Date:   11/29/2008 7:01:34 PM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   1,713
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1307775

I have to write about my most vulnerable fear today, so it's hard... First, I should state my purpose in writing. First: I am totally sincere. I do not appreciate rude responses -- many are not directly rude but I have to protest against abusive language -- "crazy," or similar... very unfair to post my blog here, too... I am setting down this detail re. my life so as to get clear and accountable about some long-standing problems. I said this at the outset: I was going to post until I "got it." I need to learn to fast, at length, healthily, the right way, since fasting will heal me. There are obstacles. These are not going to change overnight! My first step is to record what I am actually, honest to God, doing. I do believe in the process. Change will come. It is coming already, with my day count. And with my new post-fast eating plan. .. I really think this sort of behavioral stuff has to be rather frequently reported. Otherwise I get back into bad habits/places I don't want to be.
I know that I am helping myself and others in doing this writing. That is my sincere and responsible belief. People may project fear about what I write about, but remember my comparatively good state of health. People post about being obese/having cancer, and they are not attacked. I am changing the behavior that could hurt my health, instead of going all the way into obesity/cancer, alone, sharing with no one.
One main thing is I just would like to be respected in my process. I feel this need urgently. I guess sometimes I ask effectively for, and get, that respect/confidence/understanding, and sometimes I don't, and so whatever. The important thing is I keep sharing and working toward health. The underlying purpose is to get healthy physically, through fasting. To do that I have to share about my process. I hope to develop a way of sharing that works for me and also does not overburden other people. ... People here should know I have a lot of support for my fasting, both professional (therapy, health professionals) and non-professional (support groups). But for the fasting path to healing that I have chosen, I think there just isn't a lot of formal structure, or I still have trouble finding it. I have been trying to create a fasting support group in my area. I might need this structure in order to be open with others in a way that really changes my life. When that gets going, maybe this forum won't hear from me any more. I certainly believe, based on my long reading/experience, very different things from what (v. unhealthy!) often is expressed about fasting/the body, on this forum. But maybe - I hope this will come true -- there will be room for my ideas here, too. I really, sincerely believe that I have got something very important to share. Actually, there is room for me here, for my ideas, now I think about it. I think MY resistance to simply going without food is the real difficulty. Well, I will keep sharing because it really helps me and others and it lets me see my own process.

So. Last night I was compulsed to eat in spite of being still a bit overwhelmed by the huge previous night's dinner... I had awoken yesterday compulsed to eat in the morning despite being groggy/unbalanced/impacted by that food -- but I ate only 380 cals (almonds, raspberries: ate also SOME cherry tomatoes, cause I couldn't stop. This bloated me a bit. At that meal I was so unhappy as I came to the end of it and had to sit on my hands. But I did stop sooner than I wanted to and bloated less than might have. good...) and that was only at about 11:30 am, not right on awakening.... Toward the end of the day I also got another, delayed bloating reaction to the 380 cals. ... and I was in the painful condition of being compulsed to eat a dinner, though I was bloated and my body was saying NO to food, and eating was also just not OK with me since I was feeling sad.... I was alone, unengaged, lacking purpose, so that was compulsing me. The other thing that was compulsing me was that I felt this urge to eat as much as I could before my next fast. I felt "entitled" to a certain number of eating sessions before the fast. OK. This is a problem. I need to explore this... Ok. The ideal course of action would have been: to go to bed without eating, and give my poor body a break. What thought process prevents this?

(I have a difficult goal: to be able really to push away the food if it isn't OK with me. The difficulty of the goal may make it hard for people to read about someone trying to attain it, but it is my goal and I know it will bring me health and nothing else will. So.)

So last night I did this enema and it enabled me to push the dinner down. No bloating post-meal, I think. And the meal only 600 cals. accurately measured. But the whole thing not OK with me: compulsive, time-consuming, self-violating, self-repressing, wearing. Addictive using. I slept 8 hours, and this a.m. I was sad cause I had no place "warm" to go to. I went to an AA meeting and still couldn't self-disclose. This is tough. Guilt for passively deceiving the AAs; lack of support. Sometimes people are ready to give support but you aren't ready to use the support. If someone appeared before me and said: I support you to push away the food when it isn't OK with you -- I would resist the support. I am working out my resistance by writing.

So this a.m.: ate right away after meeting, at 10 a.m. Because yesterday ate lightly, felt "entitled" to eat heavily. A meal of avocadoes and almonds. 950 cal. meal. NOT OK. So grim. Violent. The entry into a lonely day. Bloating although these are not really bloating foods. My intestine unusually sensitive this whole post-fast period. A good sign: my body is protesting more loudly against my compulsive overeating. A sign of strength and healing. The fast initiated this healing. .. I went to my support groups and cried a lot and expressed a lot about my pain re. Thanksgiving/my family's rejection of me. I am in togetherness w/ people now, somewhat less lonely, feel OK. Then I came to what really is my work right now -- narrating my project to heal through fasting, here.

To check in about right now. It's 5 pm. I am not bloated. I am compulsed to eat a dinner.

... what thought process prevented my pushing away the food last night? The million dollar question. I am in the same process right now. it has to do with a failure of my imagination. I can't construct a story for myself that says that it is really OK if I push away the food. I need to construct such a story. .. I think I need to commit even more to making fasting and healing the central purpose of my life and my real work. i need to set myself tasks about working through this thing. I know if I apply myself I can do it.

I have to decide when to do my 72 h fast. I think maybe I will start tomorrow. I am thin, but I think I have eaten a normal # of cals. this wk. so should be able to reassure myself. I have been thinking of starting tomorrow so I have momentum./preparation. I will have to prepare myself some more and really decide when to start. Maybe Monday -- a little more preparation. I still have to set down exactly how to eat after the fast. I have got to do this. It is not as "satisfying" as fasting but that restraint-in-eating period is so important. OK. Anya, thank you again for your great response. I am so appreciative. Lauray

 

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