What is a Troll?

Between the time you first log on and the time when they carry you out of your house, your keyboard clenched firmly in your hands, you are bound to run into a curious internet creature known as a Troll. What is a Troll? And what motivates these demented denziens of the net? Well, we hope here to give you some idea.

A Troll is inflamed hormonal adolescence masquerading as authoritative middle age. While the behavior a Troll exhibits makes one think of an Acne scarred, drooling, candy eater, all too often the Troll is, in reality, an adult whose growth was somehow stunted at that really annoying phase of childhood when parents often feel compelled to seal the child up in a wine keg and feed him through the bung hole. Oh, that they only had.

Trolls suffer from vast inferiority complexes. They attempt to hide this by playing at being superior to all others on the board, but their innate stupidity gets in their way as they advance patently absurd arguments and devolve into petty insults when the flaws in their posts are exposed. You will hear such things as, "I'm only here for humor and entertainment from you clowns," and "poster X is a slob whose children hate him." These are often the hallmark of the twisted mind that is a Troll.

Trolls will try to push your buttons. They will compare you with Nazis or Klansmen, then staunchly deny they ever intended to do so, adopting a "see how nasty you are to me," attitude. They will attempt to play the martyr while slinging insults wildly left and right, all the while claiming they never attack anyone personally, despite the fact that they are all too often so attacked (sniff). Trolls live to fuel your anger, and they consider it a victory when they do so.

Nobody knows why Trolls are the way they are. Perhaps their parents had to tie pork chops around their neck to get the dog to play with them. Perhaps they were cursed by the Stupid Fairy as children. Or maybe they're just braindead and refuse to admit it. Whatever the case may be, the rest of us have to live with their insipid and purile mouthings, so ir behooves us to learn how to deal with them.

They can be ignored. This steals away their power and forces them into ever more escalating rants in a pathetic drive for attention. You can stay calm. Point out their idiocies in a polite way, and make them look to be the idiots they are. This generally causes them to ignore you, but you can be happy in knowing that it also drives them crazy.

Sometimes it's hard to spot a Troll straight off, but one sure sign is their use of capitals. If you run into someone posting TRUTH and FACTS, the chances are good he's a Troll, and not really worth your time. So enjoy your internet experience. Visit lots of message boards and have stimulating discussions. But when you run across someone who posts inane arguments and insists he's right, don't say you weren't warned.
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