that sorta sounds like some scientology mumbo jumbo. i don't feel like a victim. in fact, i am very fortunate to have a roof over my head, parents, a lot of good times in my life despite 33 yrs of mercury poisoning. i don't feel like a victim, but i have always been a martyr, meaning i sacrifice my own happiness and well-being for others or for a cause. it can take a toll on one mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. i just sorta grew up that way. i was an only child. my parents raised me to help everyone and give and that is where it comes from. the only thing is, they are so much better at it. they balance is so well and i am mesmorized at how they do it. because of my illness, i was never in a position financially to really help people while maintaining myself, but i gave to people anyway. i kid you not, i would have people calling me at 2 am to buy them a car or come pick them up in california (i lived in oregon), buy them a new wardrobe, etc.... i lived that way so many yrs and one day, i stopped doing so much and people were not too pleased. but i was told by many that i was being walked on, used, etc... and i finally had a boyfriend who was so abusive and spent all my money, that i put my foot down.
but when i got down here, i sorta went back into that mode. so, i did for others and sacrificed my own health and well-being. and now i am at the point where i am lonely and withdrawn and have lost interest in not only myself, but others, too. i think the problem is being separated from my family, my friends, my life...everything i ever knew. i want my life back. and my life is in oregon. yes, i am a victim of what was done to me since i got here by someone i trusted, but he has many victims and anyone in my situation would have felt that way. my problem is that i tolerated it too long because i was nice and had hope. i got caught up in the abuse syndrome. you are treated nice, then treated bad, but you make excuses for them, always wanting them to treat you good again. i wrote about it here, actually:
i think a good overall diagnosis for me would be clinical depression, because i bet if i filled out a questionnaire about it, i would fail, or pass, however it is looked at. i was very lucky growing up, because i never had depression. i had it one time when my cat died and it didn't last too long, a month or two, don't know. but, when i was at the height of my mercury poisoning, i suddenly got depression after being in an abusive relationship. when i got the mercury out and chelating, i was ok again, a month after. in fact, i was on top of the world. but, the person i believed in was just like that abusive boyfriend i had prior and i ended getting sucked in again. i was very vunerable, wanting to trust someone again. at this point, i am simply tired of living a lie. i cannot get better ever as long as i live that lie. while i am not well at all right now, at least i am smart enough to know that much.