Edited

Dear Lapis,

Thank you so much for listening and for your willingness to help.
Honestly, I'm 18 years of age.

My father and mother are alcoholics. I haven't spoken to my father, brother, or stepmother since they asked that I return the key to the house. I used to lie and steal, I didn't know how else to deal with my life. Our house was very violent. I've had abusive boyfriends, been lied to, and accused of things I have not done.

For awhile, I lived by my car. I was too afraid to unpack my things because I had already moved 8 times within 3 months. I worked constantly.

My illness started nearly 8 months ago... when I was living on the back porch of a friend's house and when I worked the most. I always felt stress, but I could deal with it. I've had that awful shock feeling - dizziness, unable to stand, shortness of breath - more than I should have during the time due to conflict with family or boyfriends.

As the months progressed, the illness grew worse and worse until I had to quit my two jobs and go to numerous doctors. I just left another job because of stomach distress, and I am very worried because I am almost $1,000 in debt and I have no money. I'm going to sell my car.

I've changed my personality. I try to be patient and understanding. My mother says I've always been caring, and my friends tell me that I'm always willing to help. Since I've learned about chemtrails, I've become more and more reclusive. My spirit seems completely broken... nightmares on chemtrails, my constant thought is chemtrails. I've tried to console myself, and because I live by an airport, airplanes are always flying over my house. I panic everytime I hear one. I find myself always checking the sky... I'm too afraid to breathe. I used to want to travel, but because this thing is everywhere I am dearly frightened. When I talk to people about this, they laugh at me.

When I think about my family, I grow very sad. I was supposed to be the scholar, but now I am viewed as a failure. My father sexually abused my mother and her sister, and he has had many girlfriends. My father is hits people and says awful things. He's very intimidating. My mother is always worrying. She, too, had a stomach problem similiar to what I'm dealing with... for 10 years! I cannot stand to hear people fight. I begin to shake and find myself trying to escape. Regardless, I miss my family.

I feel most comfortable when I'm sitting quietly in a corner in the same room as my friends. Hearing their voices and feeling their presence is soothing. I usually don't like a lot of attention. I feel most safe when I'm curled up in someone's lap and I don't have to say a word. Night is my favorite time.. stargazing at the beach. I'm nearly always by myself. It used to be by choice, but now my illness forces me to stay inside. I miss people's company, but constant diarrhea makes me fearful to leave. Even when I'm happy and at ease, I have gastrointestinal problems.

When I'm stressed, I become fatigued, nervous, experience stomach upset, and lately I've been getting headaches. Whatever the problem is stays on my mind.

I've never really had a life purpose. I was told that I'd acheive great things, but I always thought that I was too ugly and worthless to conjure up a plan. When I grew ill, I wanted to become an herbalist, but since I've learned of chemtrails and how oppressive the government is, I gave up the dream. Isn't it hopeless? Aren't we going to get sick and die from the government anyway? Aren't they trying to stop homeopathy?

My goal was to pick myself up and heal myself through the methods on curezone. I wanted to get out of debt, go to school, get my own apartment and live a happy life. Now, I am crushed. I've stopped trying to cure my ailments. Won't chemtrails keep me sick? Isn't it pointless if it's just going to make my illness persist? Aren't the Illumnists going to release some sort of pandemic germ? I just want to kill myself because I feel there is no way out. I used to ask God to please kill me because the pain was so bad.

When people scorn or reject me, I really get down about it. I try to smile all the time to gain their approval.

I'm sorry, there are so many thoughts, but they are all so jumbled.
I really appreciate this, Lapis..

Much love, Des
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