Date:   12/26/2007 11:06:32 PM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   4,763
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1070922

thanks for the words of wisdom..
though I believe that everyone creates their own persona in a way,some more consciously and some unconsciously.I know and am aware of what feeds my ego and what feeds my heart,right now it's a hard time for me just to let go and just feel whatever I am feeling..not sure what exactly is stopping me,alot of it has to do with rejection,pain,shame,guilt and an inability to cope and deal with such feelings.I am very well aware of my inflated ego at times and times of me shutting out genuine emotions and placing contrived ones or walls in place to deal with them.

The strange thing is,with other aspects of my life..like excersize,nutrition,work or school,hobbies..everything fits soo nicely together and there seems to be any real issues or turmoil that bother me that I can't handle..I have been knee deep in dept over a $25k sports car rebuild that costed me my college savings and nearly my relationship with my dad (told me NOT to pursue in the first place),I can deal with external stresses like that,it's a cake walk.But when it comes to allowing myself to feel..just 'feel',I clam up,become angry and defensive or I'll just shut it out.

The only time I have felt intimacy is watching it and empathizing in movies or thinking of my past loves,reliving the moments in my head.In another time and place,I would have done anything to have those feelings again..though nowadays,all I do is run from them..cowardice,I know. I am sure things will work themselves out..
I know that with enough positive actions and the right enviroment,it will smooth out alot of the rough edges in my personality..I just don't think I have lived enough to be that hard egded,I am merely a snotted arrogant brat with a crooked smile and big head..someone or someday,I will be knocked off my high horse and I will see the fool that I was,til then I will have to suffer in my own haze of confusion and %¤#&!§-.

I don't think that anyone would really even want to know me in my present state anyways,genuinally anyways.I will drink with you til the cows come home,paint the town red,tell you amazing stories of a checkered childhood,fight with you back to back,laugh and cry with you through your pain..though ask me what's 'really' going on or what's bothering me and going on in my head..and it's like *sssshhhhhhppppp*
lips are sealed,keys gone..disappeared and I am shut up and out.

sad I know.

thanks for reading my posts,makes me feel less...lonely (??)
lol

(:
 

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