Date:   12/27/2007 12:00:08 PM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   4,651
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1071140

BlueRose,

Your post really struck a cord with me. Especially the part about being envious of healthy mother/daughter relationships. I'm not sure what my mother is or if she even has any type of personality disorder because she has changed so much as she has grew older. She was very verbally and physically abusive to me when I was becoming a young woman. I developed an eating disorder in my teenage years due to her telling me I was fat. I weighed 100 pounds at 5'2" at the time, yet I was "fat". This was before the disorder. I was very athletic and had a nice figure. My father did the same thing, stayed away, distanced himself from the situation. He tried one time that I can remember, to stand up to her for me, and she moved into my younger brothers room for a week. She threatened to divorce him!! She told me awful things like I would never find anyone to love me, how fat I was, yada, yada. If I took up for myself, she would hit me where ever she could at the time. Face, back, legs. This went on for three years, maybe more. Eventually, I ran away when I was 17 to a friends house, of course I had to go back, but as soon as I turned 18, I was outta there!!

Now my mother is very apologetic, says she is sorry with tears, but I am still dealing with low self esteem issues from this past abuse. Sometimes when I am around her I feel loathing. I have forgiven her but I still resent her sometimes. I so badly want to reach out to her, but all I can think about is how judgemental she was to me. She is also very religious and stubborn!! I am also a sinner by the way, because I don't go to church! Haha! Right now she pretty much stays out of my business. I would like to think we could have that close mother-daughter relationship, but I'm not sure it will ever happen.

As of now, I am 38, can't seem to keep a stable relationship going with a man. I have been married twice, both men were verbally abusive. Hello?! Am trying to replace my mother? LOL! I tend to fall into a relationship very quickly, but then with in a month or three the man always tends to pull away by telling me that I am "too nice" and "too good to be true" like it's some sort of bad thing. It's funny because they always come back a few weeks later wanting me back but I am "over it" by then because I tend to shut down when I see any type of indifference in someone. I am an attractive woman and have no problems attracting men, but once I get into a relationship, I can't seem to handle it with my self esteem issues. I always wonder, am I good enough, am I pretty enough, am I fun enough, am I tall enough, the list goes on. I end up worrying so much and trying so hard to please instead of enjoying the relationship. I always have dated strong, dominant males that are successful in some way, so there is always plenty of competition to worry about. As of now, I am dating a man who is very successful and 15 years older than I for four months now. I am terrified I am going to loose him as well due to self esteem. I thought I was ready for a relationship, but when I look at how I am in one, I'm not so sure! I tend to not stand up for my self like I should in certain situations. It's hard for me to communicate my feelings to a man with out making them think I am insecure, clingy or jealous. I am none of these, but I am always afraid to come off like this, so I keep my mouth shut when I should be taking up for my self. Example, my current bf went out of town, then went to another event with some female friends. I knew he was going out of town, but not the other event. I brought it up to him and he acted like I was in his business. He even brought up how he never asks me what I am doing 24/7. I told him I thought when two people were in a relationship, they knew what was going on in each others life. Anyway, I just kind of accepted it and just moved on. That was the end of that discussion.

I have been trying to learn how to love myself, but I have been so confused about how to do it! I really do like myself, I know I am attractive and I am a very good person and have a huge heart. I just don't know what to do with myself!!!

Hope everyone is having lots of love and fun this Holiday season!!

:))))
 

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