Re: lost in translation

SoulfulSurvivor gave you excellent advice. Please take it.

I can only add my experience. My mother was an alcoholic and a narcissist who was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive---not only to us kids but to my father. His response to all of this was to take it and not fight back in any way, shape or form. When we kids would try to defend ourselves against her verbal abuse, he would take us aside and tell us to ignore her (as if we could!) because when we spoke up, she would later give him even more abuse.

For what it's worth, my father's responses were wrong on so many levels. By telling us not to defend ourselves so he wouldn't get more abuse, he was putting himself first. Also, as a parent, it was his job to stand up and defend his kids. My father's attitude was that he provided us kids with food, clothing and shelter---and we should be grateful for that. In other words, don't expect anything else.

My father set himself to be the good guy---except that wasn't true at all. He, too, engaged in his share of verbal and physical abuse (we got beaten with the belt). It took my husband pointing out to me that my father was looking out for himself---not us kids---for me to have that light bulb moment. To this day, my father's responses to what happened when we were growing up are to either 1) Deny it; or 2) Say it wasn't all that bad. Often, his stock response to all of this is "What was I supposed to do?"

Yes, this did affect us kids profoundly. I grew up with little self-confidence and poor self-esteem. In college, I was attracted to males who were verbally abusive and, looking back, some were alcoholics. I'm ever so appreciative that I dodged a bullet and didn't marry someone like that!

One of my brothers is an alcoholic and a depressive. He is one of the walking wounded. His teenaged son is troubled and my brother never connected properly with the boy, which left the boy angry at having a father who pays little attention to him. My brother also very rarely calls or keeps in touch with my father.

As for the other brother, I would overhear him when he was a teen verbally abusing his girlfriends. He grew up with a lot of rage in him.

This is long-winded---and I apologize for that. I wrote this to let you know what living in this type of environment is like from a kid's perspective. Also, to let you know just how profoundly it affects the kids as they grow into adults.

I can't stress enough what SoulfulSurvivor said---document every incident so that you have proof of what is going on behind closed doors. If your wife is anything like my mother was, she is most likely nice to those outside the family. If so, then documentation is important. No one would ever believe us kids when we told them what our mother was like. That can't be right, they would say, she is so nice!

Please---for your kids' sake, get them out of that environment! Is it an easy thing to do? No, it is a long road but well worth it. As SoulfulSurvivor pointed out, hard as it is, it's far easier than it was a generation ago.

Good luck with everything---and please get going! Tweet