Date:   8/2/2008 9:12:13 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   3,415
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1229603

Suzette Elgin has written a number of books on Verbal Abuse.

One strategy to break a Spouse's habit of being verbally abusive is to use the Boring Barouque Response. 

 I have developed a style of Positive Gibberish.

 The habit of abuse is fed largely by an unconscious drive for attention. 

Attention can be received in silence, arguing or debating.  Silence is attention because your partner knows she has struck your sensitivities, and you are fuming, not real silence.

Suzette Elgin has the premise that we all know our language, and we can say logical boring things, as a resonse to the abusers.

My application of Elgin's idea is that Values can be discusse, Ethics and choices, in a positive framework.

"Certainly I try to be considerate of you and your feelings.  Certainly I wish hter would have been a better result.  Sometimes we experience bad luck.  If I am not trying to take an unehtical shortcut, then I don't really feel that I deseve blame.  Rether i should receive the same reward as if Good Luck had come, or at least bad luck did not appear."

 The key is to keep talking, but not in a retaliatory, argumentative, or TEACHING format.  Just respond in a Loving way, defending yourself, acxknowledging your joint ideals, and recognizing missteps or bac luck.  Redouble effort for non-optimal outcomes.

I have read Elgin's YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME, 7 STEPS TO CHANING VERBAL ABUSE.   I Recently purxchased Elgin's 1995 book on Work Abuse.      

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