Re: Maybe if I explain it one more time

I cracked up at the thought of swearing out a restraining order on that old, gimp-legged man, but then I had to sit still and think. It IS stalking behavior to call and come by and all. I think the reasons he does this are power and control, as well as the fact that at 73, and in questionable health, he has discovered that he has lost everyone - I was the last hold out, and now I have bailed, too. In the past, he would "simply" explain the "frustrations of being a father"-this after being violent with me. I recall seeing the tremendous release and relief that he got from beating me, whereas I was left with no relief. At 44, I am seeking that relief now!!

I guess I neglected to state that the threats on my life were made as a teen, and the threats re: my kids were made when I was a young adult in my 20's. The kids are grown. The threat he made recently was to go to Cal. and beat up a family member on moms' side of the family because of something that member did years ago regarding me, and he wants some stupid kind of venegance. The truth is that dad was very jealous and upset because I had gone to see mom and had a great time. When I was kidnapped he managed to get mom's parental rights terminated, and he had hopes that I would never see her again (how DARE she divorce HIM). Kidnapping us was the punishment, she was a great mom, with a great family, and we have a great relationship today, but I was an adult before I could see her again. ANYWAY - the threat today is the explaining, the cajoling, the guilt trips he'll use, just the whole stupid interaction - the inner hurt teen does NOT want to deal with him, and I am just sick that he still wants to "force" me into a relationship this way. I never fail to get amazed, and then I wonder why I am amazed.

In Texas, restraining orders are not being granted unless there is evidence of physical abuse, and even then it is getting more difficult to obtain one. When my now-ex was obsessively calling me, I asked about one, and was told that was not enough to warrant one. I would have to be in fear for my life, and I am not in fear of that, just in fear of my internal life - I will just have to be tall when he finally catches me in the shop.

I am in business for myself, so no one answers the phone but me, and I am trying to not have to go through the number change, notifying 150 clients, changing business cards, etc. Meanwhile, caller id is my best friend. And dammit, I just shouldn't have to, but I know how it is....

Dad is too narcissitic to ever hit me now, especially in public - he is very educated upper middle-class, classy, and as an adult, he can't do anything to me now, because I have a voice. As a child depending on him (and he made certain he was ALL there was), I could have no voice - I was too afraid of "breaking apart the three musketeers" (dad, sis and I - he would call us that as we were driving all over the place hiding from mom and the law - his sick way of binding us to him - create a false sense of commeradery). We were loyal to him , and scared to death of him. I am no longer loyal, but he still scares me with an ancient, archaic, lifelong fear - even worse, love and fear have held hands with me all my life, that is what I am trying to overcome. I know today that what we as a family experienced at his hands was not love, but I still carry the fear - it is there and springs out AGAINST THE REALITY - I KNOW he can't hurt me, I KNOW he can't take the kids, I KNOW he can't control or possess me, but I FEEL that he still could do all that. Make sense???

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