Date:   1/7/2008 10:08:32 AM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   1,860
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1079535

Hi,

My thoughts. You sound like you are similar to me; in particular not good at initiating communications. I've done many of the things mentioned here, and they are good at meeting people. However the root problem remained, initiating communications. This has had an affect in many areas including relationships, job, family, etc.

It is not easy. A few years ago, I went into sales primarily for family reasons. Someone I knew looked at me and said "are you crazy, you never initiated communications". That job was an absolute disaster. I had never thought about it until then. About four years ago I came up with some exercises. They were not easy, and I felt like I wanted to throw up when I started doing them.

1. I walked through the mall making eye contact with everyone I met.
It’s actually easy. You might be surprised how many people who are
not looking at you. As a side note. There was one young woman who
had been observing me. She stopped me to ask about my opinion on
Cell Phone cases. Turns out she was trying to figure out who I was.
She was from Italy. We had a long conversation in the mall about the
cultural differences of men and women in the US, Italy, France, and
Spain. When I told her what I was doing she was the one that suggested
#5 below. I got the impression she thought what I was doing was as
natural as night and day. I can just imagine what she told her friends
when she got back home.
(Warning: do not make eye contact with sales people).
2. If you see something you like, and it's obvious that person has
put a lot of time into it, compliment them on it. For me it might
be a woman’s hair, an antique broach, etc. At work it might be photos
of a spouse or children. Initially, I felt like the stupidest person on
the face of the earth. Most women found it humorous, but seemed
to know I was sincere. Made it easier to follow-up on "that is a
nice …..”. Actually seems to have been some confusion on their part.
3. Go into a bar by yourself, take a seat between two people (doesn’t
matter male or female), and order a Shirley Temple or something.
Before one of them says something to you, you say something. You
don't have to worry, people in bars do not have the most intellectual
nor in-depth thought processes. I'm talking about local bars. Not
night clubs, meat houses, do drop inns, etc. Generally a family
restaurant that has a bar area that is well lighted. If someone starts
hitting on you, just say you need to talk to someone over there and move.
The exercise is to initiate communications. Tactfully telling someone
to go f*ckoff is another exercise for another night if you need to
work on that. Generally in family type bars you don’t get a lot of that.
4. At work, if you have the opportunity, conduct a meeting/give a
presentation. This is not always feasible. I’ve also taken
communications/speech classes at a the local university/community
college. It gets you in front of people.
5. When I go shopping, I now ask a female’s advice on clothes. Real easy
to initiate communications, difficult to extract yourself. I have to admit
I get a lot of compliments now on the way I dress. Just be prepared
to spend hours finding the suite, and then the shirts and ties.

None of these things are easy, and you don’t want to do them all at once.
I started with the mall.

I will never be one of those people that get “energized” being around people.
It’s still very awkward, but I guess I’m comfortable with the awkwardness.

Relationships. I’ve always gravitated towards Type A personalities. Male or
female. What I look for now is the out going personality. I also try to let my
partner know about my inter-personal communications. Most of the time they
just think it’s shyness, but over time they start thinking I’m not interested. Early in a relationship an extravert has all kinds of things to talk about. However, they have their down times also. You have to be sensitive to those times. When they get through them, which are usually very quickly, there is an increased sense of trust. It’s not easy even for the most extreme extrovert to deal with the most extreme introvert. It’s a blending of strengths and weaknesses. For me, I find it’s also one of the most important. You have to be prepared to carry the ball yourself when needed. When you’re in the relationship you are not going to have the
opportunity to initiate communications. More than likely, your communications styles
are a part of what makes you both feel comfortable with one another, and will probably form a basis for the relationship. If your partner has a down time, it’s going to be important you be able to initiate for a short time. Maybe I over analyze this area, but it is an area that I have the greatest problems with.

Boundaries. I don’t know where you are on those. Most people consider it an
opportunity to take advantage if someone if they will let them. Boundaries are hard
also. Set them too high and you miss out on possible opportunities. Set them
too low and it’s difficult to extract one’s self. I look for character and ethical
standards. People say a lot of things. I look at where they have come from, and
their actions. Why, because my boundaries are ill defined. It is not easy defining
boundaries, so I need to trust people. This whole thing is a Catch 22, and may or
may not be relevant.

I don’t know if some of these things are related, or are just other things in my
personality. However, after thinking over my past life, not being able to initiate communications has had an impact. You can put yourself in situations to meet people, but you are still relying on them to initiate communications. It’s going to be easy to meet someone, but when they are no longer there you will still have the same basic issue.

I hope some of these things will be helpful.

Good luck,

Arnold

 

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