Date:   2/21/2008 4:58:02 PM ( 16 y ago)
Hits:   2,933
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1116811

hello, I spent the whole week trying to find the time to answer to your post and share some thoughts that have been precious for me during my 5 years of marriage.

Me too, I have an husband that is not very talkative, esp. when it comes to feelings. He also dislikes when I express my feelings in a way that is either too direct or very emotional (i.e. crying etc). He actually feels threatened by this.
This " emotional deafness" can be hurtful, especially when you are depressed, or you just need someone to pat your back and reassure you about your place in the world. We all need reassurance.
During these 5 years I have managed to 1) give myself most of the reassurance I need, and 2) teach him some politeness and gentleness when it comes to handling my emotional needs.
After all he has a lot of good sides and he probably has some unresolved issue there which I do not want to point at as a "flaw". He is on his path and I am on my path.

I think you need to set some limits to your ego and understand the difference and distance between yourself and other people. There is a book that I strongly recommend to you, it is called " A conscious life- the principles of authentic adulthood". you can get it at amazon for a dollar or less.

About the computer/cars and guns issue. Yes, my husband too gets on the PC as soon as gets home. He also does not give an helping hand in any chore and he has changed maybe 10 diapers from our daughter's birth until she was potty-trained. He does not play with her. Some will label him as a slob, I don't mind. I accept him the way he is. If I had a magic wand, I'd sure change a few things of him, but sure he'd do the same, cause I'm not perfect either.
He loves us and does his best. I encourage him to do more to help but believe me, every time I see a fault in him and feel the urge to tell him about it, deep inside I know there is a hidden message for me too! What we want to change in others is what we need to change inside ourselves. When you start to change you attitude , things start to fall into place.
I have already suggested to you Flylady and her daily emails here. They will turn your bitterness inside out and upside down, teaching you how to focus on gratitude, how to do things with love and no expectations, how to use chores to help you stay on track instead of letting them pile up and oppress you. It has worked for me to some extent... both on the emotional side ( fostering love for my family) and on the practical side (decent housekeeping).

The major problem here lies in your depression. Depression stems out of being so much absorbed by our own inner experience that we are not able to see or feel other people's realities out there. When you focus too much on yourself you also lose track of most of your daily tasks . Parenting is especially hard when depressed, because the kids' urgent needs will threaten your integrity and well being.

I think I can understand the spanking issue, because I have had the same problem with my hsb ( we have a 3 years old).
You do not believe in spanking and this is really good, but discipline is necessary.
If your parenting was effective, your fiancé would not resort to spanking. By showing him effective parenting skills at work, you can silently teach him ( without saying a word) to change the way he relates to the kids. He'll see there is a simple and guilt-free way to get the same results.
I like parenting books from Elizabeth Pantley. A book can actually help you there.

There is a quote I find very inspiring, "Love like there is no tomorrow" . Actually this is what we are meant to do, because nothing must be taken for granted. Your husband loves you and I think he does his best. Acknowledge this. You are not living the life of your dreams because these dreams are in the way....your expectations from yourself and others are not realistic! There is no such thing as a "perfect fiancé".

Stop asking yourself and others to be perfect and your Depression will be gone!

I wish you lots of success learning to appreciate yourself and your family as a beautiful gift.
 

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