Re: Silently standing at the boundary...
Marley, I know where you are at. I've been there. It's so much easier to let the words flow through you onto paper then it is to actually say them. For me it's like that connection has been cut, and reattaching it is painful. But you can reattach it, so that expressing your feelings isn't so painful to do.
I also know the feeling of "if I don't say it it isn't really real." For me it was a guilt trip I put on myself. If I don't deny myself there's something wrong with me. This is also something that you can overcome. But not on your own! That's too overwhelming. I've had my husband to talk to through all of this. I don't know how I would have coped alone.
I still have those emotional problems myself. But I'm more then willing to be there for you in any way that I can. I am Christian, though not Morman, and would pray with you if you're okay with that. I was raised catholic and can understand how what you're taught stays with you, even when you aren't practicing.
Try to take time only one breath at a time. For this one breath you can manage, you can deal with the next when it comes. I know you are in pain, but I'm glad that the pills didn't work this time. It isn't you failing, it's heaven intervening. You are a wonderful and special person. That's often enough to cause the emotional pains that you feel.
God bless and keep you.