Date:   7/1/2008 3:22:23 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   2,665
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1206030

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Wow, you are dealing with A LOT and have been for a long time.

I apologize in advance for my response, as I'm going to say things which may cause you deep concern. First, I hear your words that you love your husband many times in your message. But I'm wondering just what it is that you love about him in your present married life? There's very little lovable behavior on his part described in your message. If he does have good qualities you haven't mentioned, are those enough to "counteract" and overcome all that is concerning you? Or is it possible you're clinging to him out of "habit", remembering the past, and hoping for change in the future (that may never come)?

I also read your husband says he loves you, but is not able/willing to provide the relationship/family life you want. Part of love involves selflessness, and he does not seem to be exhibiting those qualities. He seems extremely introverted and does not show you much respect, communication, or emotional intimacy. In other words, he's basically only concerned with meeting his needs.

Add to that the p 0 r n, the advance he made on your sister.... these are huge concerns and have justifiably affected your trust.

The clincher here though as I see it is for your children's welfare and their future development. Besides the unhappiness and emptyness you're dealing with, your kids are an extremely important part of the equation. All that they're observing about your relationship will affect their future relationships. Not to mention, if your husband "hit" on your sister, I hope he never makes that mistake with your daughter.

I get the impression your husband doesn't know how to emotionally relate to women, but instead sees them as objects. This is displayed in the p 0 r n, his manuever on your sister, and his detached behavior in the bedroom with you. He does not want to be a part of family life and prefers to be farming since it's his way of withdrawing from you and his family.

At one point you mention things changed with him, like a flip of a switch. Have you pressed him on this thought? Maybe there's something deep-seated that happened to him which is causing all this behavior.

I'm not in favor of divorce in most instances, but I will say that I suggest you two calmly arrange a time to sit down and discuss your issues. If he says he loves you and does not want to lose you, and he wants to keep the family together, he must agree. Then discuss what concerns each of you have and how to best address them, taking things one step at a time. Maybe not lay out all the concerns at once, but just mention the most important ones and work your way forward. You could try making goals together and providing examples for some of the changes. Then have another similar talk maybe a month later to see where things are. You could try to keep this up on a monthly basis as needed.

Things need to move in another direction for you two, and this takes action and not just talk. Your relationship will not work out to be "perfect", but a life shared together should be mainly harmonious. If he's not willing to work on this, then you know where you stand. And where your children's lives stand.

Good luck to you and best wishes, Flower
 

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