hanging on by one fingernail

I literally am hanging on my one fingernail. My Depression is so incredibly bad and has been for 7 years that I am now at the point where I either have to get better or die. I pray every day to die. I also pray to get better. Nothing has helped; no medication, no therapy, nothing. I have more problems than I can handle. It would take a book to explain them. I simply do not wish to live anymore. I hear everyone say there's so much to live for? What? I know I have two kids who need me, one who is handicapped, and that is the only reason I don't commit suicide, the ONLY reason. Each day is worse than the one before. I look at the bottle of Ativan the psychiatrist prescribed for panic attacks and I think how wonderful it would be to lay down on the sofa and down the bottle and peacefully slip away. I truly do not believe there is any help for me at all. I believe there is a God, but I can't possibly fathom Him allowing this amount of despair and hopelessness without stepping in or intervening in some sort of way when I beg and beg and beg and beg every single moment of every single day. I cry so much all day. What kind of a mother am I? My children are going to be so messed up they'll end up like I am. I have tried everything. I don't know what to do anymore. I give up. Please pray for me. Tweet