Date:   12/26/2007 6:13:31 PM ( 17 y ago)
Hits:   4,912
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1070776

I have conflicted feelings about my parents. I believe that most people do. They are completely different from me on most all levels. I used to think it was because I was adopted, and sometimes I still do believe that.

We had a terrible Thanksgiving together. Christmas yesterday was fine. But they make me nervous, and I don't know why. I do love them, and I know they love me. They are in their 80's now, and I know I won't have them much longer. I try to remember that.

They are not warm and affectionate people. I am the opposite.

What I worry about most now is being a Mom. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I wonder whether I'm doing a good job. I worry about that a lot. My son has Aspergers, so it's a bit different. He is not warm and loving, similar to my parents. He has some issues.

I spanked him as a young child, and then one day after walloping him in a park (he was 4 and ran away down the street from me in a busy city), I decided never to strike him again. It was never what you call beating him, he would get a swift hit on the butt, or I would grab him roughly when he wasn't behaving. Mostly I was a yeller.

After living through an abusive marriage, I decided one day never, ever to strike him. Not in anger, or fear or anything. And when he asked me at 8 why I never spanked him, I told him that I had made that decision. I am bigger than he, and I remember what it was like to be physically hurt by someone bigger also.

When he was 11 we were in a local cafe. My son was being very rude and condescending to me. I had enough. So I told him that I wanted to slap him. He told me that if I did that around all those people, they would call the police. I then told him I'd take him out to the car where no one would see us. It was then he reminded me of my promise. I was furious with him.

So after we left, we were sitting in the car and he was still making me mad. So I reminded him that it was I that made that pledge...his father had never said that......And Dad was due to be home within a couple of hours... That certainly gave him pause for thought.

I have dealt with his Aspergers, and his fathers clinical Depression for a long time. The one thing we are missing in this house is friends. We just don't have a big social life. And even though we have gone places, we are mostly homebodies. This house has real love, but I feel like there is something missing here for my son. I get lonely. Even though he has friends, I wonder if he is lonely too. His Dad could spend the rest of his life never meeting another person, and going to work and then coming home.

It's what I worry about the most. Being a parent is very difficult. You wonder.

Molly
 

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