It's a cruel hard self inflicted torture.
I know because I have battled it too.
I feel your pain.
Hey I've been there at 3 am too!
There is an reactive trigger for me. I am a comfort seeker. WHen I am fighting an emotional trauma I binge then I can't stand the food in me. So I purge.
Then I tell myself I can't keep letting this happen.
Truth is the lax - purging will most likely - destroy your bowels bit by bit. You will eventually have either leakage, or prolapsed colon, or develop seaping ulcers,or possibly rupture the colon. None of these are pleasant to think of.
I am trying to heal mentally, emotionally and self talk myself through the rough stuff when I am going to binge. If I can stop the binge there will be no need to purge.
I wish you well
and pray for your freedom from this!