Date:   3/13/2008 8:07:14 AM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   1,819
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1131615

Okay, I have a few (LOL) glitches.
When I was so depressed that I wanted to die, begged to die, prayed to die, I didn't.
Now I want to live, and thrive,
yet I have no home. The place I "intended" "envisioned" came, and didn't work out.
I intended my vision to clear, for this part of the "journey" to end.
So driving is out, but I refuse to go "home" to a toxic relationship,  I am loving myself better, I desire to heal, but 50 years of not honoring myself and my needs are hard habits to break, and I am physically tired AGAIN.
I need shelter and I need friends and I need my eyesight, damn it.  I'm want to be independant. I want to drive SAFELY. I want all the good things I have given so freely to others over the years. I w ant to learn the damn lesson and move on to be who I am supposed to be.
WHY isn't is working? Now I want my freedom, my goodness, my voice, my song, my dance, and yet itit seems there are walls and reality and real pain.
I pulled a muscle, or messed up a rib, and it hurts whether I ignore it or not. I cried so much last night, I was torn between letting it and stopping it, but I'm staying on someones couch, I don't have my son physically,
so what's the question
If my life "appears" to be a mess, and if "messiness is next to goddessness" and I am a godess, WHY aren't the good things happening faster?easier? Am I not asking for enough? Too much?
I am a good, kind, loving, person who is HURTING, I don't want to anymore, but I can't see damn it, and I need to. So do I just go "do the normal thing" get my eyes cut (cataracts at 51) damn the money, damn my gut instincts that something else is wrong in my head....
I have an amazing body that has survived amazing abuse; I don't want to give up, but it just seems like this is too much. No matter how much I say "I CAN do this" I will do this. This is easy. I am amazing. I deserve the best: I will find a home/shelter/safety by the weekend....
guess what, I was SURE of all that MOnday, and now it is Thursday, and it doesn't apprear to be happpening.
okay, write large if you can so I can read it. Perhaps I have cried enough tears to wash my cataracts away, open my too contricted muscles that won't let my eyes dialate. Maybe someone will have answers, or the lawyer WILL call, or my soon to be ex-husband will decide to be resonable....but I can't control any of them. I choose to stay in this earth plane, I came close to leaving, and perhaps it is my abivilance that is the problem.  Because I am creative, loving, and sensitive, yet exhausted by what friends tell me--"you created all this. Deal with it". And I think, "thanks. that's helpful" and worse.
this is too long, I don't even know exactly why I got to this site, why I am posting. If anyone can give me real, 3-d life help, great. Advice great. Whatever.
I am in Louisville ky, don't know yet how to take the bus, yet am blessed constantly by the kindness of strangers, and friends. It isn't jelling, happening; I don't want to be patient anymore.  I need it and want it now.
thanks for letting me vent or do whatever I just did.
I am the book,the song, the story.
can I, may I, have a happy ending? Actually, a happy NOW.
pjangel

 

<< Return to the standard message view

fetched in 0.00 sec, referred by http://www.curezone.org/forums/fmp.asp?i=1131615