Hello...your post is so moving, I just wanted to reach out a bit to you, not really my speciality. So fellow human, you are not alone, fellow Christian, others in the BODY OF CHRIST are there with you now, this moment. I am so grieved that you are alone and suffering, but many of us are you know. God must have a special place in his heart for us. I too have experienced the Divine power, clearly it makes a person wonder why sometimes He helps and sometimes we flounder.
I thank Him for this, it reaffirms to me that man is truly evil, really evil., it reaffirms the temporal state of the body, it shows the power of tiny finite things we can not begin to understand. Stop the booze and crack the bible, get as comfortable as you can and start right at Genesis. This body was not made to last, but your spirit and soul, well there are. He still loves you.