OK, I have lost this fast. I made it 8 hours into day 4, thus fasting 80 hours in total.
I am feeling really defeated and sad right now.
I want to post my thoughts about this tomorrow -- why I quit. It may have been simply that I went out of the house to spend time with my friend who stresses me. I didn't stay close to my fasting support network. By nighttime I was really miserable.
I can't give up. I want to achieve longer fasts and need to.
I will re-attempt a long fast in -- I guess several days? Maybe only a few days?
I am really sorry for all this and all my posts etc. I am really in good faith and I hope people believe me. It is actually a big achievement for me to fast any longer than 2 days so this is sort of progress though my last fast was longer -- over 4 1/2 days. A lot longer was that fast. How did I succeed so well at that?
I need to talk about my trauma I went through with food just before this fast. I have not really discussed it. I am embarrassed that I seem to be perfectionistic or fixated on an insoluble problem -- but this is really not the case. i am really suffering ad I really need to discover the way to fasting at length. ... I do believe I am helping anyone who has trouble fasting . In learning publicly how to do it I am helping these others.
So I ate 570 calories to break this fast. 12 ozs raspberries 6 ozs blueberries 3 large kiwi 1 baby lemon. It was too much and I ignored the signal I got to stop and I bloated myself but now the bloat is all gone. I had a tiny bowel movement just now. i broke the fast at night because I was so miserable then, as seemed to be usual. I just need to unlearn all the misery.
I think I was feeling a bit better and knew I could tolerate food at the moment and I was unwilling to keep on the fast and go back into heavy detox and be unable to tolerate food for another while -- who KNOWS how long? shrieks my food addiction (the yeast and bacteria infesting my system). It was scary for me.
I just really need to learn to do this. I really appreciate everyone'e attempts to teach me and I have not ignored them.
I would really like to analyze this problem here since I so need help with it. i need my health and fasting is the way to this.
All this after I bought diapers and wipes, too. I will have to use them in my next fast.
Maybe planning better would help. i will have to set up my environment so it is totally conducive to fasting. For one thing I should do all my household chores before starting so I don't start to panic about those. I have needed to do laundry all during this fast and this was IMPOSSIBLE.
Maybe my next fast will be easier after the detox effect of this fast. I need to change my mindset about it, though, because my mindset about it is something like: Oh, it would be BAD for me to attempt a really long fast, or any fast, so soon after this fast. But in fact it would not. But I really need to work on this. The fasting experts are clear: whenever the body can't handle food you should be fasting. I think there is far too much fear about the frequency of fasts. if you need them, you need them. Also I really truly personally believe there is far too much fear of "starvation." This is simply impossible when food is around ... also there is no really clear (to me) explanation available of how exactly starvation takes place. i just have to be open that I am a skeptic on the accepted thinking about "starvation." Well, this may be getting too controversial -- i don't want to fight with anyone and please feel welcome to your own opinions -- I just need to say that I feel a lot of the talk about starvation is fear-based. I would like to go into this as well but am too tired.
Again, I wish today I had stayed in or at least not gone to the stressful afternoon with my friend. I feel she really is inconsiderate and I am afraid to assert myself to her to ask her not to ignore me when I speak /get obsessed with her own stuff and just subject me to all her extreme thinking about it and yell at me for resisting the thinking if I dare. She has had a lot of trauma but it helps neither of us for me to sit there and say nothing. I actually did talk to her later after losing my fast and I did say how her actions were hurting me and she was really responsive but it was so weird. I was already in the numbed out food state and I just felt it was all too little too late. I couldn't even FEEL what I was doing or saying, either, being numb.
Maybe I should aim for 5 days my next fast. I think I am doing well/staying out of denial by posting immediately about my loss of my fast.