Date:   10/16/2008 8:22:49 AM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   13,830
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1278243

Hang in there, Jusme - Fledgling has always provided excellent insight and there are others on this site who will be there to help you along your path.  Just keep in mind that computer screens and internet boards cannot (CAN NOT) take the place of strong, healthy, face-to-face emotional counseling and these people can only provide you with encouragement and support.  You must find the answers and methods that will best suit your needs. 

The feelings of sadness, loss, and grief that we experience whenever we end a relationship are normal, and they are amplified when the relationship is with a malignant narcissist - they do seem charming, affable, kind, generous, etc., but if we look much deeper and are willing to view their behaviors without the blinders of denial, we can clearly see the backhanded compliments, the one-upmanship, and the rest.  To acknowledge that we've been victims (supply sources) to fuel these behaviors causes our feelings to be more intense:  we have been used; we are not considered human beings; we are toys of control; etc.  This is true with any relationship with a malignant narcissist, whether it's a spouse, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, supervisor, etc.  Anyone can be a malignant narcissist, and you are not alone in your feelings of loss and sadness.

Jusme, you may wish to consider looking for a different counselor.  To discuss the issues of other clients is strictly taboo and 100% inappropriate, especially if the outcome was tragic and she is using that as an excuse for not practicing what she has been trained to do.  She has made it very clear that she is unwilling to face down a malignant narcissist - she won't meet with him alone, and a good and wise therapist/counselor is not only willing, but able to put on the Therapist Face and allow a narcissist to go on, and on, and on, thus digging themselves in deeper, and deeper.  You may have to "try on" a few counselors until you find one who is confident, plays by the rules, and is willing to meet the challenge of facing a malignant narcissist.  The one thing that she did say that made sense was that you  may want to consult an attorney to discuss your options - in some States, Family Court Judges can even Order that the spouse pay for their legal counsel and fees.  At any rate, I would gently urge you to consider finding a different therapist/counselor.

With regard to being afraid of being alone, this is just a symptom of what you've endured over the years.  From my own experience, I believed that I enjoyed my ex's company because his company was all I had.  He kept me isolated, off-balance, and it came to the point where I honestly believed that I either didn't rate having my own network of friends, or that (as he would constantly say) they "wanted something" from me, like money, sex, etc.  I was also afraid to be "alone" and didn't know how to fill in the silence except with background noise.  It was a long time until I learned that there are much worse things to cope with than being alone.  I learned how to listen in the midst of silence and enjoy my own company - previously, my thoughts and feelings were so dark and dreadful, that I couldn't bear being alone.  Once I began following through with my plan to leave, I began to feel more confident, valuable, and comfortable with myself.  What it boiled down to was that I was afraid to be alone because I had been living alone the whole time with that man, and I was facing a different kind of "being alone" than I was accustomed to.  I was facing "risk" and I was afraid to "risk" losing what I was accustomed to (regardless of how miserable my environment was) and leap into something unknown to me.

Keep in mind, if your husband has any idea that you want to leave, or that you're planning on leaving, he will make any promise to keep you with him and it's not because he feels "love" as we understand it to be - he will be losing property, not a human being with feelings, thoughts, and dreams.  I associate the NPD with a dog that jealously guards a favorite bone - he hides it and skulks around with it so that nobody else will take it from him.  So, I would gently suggest that you make all arrangements and appointments in secrecy, and tell nobody that is involved in your business or personal life. 

You're going to be fine, Jusme - you will.  You're going to do what you need to get done to save your Self (Self is that Life's Spark that makes you unique).  Certainly, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster ride, but it's nothing that you can't handle.  You're going to come out of this experience wiser, emotionally richer, self-assured, self-confident, and independent.  You won't ever be "afraid" of being alone, again, because you will become strong, wise, and confident as a result of your Survival.

My best wishes to you.

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