Thank you for your responses. i am really glad i woke up to some responses today. I assume you mean by "beating up yourself" that I apologized for my losing the fast. I only did that because I was afraid people would be angry or think I was not serious.
But I do not think it is "beating up on myself" to be OUT of denial about what I am doing to my body, ESPECIALLY when the life-consequences are so severe. i really need support to be a lot more disciplined with food -- a lot more gentle with my body -- a lot more attentive to my body's need to fast and eat lightly and when I eat, not to overdo it.
So I really appreciate the suggestion to go on broth or juices for a day or 2. I had not thought of this. I have to say... it could work, but... both broths and juices are so triggering for me that I would probably way overdrink them and maybe hurt myself. I have to say also -- yes, I hear all the time about not using fibrous foods immediately post -fast... but.. I intuitively really sincerely do not believe this. I respectfully disagree and want to do some research on all of it. I just don't know about juices generaly. i of course would never prescribe behavior for ANYONE besides myself, so please do not feel threatened that I am seeking a different way and understanding. I do believe that I have something real to contribute, though. i may attract and help people who have as hard a time fasting and being "food-sober" as I do. And I think the more people in the world who become able to engage in the supreme gentleness of fasting, the better... Of course it is everyone's individual choice -- i do not mean to be controlling. I realize I jsut sounded prescriptive, a bit, when I just said I didn;t want this. i guess I mean that I want to help enable those who WANT to fast, to fast, and those who WANT some kind of food sobriety, to attain that. I want to help people by posting candidly about my process. As I look over this post I realize I have not really been too open or vulnerable or as much as I could be but I will really try to get more open in subsequent posts.
unfortunately I have already eaten again. I guess I can still make amends. Here is an account. I just want to kind of post this here to keep a record and work out my problems and goals for myself. i will learn to fast, and I will learn to be gentle, and I will learn what my problematic thought process is, and I most of all need... somehow... the willlingness to really commit to using non-triggering foods only. I know that this is what i need to do for my life. i just need to state that here as the first step toward doing it. I want just to make myself accountable. The problem right now has been that I ... just... cannot imagine confining myself to the sprouts. But unfortunately I have to. This is just what I will have to do in life if I want to live at all, really. Well, so, I have to really look at what steps i am willing to take toward such food-sobriety.
So: thank you for your encouragement to get up from my fall.
I am tired now.
I have hardly slept.
I hate this not sleeping. I am voicing this powerfully so as to bring about peaceful plentiful sleep in my life. It should be my priority.
So - last night I ate, as I earlier recounted, what was it 570 calories to break the fast -- all fruit, which is trouble for me. Stopped eating 2 am. Too much food and I bloated myself. Even though it was all acid fruit. This - bloating -- is really the big horror of my life. it incapacitates me to do anything. I am constantly getting bloated, because I cannot obey my body's signals to refrain from eating. The bloat went away by itself but that was violent to do to myself, to eat that much. I got a stop signal from my body which I ignored.
What is the thought process which causes me to ignore stop-eating signals? i must look at this. I have been wanting to since about the age of 7.
This morning I woke up 6 am having slept only 4:30 am to 6 am. I was exhausted, yet I was so compulsed to eat again (my body could not really handle food again until 1:40 pm based on my need to give myself 2 hours to process each 100 calories I eat) -- I was so compulsed to eat again I brutally drove myself to the grocery store and got more fruit. I got more acid fruit. I was exhausted but was compulsed nevertheless to eat. It has something to do with not having eaten in 3 days and that being enough to build up resentment about doing without the drug-of-choice food yet not long enough to really eradicate cravings. This morning I ate like 400 calories of the fruit and then stopped because it was of poor quality. That was good. i stopped! But then I ate almost 1/2 c sesame seed -- it was 6T. With salt, too , which is NOT OK. So total intake for the 6 am meal was 720 calories, after only 4-5 hours' rest for my body since the previous meal , and only 1 1/2 hours' sleep. I am not bloated, because of the manipulatively strategic way I chose the food -- all acid fruit again, which will continue its process of leaching (alkalinizing) minerals from my bones and teeth. I am losing a whole front tooth to this process. I am glad I did not eat all the fruit I bought. But I have way overeaten, based on what my body can handle and based on what anyone's body needs for the space of time I have allowed.
