Re: Is this normal behavior at AA?

My case worker probation officer is very condescending, aggressive and quite rude. She doesn't care what happens to me. She thinks that i deserve to go to jail. She says that i am stuck up, arrogant snob. I just need to get through this. As i said within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. These two short skinny creepy old women chair person and ginger are always touching me and groping me at the meetings. This awful hideous woman ginger thinks my body belongs to her. Once she told me indignantly, when I asked her to please remove her face from my breasts, “ You stupid overdressed upper middle class stuck up bitch! It’s fine because I’m woman!” She can't resist either grabbing and squeezing my breasts or ass or rubbing up behind me...it's irritating at the best of times.My husband is always angry, he complains constantly, and makes me feel as though anything I do is inadequate. When he gets upset with me, he leaves the house. Not just for a few minutes, or to walk around, but for several hours. It upsets me like you wouldn't believe! The whole time I'm worried that something happened to him & worried if he'll come home. My husband can be incredibly moody. I often feel like he treats me disrespectfully, he doesn't listen to what I have to say as he always thinks his opinions/ideas/concerns are far more valid than mine. He gets really angry really quickly and talks down to me, swears at me, points his finger at me and basically just shrugs off anything I am trying to tell him that I am feeling. He takes exception if I try to tell him what is making me feel the way I do and takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack. Then he shuts off from the entire 'conversation' and gives me the silent treatment for however long it takes him to calm down. He NEVER apologises.
He always wants to be in control, in charge, the boss. I dont fee that he ever takes my thoughts or feelings into consideration. He just pushes to do what he wants.

Of late I have noticed that I feel anxious most of the time...I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him so we don't have another argument about something. I have a hard time saying no to these two women chair person and ginger at AA. I don't speak up. I wish I could, but I'm too much of a wuss.I am just sick and tired of being taken advantage of by these weird short skinny old ugly women... frustrating... I wish I could lose my temper.I wish I had the strength and courage to not be a doormat. I accept total blame for it though. My fault for not saying no. I let these two women walk all over me. I hate this because I feel like I am an easy target. This awful woman ginger seems to feel the need to constantly grope me. When she wants to interact with me, normally instead of speaking to me she'll walk up, and grab my boobs or ass straight off the bat. She is always grabbing my breasts, grabbing my butt and just rubbing on me in some way. I am standing and she walks up behind me and literally both of her hands are on my breasts and she is squeezing them , basically holding me tight to the point where I can barely move, and then as she lets go squeezes my butt. She constantly jiggles my breasts. She is rude and nasty towards me. I just feel like she is putting me down in front of other women group members and treating me like I am inferior. She is very sarcastic. She always comments on my clothes. She says that i wear too much make up and that i am always overdressed in flashy fancy clothes. This hideous woman ginger calls me stupid rich stuck up overdressed giant cow. This other woman chair person greeted me on my first meeting. Made sure I had her number and some other women's numbers.She suggested
I volunteer to make coffee. Chair person woman is very polite and serious. She is well regarded and known in AA around here. Generally she is well liked by everyone in the meetings. She touches my breasts and ass but not as much as ginger. To be fair, she isn’t constantly reaching for my breasts and ass. But she really does know how to pick her moments. She likes to pat my breasts,squeeze them or just hold on to them. Also she rubs and caress my ass. Three days ago she was giving me a hug and laid her head on my breasts and bounced her head and said "your boobs are soft and nice to lay on you are blessed with big boobs" .Often she talks to me while she is holding onto to me to reassure me. I often hold hands with her, whether I'm waiting with her outside talking and we're just standing there holding hands or whether we're walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. She always links arms with me and walks leaning into me.
I have 19 more meetings to go. I got a dui because of my own irresponsible decision making.

I respect everyone who has found sobriety in the aa program. i can understand why these women members don't like court ordered aa. It can really screw up the environment in these meetings for people who actually use them for help. I need to get through this. I mean what's the worst that could happen? What am I supposed to do? I just go there straight from work. This woman chair person signs my attendance sheets. Also my probation officer calls her(chair person) to verify my attendance? I am too scared to be dishonest about the attendance though. This woman chair person calls me 3 times a day, if I don't answer she emails. She says that court ordered AA opens the eyes of a lot of people who would otherwise not consider themselves alcoholic. Clearly these two short skinny creepy ugly old women (chair person and ginger) my abusers have learned the gaslighting game well. They are relishing the emotional turmoil they create and perceive my action as an open invitation. They have taken a page from a Mad Men-era harassment playbook and assume their status as older, “non-threatening” women entitles them to do so. I don't want to make waves. Social conditioning has trained me to believe that my body is not my own, but rather, public property to be guarded (by my Jealous husband) shamed (by my Mother) and ruthlessly judged (by society.)

