Thank you for your heartfelt words. I've been trying VERY hard lately to figure out G'd and His/Her/Its overly mysterious ways to save Alex.
Most notably, I've experienced a TOTAL loss of faith and hope one Thursday night last week, when Alex's dad and I were searching for his DEAD body along Lake Ontario Shores, most likely, where the Marines have done the same some 30 hours earlier. I remember the exact moment it happened: Alex's dad had a flashlight, and in the cold, pouring rain that got us soaked to our skins 10 minutes after getting out of the car, he went searching into one of those large aluminum draining pipes, and did so for the next 10-12 pipes. While he was looking in that first one, I felt all faith, hope and will to live drain right out of my body, into the soaked and uncaring ground.
I've gained some of it back, eventually, and lost it shortly after, etc. - it's been a roller-coaster of emotions since then, and if G'd truly IS our forgiving parent, He/She/It must have forgiven me for all the things I've thought and SAID in my moments of utter desperation.