I am so confused and do not know what my food rules are any more. I need food rules and boundaries and I have some and yet... what is exactly going on? ... It makes me SO vulnerable even to think about this or try to define the problem. ... I have had unusual difficulties with food lately, as I mentioned before without explaining. I went through a major trauma with food in the past week, before my fast. I relapsed into eating processed food, on 2 days of that week. Then, deciding, angrily and grudgingly, and with no real willingness of commitment, to restore my rule of raw foods only (which i had kept for over two years before this relapse) -- I had a further trauma, sitting down on my first day back on raw foods only to eat 2,700 calories in one two-hour sitting. I am terrified by all this behavior. I am so frightened and sad. There is a lot more to say but very vulnerable. Um. please do not comment on this or say it is ok.... It is vitally important for me to affirm this is not Ok.
There's more to tell with my background. Please do not criticize my keeping calorie counts etc. PLEASE. PLEASE.
After these traumas I actually started my fast or I made a false start of 31 hour fast but then I succeeded in taking this 3 1/4 day fast which I just ended against my own will, having intended to make a real difference in my health, by fasting at least 7 days. I just... got... too ... miserable! i just couldnt stop projecting misery and feeling that the remaining fasting time would just be unendurable! ...
I just want to fast again and fast longer this time. I also want to have clear food rules that really do limit calories per unit of time. And limit calories taken in at one sitting. i just need to stop bloating myself and stop eating when eating is just not Ok with me and I need to obey my body's stop eating signals. I need to examine the thought processes that are trapping me in all this behavior. It makes me incredibly vulnerable to examine this thinking.
I have to go to bed now. I have to get some sleep.
I wish I could meditate all day for resolve on this problem of overeating. it has ruined my life. given me this dysbiosis. I really need to actually dare to sit down and define the exact problem. What is it that I do that is not Ok with me? What is it that makes me suffer? i really want to devote some time to this. I HAVE to. I... can't determine to do it right now. Also it is a scary thing to consider. I have a lot of history of people more or less yelling at me for having to have food boundaries.
There IS something also problematically vulnerable about posting all this on the forum. I need to assert that I really really really need to fast ... and there is the risk of getting reactions that say "your standards are too high" or otherwise invalidating what I know I need to do. So when I post I do not feel able to be really truly open. i don't want to acknowledge my successes, or improvements, for instance, because it seems this will only feed into the non-acknowledgement of my problems. i am here for really serious reasons. I know fasting is the answer for me. ... This fast has done me some good. I feel vulnerable even affirming that, though. OK.
I wish I could determine to eat bitter green living foods only (sprouts, that is). I find right now I just want to binge on triggering foods instead. Thanks to the fast I am not frantic, but...
I think people may not understand the (1) seriousness of even small infractions for me as they have an effect on my dysbiosis (though I would like to stay in denial of this myself) or (2) the physical nature of my illness which requires fasting, and its neurological effects. When I voice depression, it is not a moral failing. it is the neurochemical consequence of my compulsive overeating -- the effect of the behavior on my systemic bacterial/yeast infection and then the effect of that infection on my nervous system.
I am not compulsed to eat again right now and I think I feel Ok about waiting an adequate amount of time to eat again. I guess. I think the next time I will really be able to handle food is 5:20 am tomorrow. Pretty good that I am willing to wait that long. Pretty good that I am so relatively un-compulsed... after the fast I am not frantic to eat.. well, I am, but I can stop now - i think. I don't know . I may find I am compulsed to eat later in the day instead of waiting overnight. What I do know is that writing helps. If I voice these things I will really help matters.
I must just figure out a way to become willing to stop the triggering foods -- the fruit; the dry unsprouted seeds or nuts or whatever is tempting. I have GOT to stop spending so much money on food. It is all completely ruining my health and my life. i am basically dysfunctional, totally. i post here in the spirit of being holistic, as Chiron suggests -- lookng at my fasting as merely one part of my whole plan for dealing with food. And i KNOW that when I have good boundaries with the food, fasting comes easier... So... this is the reason for all the detail on my eating. ...Ok, I am also needing to voice that I am really scared right now, having recently really violated my hard-fought-for food boundaries.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for being patient and encouraging. Please do not be discouraged by my letter. I am just trying to be really serious about my health and life, as serious as I deserve. I have this negativity that just makes me overeat compulsively and I just want to find a way OUT of it.