Date:   3/4/2008 2:23:00 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   2,350
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1125736

I have ached to write to him again, and sometimes when I see something about SSRIs, I think of just sending it to him...but he broke if off and so I respect his wishes, and don't. I still go through changes tho, every single time I go to the mailbox, and of course there is nothing there.

Dang it all anyway, when I dowse with my crystal she keeps telling me I will hear from him again, as if it's a sure thing.....Sometimes, she even bangs me on the arm a little when I doubt her. But I dare not believe it other then a tiny little bit somewhere in the deepest region of my soul, as not only are all of my rather hefty abandonment issues tied to this relationship, but it is the only one in my entire life that scans all the way back to my youth, as my life has been a study in being alone.

Good grief, I have no idea how I would respond if I did hear from him again, as after having such a terrible breakdown over this last episode, I feel some anger towards him.

What to hear somethng really crazy? Ever since he left me (now nearly 43 years ago), whenever I see Olympic skating, or a brilliant performance by a gymnist or some ballerina, I always imagine that she is me...and he is out there somewhere watching and admiring me. I crave his approval just as some women crave the approval of their fathers....

Angry or not, not hearing from him hurts all the time. How does one work with an issue like this? I have actually thought of having that new fangled procedure they have come up with where painfull memories are literally erased from your mind....so it would be like I never met him. What a relief that would be. I have suffered enough over him.

You know that old cliche about how it is better to have loved and lost...then to never have loved at all? Don't believe it.
 

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