and power are fleeting but deep self respect because of truly accomplishing something lasts forever. I don't have to be vain because I now have beauty, but I CAN have the self respect of surviving through the bad time when I was very sick.

Everything we do should be an act of self love, and over time that creates more self respect. When we stay close to God, its impossible to act in any way other than self love, because hurting yourself hurts God, which is the worst feeling. Turning away from God, and numbing his voice with alcohol in order to pursue vanity is a orgasmic high no doubt, but it leaves you cold and alone when the high wears off. There is no worse feeling.

<3

 

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