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Re: was it rape or submission? TRIGGERING INFO by John2008 ..... Rape Survivors Support Forum

Date:   10/5/2008 3:12:23 AM ( 13 years ago ago)
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Each scenario seems to have different mechanics and elements involved. I'd say the "the friend" that tied you up against your will and sexually abused you could be classified as a rapist, and said event could indeed be classified as rape. You mentioned that you "quit fighting fairly quickly", this indicates to me that you did indeed attempt to express your opposition to what he was attempting to do. His refusal to acknowledge your expression of non-consent is what would make this situation a rape case.

The other situations you mention seem to involve a lack of communication more than rape. The two anal sex experiences that were misunderstood by your partner as consent were the results of lack of communication. Instead of screaming for hours you could have told him to stop. If you were in shock or felt threatened by either your bf or husband, then this may have fell under a form of coercion and a different classification of rape.

The last case where you describe a sort of "BDSM relationship" (sub & dom lifestyle) looks like you did consent to the treatment. While your husband may have used religion to convince you to give your consent, you did indeed consent to this type of treatment and even acknowledged certain "good qualities" about it.

I would say that you need to be more assertive. Don't be afraid to tell the person you are with what hurts and what feels good. Sex is very much about communication. If the anal sex hurts, tell him to stop. If a man ties you up and rapes you against your will, it is your responsibility to report this to the police as "friends" don't rape each other.

If the relationship with the "dominant husband" made you feel uncomfortable, it would be your responsibility to either express this to him and go to marriage counseling, or end the relationship and move on. Of course you could also do nothing and remain submissive, which seems to be what you have chosen. By no means am I saying that all of these scenarios were squarely your fault. You've described numerous men here that appear to have misconceptions and false pre-conceived notions as to what women want and how to behave around them.

I would suggest that you seek counseling and find someone in real life to talk to about this such as a friend or family member. There are many support sites such as this one that can offer you help and encouragement in dealing with these terrible memories.

Take care

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