Date:   10/13/2008 1:25:10 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   7,166
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1276163

HI Angelofeventide.

Thanks for your note. One thing I want to say that is a bit off-topic, but you are a wonderful writer.

I write too, and I have a father who hoards. He is also not as bad as the people you see on Oprah, but he has this same hoarding and not letting go, and I believe it serves the same function for the hoarder--despite the level of intensity.

Hoarding is an attempt at control. All of us have "illusions" of control that we use in an effort to try to control our environments, our fears, other people, our emotions...

Hoarding is simply one of those ways.

And while I see that you are a very self-aware and loving person, we need to understand that we ultimately can't "help," other people. People are going to do what they're going to do and sometimes their behavior will hurt us - and hurt others - but there's little we can do to alter this.

Just about the only thing is to change our behavior, our perceptions, and our responses to this person. This is particularly difficult when we're talking about a parent. It took me years before I managed to see my father (and my mother, and my sister, and then my love relationships) as a separate person, on his own path, with his own soul whose path may need to be right where he is.

This is a tough concept to embrace, but many spiritual principles will show that people's paths are not always "perfect." Sometimes we want to impose our perfect ideas on these people, but I can guarantee you that is a losing effort. :)

A few things in your note really struck me.

You wrote:

"I'm beginning to think now that all the stuff she wants to keep herself busy with, is more so she can't address her issue at home."

And you're probably right. But, again, this is her issue, her path. Not yours. Love her anyway.

You wrote:

"In my opinion, her charity should begin at home first."

My advice to a lot of people is to live your life and, as Wayne Dyer says, do so "Independent of the good opinion of others." We want this for ourselves; let's do it for others.

You wrote:

"So, that being said, how do I help her, when she won't even acknowledge there is a problem?"

I think you know the answer. :)

You wrote:

"Both I and a good friend of hers have offered to help her have sales, put stuff on the net, etc., but she just changes the subject or never follows through with plans to do it. How do I help someone who won't help themselves?"

Your mother knows the offer stands. That's all you can do. Continue to love her.

* * *

The best thing I can suggest to you is to try to become detached from any outcome with your mother. Let her hoard, not hoard, freak out, fill rooms with stuff, but love her all the same. Do not expect anything from her or try to intervene in your parents' marriage. Observe, if you must. And understand. How does this affect you? How do you feel about your mother's hoarding? Does it make you angry? Scared? Disappointed?

You have such a wonderful gift for writing, Angel, that I highly encourage you to use this as a way to channel some of your unresolved feelings around the situation with your mother.

As I said when I began this note, I write . . . and I wrote a story about my father's hoarding. I really love that story. It's a place for me to express my feelings about it. Sadly, I can't do much for my father. He will have to figure out when he's ready, and if he wants to let go of his illusions of control. But what I can do, is take good care of myself, and show my father (someone who lives with a great degree of fear) as much love as I can.

I wish you all the best. Post your thoughts here any time.

Warmly,
Bella.
 

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