I've had 5 Abortions

Alot of the symptoms you've listed I suffer...I have never known these as effects, this is the 1st time reading about them, thank you for posting.

Yes, I have had 5 abortions. I was always pro-choice but always felt that the guilt of not having a baby would 4ever outweigh the burden of having it. I believed (and still do) that it was wrong, but still did it. Til this day I still am numb to the fact that it was so many, as many as the amount of fingers on one hand...my whole hand.

My first abortion was in 1997, 7 years ago, wow time has gone quickly. It was a horrible experience, this is my first time actually typing/talking about it to anyone, I have just began to tear up here.

I was 19 and in an interracial relationship. Noone knew, we lived together and overall he was an "okay" guy, very secretive/private, but treated me well. I remember the day we had intercourse and it was the 1st time he stayed inside, I felt a rush, I KNEW it would end up in pregnancy that instant and even said it would be a boy. I did get pregnant VERY early in the relationship and clearly remember going to work and taking a pregnancy test in a bathroom stall, followed by the 2nd free one taken once I got home...both were positive.

I told him and we both knew we were not ready. My parents were very strict, my father very racist. But overall I knew in my heart they would both eventually accept it. In fact, it was only 2 years ago that my mom had begged to speak with a co-worker of mine to convince her to not have an abortion (she ended up never having one afterall). In a way I had hoped that my mom would come to my rescue, but noone ever knew.

I later found out my older sister was pregnant with her 3rd baby, we were both craving the same food! I couldn't tell her I was pregnant, I just enjoyed her pregnancy and until this day amd reminded that her youngest girl would have been my oldest and 1st baby.

I ended up finding a clinic based on price (I was living alone and temping at jobs, very limited in $). I found this one place with an Asian couple (doctor & nurse) running the place. The lady said I would be asleep, I never was. I ended up being really drugged and delirious while they performed the procedure, it really f&%$ked me up, it was horrible. If I would have know how that would have made me feel I would have preferred being awake.

I felt so guilty about the 1st abortion I ended up telling my parents that I was in an interracial relationship, my parents flipped and said they were very diappointed in me, blah blah blah.

I ended up getting pregnant again, not caring whether I would be or not. It later dawned on me that I couldn't be. I even enjoyed the attention I got from my boyfriend when I was, only to be met later with diappointment for ending it again. This time I lied to him and said the baby was miscarried, I remember going to Chuck E Cheese and telling him what happened, as if I had nothing to do with losing it. The procedure was done awake, and I clearly remember the feeling of having that little life sucked out of me. YOu would think I would have learned my lesson...nope.

My 3rd abortion was clearly an accident, in fact, I was taking bc pills, but somewhere along the line something went wrong. I did go to see how far along I was and even kept the ultrasound picture (just threw it away 3 months ago). I later decided to abort and went to Planned Parenthood for this one, again, AWAKE during the procedure. My boyfriend even wanted to get married since he knew I came from a strict background, but I knew I couldn't do either. I was in love but couldn't deal with my father calling my children names, etc. I was a wimp, I admit it. Later that year, around x-mas time I saw that documentary on abortions and cried so much and was full of guilt. I PROMISED God I would never do it again...but I did, not even a year later.

My 4th pregnancy (following year) was during a trip with my bf. I was so tired while we drove all the way to our destination. I became ill when smelling bbq ribs (my fav food) and became suspicious, took a test and was confirmed that I was pregnant AGAIN. My bf asked what was I going to do, first instinct was ABORTION. That moment changed his feelings for me, I remember the look he gave me, our relationship was never the same. This time i went to a different clinic and asked to be awake as I had always been, they offered to put me to sleep at no extra cost, and that was so much easier.

I ended up leaving my bf because I knew I could never marry him let alone have his children. Later he got a new girlfriend and I was heartbroken, even though I left HIM. I tried to break up their relationship and it angered him so much he called my parents and told them he didn't want anything to do with me anymore because I had 4 abortions and never wanted anything to do with him, and now I was trying to ruin his life. My mother called me hysterically, and asked if it was true, I denied denied denied. I just laughed it off as to he was just mad that I never married him, etc. Til this day I think my parents still think/know that I did do it, they just don't want to believe it.

After that situation, I went back to school full force, got a good job and got my degrees. I ended up finding out that my bf was cheating on me with his new girlfriend throughout 80% of our relationship. I then realized that I didn't regret not having kids with him, but I DID regret having abortions, if that makes sense.

So what about the 5th you ask? Well, after I graduated I had just met another guy, we were only together 3 months before I was pregnant again. Again, my first instinct was IM NOT READY FOR KIDS, ABORTION, MY PARENTS WOULD HATE THE IDEA OF ME JUST MEETING A GUY AND GETTING PREGNANT UNMARRIED!!

Pretty much I think it's just me, trying to portray this "IM PERFECT" attitude. All while I am so jealous and judgemental of women who went ahead and had kids, I feel envious that they had the BALLS to stand up and have their babies and be accepted by their family (which I knew usually happen 99% of the time).

Well, the new guy was thrilled that I was pregnant, he told everyone right after my test. Only to be told BY ME that I miscarried. When I did "try" to tell him the truth he began to cry and asked me "You killed my baby?" I felt horrible and said I was just playing and was only angry and didn't mean it, I had miscarried. This situation even reminded me of when I was 12 and my brother's gf aborted twice, and how it hurt him, and sent that UGLY feeling through me and through the air while my parents and brother lit candles for their souls.

So, now I am still with the new guy, after 2 years. He such a great guy and I want to get married as soon as possible and make everything the way God obviously wanted it for me...I feel like I HAVE to have kids and feel more guilt.

I have pushed aside my feelings and always try to justify me having 5 abortions. I still am unsure if really feel guilty or have just brainwashed myself to not feel a thing, even KNOWING that what I did is beyond words.

I feel very ashamed, angry, and have all the symptoms I listed below (from the original post).


-Fear and avoidance of doctor & dentist's offices, any type of medical building or situation.
-Numbness or emotional constriction, a need to avoid feelings, thoughts and situations reminiscent of the trauma, a loss of normal emotional responses or both.
-Anger
-Guilt and Shame
-Isolation
-Sensitivity to pre-existing phobias
-Eating disorders
-Relationship problems
-Feelings of jealousy when seeing babies or children or pregnant women
-Replacement Baby' feelings: the strong urge to go out and get pregnant again
-Viewing miscarriage or infertility as 'punishment':
Feeling that future problems with infertility or miscarriages are 'punishment' for having had an abortion.
-Being distressed at having your period - it's a reminder of the abortion, lots of blood and cramps again, and no baby.
-Having problems with anxiety and depression, worry and nervousness, with no visible cause.
-Clinical Depression

I do feel I will pay for this and am terrified to think of what my punishment will be. I am TERRIFIED of what God has in store for me..whether a deformed child, no children at all...a sickness, disease, disability for me...I don't know but I fear it all.

I AM SORRY I did this, I WISH I knew better, I wish PRIDE and EGO did not exist, it has made me into a horrible person.

I do want to make it better, and I hope one day I find out how...and I will forever have the FEAR of what God has in store for me, and the SHAME of everyone knowing on Judgement Day...


Thank for reading this, if you've made it this far...I'm so sorry.
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