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Dear Lapis,

Please excuse me for coming back.. I'm sorry to bother you, I know you have better things to do than to console a jittery 18 year old girl.

I've spent many hours reading and handwriting your journal posts - they are very helpful. I cannot thank you enough. It is rather relieving to hear that I can finally venture out of the paper-cut Science and begin to embrace different spiritual beliefs, such as telepathic intuity, the universal language of the mind, how everything has a Spirit and energy.

I especially enjoy the articles by Gary van Warmerdam.

I am eating grass now and juicing vegetables. I find the grass and carrot juice to be soothing to the stomach. I plan on doing many cleanses these upcoming months and adhering to human foods.

Would you mind, please, if I inquired about a few things?

I listened to some of the EFT audios. I am slightly lost.. I imagine I'd have to buy the book. How do I begin to get over the stress of debt, loss of family, and loss of Self? Are these feelings trivial, or do they mean something? In my age group, if you display any forlorn emotions or feelings of despair, you are labled as 'dramatic' and 'emo', providing you to be the perfect target for ridicule or isolation until you plaster on a fake smile. Thus, you learn to quickly push unpleasant thoughts into the back of the mind until you've truly lost yourself.
I was rather intrigued with the articles pertaining to withholding one's opinions in order to face the path of least resistance and instead experience more happiness, and that one has complete control over one's emotions, though we often put them in the hands of others and blindly grant permission to manipulate the feelings of both parties.

How does one go about changing the subconscious? It is frightening that an individual subconsciously experiences trauma, yet consciously they feel fine. Is this why I feel so depressed? I remind myself when I feel dismayed that hopeless feelings will not acheive anything, yet most of the time I'm not even sure as to why I feel so dismal.

What your thought processes are is what you create, correct? I've been 'sympathized' by many because they tell me, "You poor girl. You don't deserve all the turmoil you go through." What I mean is, I try to always remain positive. Right after I finished writing this letter to you at the beach, I was feeling quite content. When I traveled back to my car, I found a parking ticket. It just feels as if incidents such as this are always happening, no matter how much I smile. Losing my family, loss of homes, loss of money, and now of health. Though I assure those who offer kind words that it's all materialistic, the homes/money/clothes don't matter, it seems like the negative is happening consecutively. This has gone on for quite awhile, and after years, it gets tiring. Is this because of the verbal and physical abuse I've received since I was an infant? Is it ingrained in my mind to think negatively, even though I feel on top of the world? I think maybe I'm paying my karma, but for this long?

I thought the article about resistance is quite inspiring. I don't think people realize how unhappy they become because they build such large hurdles for themselves. I do enjoy a good challenge, but I see, thanks to what you posted, that in the end it causes more pain and stress.
I noticed in the article the man who was so determined to rid his body of cancer. When he shared this, he was informed that because of his competitive attitude, the cancer would only persist. He was instructed to keep his mind off of the matter. How does one forget about an illness? What if you're feeling the effects of it? Perhaps I understood this incorrectly.. or perhaps because I'm too fearful of leaving the house due to stomach distress that my illness continues, so that I cannot see my friends, cannot hold a job, cannot go to school..

Regarding the chemtrails - everytime I see them, I repeat to myself that they are merely an illusion. The disgusting San Diego haze is just bad energy. It feels so hard to accept! It's as if I'm attempting to convince myself of something that cannot be hidden. I start to calm down about the subject of the awful trails, but then I get caught up in everyone else's fear of impending doom due to this poisonous air and I grow so nervous that I end up giving myself panic attacks. No one can enter your personal bio-sphere without your consent, correct..? How can I feel my bio-sphere? How can I protect myself? Do we have one?

I've spent months studying, averaging about 5 or 6 hours a day. I actually consider myself to be blessed to have gotten ill so that I may be able to have learned so much ... the words are worth their weight in gold. I read and understand, I am just unsure as how to apply all of this information.

Lapis, please forgive me. I'm so sorry to request your attention, but when I try to talk to my peers about this knowledge, they grow uneasy. I've had people heavily suggest that I'll fail and continue to be ill for the rest of my life, they admit they don't agree with my medicinal choices, and they mock my use of herbs. The younger adults just want to party, date, drink, and smoke. Though I admit I find joy in many of the conversations I hold with those around my age, it took me growing ill to see just how shallow it really seems... or maybe I'm the superficial one.

To answer your question on what I'd want to bring to this earth, .. I know it's a cliché answer.. but even if it's only for a moment, I'd like to being Understanding to everyone. For everyone's eyes to open, and to know.

What would you like to bring?

Thank you dearly for listening.
With my love,
Desi
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