This is further underscored by the victim-blaming behavior of the other female participants in my AA group who should be my allies. It is bizarre because i am 5ft10 tall,curvy,well endowed,well built and always on high heels standing next to these old short skinny women(chair person and ginger) i look like a giant.Because of that I am not taken seriously by other women AA group participants.Also these weird women (chair person and ginger) don't look threatening. They are masculine, creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny older women. I am just standing or sitting there like paralyzed not saying a word or laughing awkwardly while these two women are groping me touching me rubbing me hugging me. Most of other women AA members think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob. I'm a not stuck on myself at all.I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself. I work for a good company. I am good and competent at my job. When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my AA all female group), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.The more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.If I'm mildly blue, I will indeed take more care with my appearance, in an effort to banish or soothe the mood. I don’t feel like i can complain about this situation with this two touchy feely women to my husband, as he will say it is all my fault. I have been conditioned to think everything is my fault by my husband and to let him walk all over me, so i might be doing it for every outward situation. The only reason i still attend meetings at the same AA all female group is my husband doesn’t want me round other guys and i can’t tell him about this problem because he will say it’s my fault? Also this woman chair person is respected and well liked in the AA community on a regional level. She does have power over me. She can muck things up for me with my probation officer. I am like frozen, detached and numb while these two women are touching me, groping me and rubbing me. They are touching me and groping me and rubbing on me as much as they want because i am unable to react. I feel like the most spineless person. ANYONE who has even had just a couple of glasses of wine with dinner and gotten behind the wheel of a car, can get a DUI. It is a myth that only "alcoholics" get DUIs. It can happen to anyone who ever drinks alcohol and drives. This woman chair person thinks that i am on a well deserved probation. These two short skinny creepy older women ginger and chair person think they have the right to grab me, put their hands on me without asking. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I always think I'll say this and that, give them a little put down, but of course it never turns out like that! It's also starting to get worse. WHY do they think they can just put their hands all over me without asking? I'm in a freeze mode, where I can't seem to do much when these two women are groping me and touching me. My reaction to touching and groping by these two women is to freeze silently. Because of my freezing i can't tell them to leave me alone. I can't even tell them to stop hugging me groping me rubbing me. Also i go on these AA meetings straight from work and i am always exhausted. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't even feel angry at these two women(chair person and ginger) anymore for what they are doing to me, which I don't understand. This awful woman ginger rubs me and gropes me, tells me that I have a 'sexy' body, and make me feel disgusting.Like I am an object, like I am just fragmented body parts, 'huge round boobs,' a 'curvy ass', 'wide hips,' 'small waist.' When she touches me and gropes me, I feel like I am not even there. Also she often says to me that i am a stuck up overdressed rich stupid giant cow. I'm so passive and weak.

I am mocked by this woman ginger for taking pride in wanting to look nice. I have received many comments from this woman ginger and other women group members such as, “You must have 5 closets at home,” etc. The pressure this woman chair person is putting on me is really starting to stress me. She says I am not showing the neccessary commitment. She is pressuring me to go to meetings every day. This woman chair person tries to be friendly more and more, and this is stressful for me. Sometimes even I feel she is looking for the reason to get involved in my personal life. Also she can't talk to me without putting her hands on my breasts. She rubs my boobs and she comments on my boobs being squishy and soft. Also she pats and rubs my ass. When me and this woman chair person walk to our cars after the meetings we lock arms or hold hands. She even kisses my hand sometimes. My probation officer calls her(chair person) to verify my attendance. I have 19 more meetings to go. My husband is always angry at me. Whenever there is a potential for negativity (and I am not perfect at all so it is ok that he says that I do not do all things right) he is angry and gives me the silent treatment for at least one week if not two. Then when I say lets talk, he replies by this global condemnation of me in all I do, say or am.

I would be ok with being corrected if it was all true, but some of the things he says are so false and so hurtful that I do not know what to do. When we are togeather I feel on the edge because I am anticipating and trying to organize the environment to avoid his anger. I tried to gently talk back, does not work. I try very hard to just agree with everything he says, but that is pretty silly as well because it negates my right to be respected as a person too. I try staying out of his way, or on the other side being super attentive but that does not work either.
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