Can you say THOROUGH?!?!?

OK here goes: 3 years ago I had a very very serious surgery where an artery was punctured. My doc suspects possible damage to my stomach/digestion etc. I was on Antibiotics and painkillers for awhile. And anesthetic plus an epidural for the surgery. That was my only surgery but it was really horrendous. I had a bleed out from the puncture and ended up needing a transfusion. After that, food upset my stomach alot and I became "bulimic" (I CAN NOT BELIEVE I AM POSTING THE TRUTH ON A PUBLIC WEBSITE - I MUST REALLY BE AT THE END) not because I have an "eating disorder" but because I just hated the feeling of food in me. For 6 solid months I kept NO FOOD INSIDE ME. I mustve vomited 10,000 times, no joke. Kidney damage? Pancreas damage? Who knows? I have talked to docs but they really dont know anything about damage from vomiting other than bad teeth and heart probs. My teeth are sparkling white, by the way. :-) What is weird is that puking time was the happiest time in my life... I felt so free to not have to digest food. I also felt God was telling me that I needed to reach a state of non-eating - breatharian, etc. But who do I talk to about that??? No one can relate. Since then, I get weird blood Sugar swings and hypoglycemia if I try to eat meat protein. Before all this, I was a strict low-carb eater who cured her own diabetes, gallbladder attacks, weight issues and more....

I became fruitarian and juice fasted, colon cleansed, parasite cleansed, liver cleansed, etc. I felt great. But one night 6 months ago, everything changed. I had started puking again (I dont know why). A week later, I got in a huge terrible screaming fight with my man and my now ex-best friend. Something in me went snap crackle pop. I lost all my spirituality and became a jittery wreck. I would cry at the drop of a hat, couldnt control my emotions, food made me sick with a condition called gastro-parasis where food just sits in my esophogus and does not reach my stomach. I had no energy, my bones ached, the only thing I could figure was adrenal fatigue.

The truth is, I dont know if my health problems are physical or SPIRITUAL. Even my naturopath doc thinks I am in spiritual crisis. I am one of those wackjobs who sees spirits and ghosts, and can talk to "beyond" (yes, the plot thickens). For years, I have denied it, lied about it and hid it because everyone just thought I was bonkers (which, unfortunately, I am not - life would be easier if I was nuts). I get "messages" which give me answers to the meaning of life and my ultimate destiny and I just cracked under the pressure. There is something called "ascension" which my doc swears I am going through ... when you lift to a higher spiritual level, you feel intense illness and pain. But I have been evil in this past 6 months - angry, jealous, greedy .. all those human emotions I thought I had already left behind. I am a walking embodiment of Satan. What happened to me? I used to talk to people and they would cry and tell me I sounded like Jesus... who am I now? I am LOST.

What is really sad is that I was about to make a huge breakthrough in the world. I am sitting on something that will change alot of things, cause a stir and make people THINK. I am about to make millions on it. (seriously, no joking). I don't give a damn about money, havent for a long time. I know people just use it to try to fill up the gaping hole inside. A hole that cannot be filled with human things be it material posessions, sex, drugs or food... but I can use that money for good, for change, to try to cause something to change in this downhill spiriling world... but I just couldnt take the pressure and I ran. I was given this project as a gift in order to have power and influence in this world and I am spitting on it. I am spitting on myself and I am spitting on God. That is how strong evil is and that is how strong FEAR is. I am so ashamed.

I feel like I have no hope and nowhere to turn. No one ever seems to want to talk to me after I tell them the whole truth. Even my own mother forsaked me when I tried to tell her about my "gifts/curse". I was given a path to walk and I am too scared to walk it ... now I am all alone. Before I knew the truth, I used to want to live out of the sheer joy of eating, shopping, someday buying a big home and decorating it. But those things hold no meaning for me now, I dont know how to comfort myself the human normal way anymore. And you are right, no shrink can help me with this ... because no one can really relate to what I am. Where does that leave me?
C.D. Tweet