When is it enough to divorce him?

I have known my second husband of ten years since he was 17 years old. I am four years older than him and from my first marriage I have a 15.5 year old son that we both love very much. Since I have joint custody, he is the center of our lives.

After ten years and a huge amount of trauma all that happens anymore with my husband is very bad. After two years of marriage we had a stillborn baby boy. Two more 4 and five month pregnancies that miscarried. Now I'm too old and it's just as well, because I don't have faith that we could raise a child together. When we were trying so hard to have a baby after the first one we lost my husband became impotent. In his lame effort to enhance his sexual performance, he turned to p 0 r n and cybersex and became totally addicted to it. He totally stopped having sex with me (it didn't work anyway) and stayed up all night long watching the most disgusting stuff. He began to do really stupid things on his job because he wasn't getting any sleep.

I found out about his activities three years ago and moved us into seperate rooms which we still occupy alone. I like it that way. We did go see a therapist who deals with sexual addiction. When my husband told them his behavior was normal and acceptable and I was simply overreacting, they told him he had a problem and he had betrayed me. So we each had six months of individual and group therapy and classes. Nine months all together and lots of money outlay. I resented being called a "codependent" and being blamed for his behavior. For "allowing" him to behave that way. I guess divorce was the only other option I had all along.

The therapy didn't do a damn bit of good, because he managed to get fired from a good job not too long after the group sessions ended. He was a driver and had three accidents in a year (two days in a row!). As soon as he was under job stress (or unemployment stress) again, he hit the internet and the next thing I know my 13 year old boy is telling me that "maybe his stepdad is gay" because there are 100 p 0 r n videos in the "My music" section of the computer and they are all of men having sex with men! My husband said that it was "simply an escalation of his disease", a disease he denied all along until it became convenient to have it to fall back on.

After that moment I made it so no one could turn on our computer without me, the administrator, entering a password. If he wants to check his e-mail I have to "let him" and I have "content advisor" turned on whenever he is on the computer so he can go virtually nowhere. It is no way to live. I resent it. We should not have to live like this. It really does make me a codepended "cop". If that's what he wants to do why should he be married to me. Let's get a divorce and he can do his thing. But not with me around to watch it.

Now he has screwed up royally on his latest job. He has left his truck unlocked and had a great deal of money stolen (which he paid back without telling me about it - I consider that stealing from our family money) and also recently had the work truck stolen because he left it unlocked with the keys in it. If he wasn't in the union he would definitely not have a job. His boss got really drunk at a company event recently and went ON and ON about what an amazing screw up my husband is. It was awful to listen to.

My husband also has a lot of road rage and speeds like a maniac. He gets speeding tickets frequently. He gets real mad at me when I tell him to slow down and then the next thing we know, we are getting pulled over. Yesterday was the last straw for me when he got another ticket for speeding with me in the car. It's like I let down my guard for a few minutes and he just put the pedal to the metal.

I just want this man out of my life. I brought assets, ability and plans for a bright future to our marriage. He is costing me money right and left - and don't even mention the stress and the total absence of trust. Everyday I worry that I will get another one of those phone calls that he has lost his job or done something that is going to cost us a lot of money to fix. Times are tough, money is tight and he is such a drain. I am really afraid of losing everything we have, and we haven't got much. I am a person who refuses to go into debt. I will not let him take me with him.

I'm not sure if he is bisexual, but that is not something I want to live with either. I always feel like I need and AIDS test and if he is not where he is supposed to be I fear the worst. I never had to worry about that before I saw all that gay p 0 r n. The man is interested in that type of thing. Why wouldn't he participate in it?

I had been trying to get him to go get evaluated for sleep apnea, because he snores like a freight train and stops breathing at night (I know this from "before" the room switch and also from sleeping in the same room with him on vacations). I feel that I am undoubtedly grasping at straws, but I keep hoping that if he was just really fatigued and there was a fix for that, maybe he would begin to act normal again. Like I said, I have known him for 26 years, twelve of which we have been together and ten married. He was the most stable guy on earth, 18 years at the same job, a great person to socialize with and party with, we took trips with friends, he loved his neices and nephews, was a super good son to his parents (only one left alive now) and EVERYBODY loved him. I just can't believe that I did not know this person, that he is so totally different from the one I thought I knew. I probably would have been reluctant to risk marriage again (my first husband dumped me after 15 years for a coworker), but I thought I couldn't go wrong with someone I knew so long, so well. And he seemed like a wonderful person.

Does it sound like there is any hope on earth of anything fixing this mess? I sure can't stand him anymore. I can't stand looking at him, talking to him, being with him, thinking about him. Any good feelings I have had for him are completely gone or buried so deep I can't find them. The only thing I can think of is that my son loves him so that makes me feel even crappier. The only reason I have not initiated divorce proceedings is that I am afraid of the turmoil of a divorce and how much it would hurt all of us. Of course, in spite of the fact that I brought plenty of property to the marriage, splitting it would probably result in my living in a trailer park or something like that. It's a big step down from a nice house in a good school district. But I think that may be what we have to do. I just don't want to do that to my son. It's really the only thing that has kept me with this man for the past three years.

I don't think I will ever trust men again - at least not as husbands or even boyfriends. They might be nice for friends, but I'm just a big loser at relationships. I have issues that must make me pick guys who will take advantage and not love me at all.

Surely someone has something to say about this. I am prepared to hear it all - and I am certain there are those of you who will want to know what is wrong with me to let it go this far or to start it in the first place! Have at me. Tweet