Date:   10/8/2008 5:19:09 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   7,018
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1273162

Thank god we are making the connections that some of your wifes issues can be physiological!!! Yeah!

However what abuse comes down on the broadest scale is that these people are missing a set of coping tools. More importantly they never learned how to CO-OPERATE for the wellfare of the group (family) - it's all about her and she is demanding that you and your kids comfort her (even if it's indirectly). But she does not really "see" you guy's (yes, the kids as well). it's not registering in her mind that she has any duty to you and the kids in regards to what is emotionally comfortable or not to you all.

Did her parent's ever teach her how to co-operate? This goes beyond the basic "share your toy's" stuff! Did she ever really learn to see others as her equal? You see this in society all the time ---me, me, me, our country, our country, etc...

The core principle being violated is that of "democracy" ---the value that you all are equals on a team and must co-operate. No ones person's comfort is more important than another. No empires, no mini dictatorships, no ruling the roost, and so on, but rather co-operation and assisting others. Your wife needs to learn what democracy looks like so she can know when she is over stepping boundries, as well as learn what is expected of her. Chances are she does not want to be the tyrant she is, she just doesn't know how to do things any differently.

By the way please don't outright call her a tyrant in a moment of anger. But rather sit her down and have a talk and describe her actions out so that she can see what it defines. This helps you communicate without losing your own self respect and values.

Are the communication lines open in your home? You need to talk with her. She might not even be aware of her thinking patterns....

If you have gotten this out in the open, but she is having a hard time accepting that she has been violating her family, she might listen to someone else and then be able to take responsibility for her lack of respect. You would then need to find persons that she might respond to that already UNDERSTANDS the values of democracy. I mean if you go to a person that does not even see the core issue, they can not teach her anything and help your family. Unfortunately there are TONS of "counselors" out there that have little clue ---they have all this training in technics etc, yet they are really clueless about what causes violence in the first place. They can be just like doctors that have been so indoctrinated they can no longer see the forest through the trees. Don't let degrees be the measuring point of what works and what does not. But I digress. Know when to walk away from counselors that make matters worse. There are good ones though, and sometimes pivotal figures are not counselors at all. You're looking for anything or person that can help her learn a new concept. It can be a book, a blog, a community group and so on.

Other places you might check are the hospitals in the area's to see if they have have any class's for families (even the state has helpful class's that teach basic co-operation and democracy principles). Call the person that conducts the class and ask them what their guiding principle is. You will find that the different class teachers (or others in other places to) want conformity to one particular system or another. For example religious people will simply want your family to conform to doctrine whether this has anything to do with health or not. Anyway be careful of who you seek any help from. People talk big all the time, but when you strip away their b.s. and get down to what they believe and practice do they believe in democracy or are they basically pretty blind. I mean the ONLY way your wife will respond to you in kind is if she can learn that you and the kids also have a right to emotional comfort in the home(emotional support from her too).

But dude, if she can not respond and correct her problem you WILL be subjecting yourself and the kids to a great injustice. AND frankly she does not deserve "the right to be a tyrant". You have to stand up against what is wrong. And you have to know that your children will be suffering neglect. If your wife ends up impacting any one of these kids deeply, your child will hold YOU to blame as well. Do you want to risk loosing a relationship with a child later on down the road because you did not stand up for them? You can't just think of fleeting emotions here (not to understate anything). You have to take a stand and get your wife to understand within a quick period of time, that she is violating you and your children's rights to decency. Believe it or not, this is a human rights issue. Take it seriously and don't get side tracked by rough emotions.

If she does not learn right quick - LEAVE HER. Yes that would mean you would see your kids less, but you CAN adjust. You can and must move on to a more productive life. Your kids will also eventually understand, all you have to do is make sure that you listen to and love your children. Take care of yourself and your kids!

I don't mean to assume you don't realize any of this, if I have assumed anything wrongly, my deepest apologies.

Hope your day is a good one.


 

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