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13 Hours Till DAY FOUR
 
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Published: 11 years ago
 

13 Hours Till DAY FOUR


Thank you everyone for your support messages. !!!

I am into day 3 and heading into day 4 of my water fast.

I just need to stay with it.

I am sorry to make a long post here, but I just feel a need to get some things out, especially my terror of continuing the fast and my sense of the misery of it. I want to be free of these emotional hardships!!

My detox symptoms have gone down a bit, though I do not feel very able to move around. I am having "hunger" pangs again. If they go away, they are not true hunger. It is very tempting to react to the pangs by eating. I have to keep my goals in mind, just as Waterdesign says. I am fasting to heal from my condition of using-food-as-a-fix (overeating), total obsession with food, and all the consequences of this -- candidiasis/systemic bacterial infestation; lethargy; constant fatigue; inability to engage in athletics/work on fitness; depression, anxiety. And I want to "get younger --" get a rejuvenated, young appearance back in my skin; and I want to get healthy enough to have children. How can I become a mother if I am exhausted all the time? I am so alarmed that I have let my body and health get into the state they are in. Life isn't forever. The body isn't immortal or indestructible. It requires care. I am so afraid I have just done irreparable damage. I want to do a long fast and emerge well. I know it will probably take a series of long fasts at intervals and strict adherence to a "food-sobriety" when not fasting. This is such misery to me (though overeating is worse, it is hard to realize this). I need to change my thinking and feelings about it (fasting and food-sobriety). For this reason I post about it.

I really need to do a long fast if I want to get my health really back.

I am frightened to do one.

My anxiety also is that if I don't do a long fast, I will steadily get worse.

I had dreamed of being a dancer and athlete, and I am in despair now of even getting the strength in life to run a little.

On the other hand, if I do a long fast, I will probably be enabled to stop the habits (overeating) which led to the development of my condition. FAsting restores in me a state of "sanity" and "de-addicts" me to food. I have done short fasts. They had good effects but a longer fast has always clearly been needed.

I am scared as I consider the seriousness of my condition. It has developed over the whole course of my life. I am constantly weak, fatigued, depressed, anxious, and craving of a food binge, which action increases my symptoms, all of them. It is horrible. I have such torture and difficulty to learn dietary abstemiousness, despite its being so obviously and urgently necessary. I think fasting (I've done short fasts) always help but just not enough.

This is my first fast which I have decided will go beyond a few days. I want to make it ten days. I wish I had the courage to fast 20 or 30 days.

Right now I am still "in detox," feeling weak and groggy, and dizzy if I stand up too fast; and able only to lie in bed all the time. I feel a bit better than last night, so maybe this "fasting-sickness," or first healing crisis, is passing off. I know you are supposed to feel the worst during the first 3 days of the fast.
Can anyone reassure me about this? This first, worst period will yield, won't it???

My primary challenge is mental. it is as hard as hell to keep myself committed to fasting beyond about 3 days. Fear enters into this, but mostly it is feelings of MISERY, that "I can't stand it" or "it isn't worth it." Last night I was frantic with misery, with the whole world seeming bleak and there seeming to be no escape from the mental-emotional torture of this.


...yet I lasted , and fasted, through it...

I can allow myself to be loved, to some extent, and distracted, but when I am alone, I am desperate frequently.

Food binges would ordinarily "relieve" (really, falsely anesthetize and then bring back with a vengeance) this misery. i am now cold turkey off food. I am feeling all that I ordinarily repress. I am 40, unmarried, living without structure or any meaningful work in life, and, though I have a sense of mission in restoring myself to health via fasting, I have no formal program for this, having to construct my own -- I can't really afford the expensive help that is available -- and I find many fasting clinics/practitioners fear fasting anyway and despite my desperately needing to fast they don't really support the full water fast. It seems to be a journey I have to undertake all on my own. I am furious about this of course. it seems at the turn of the last century the populace was less food-addicted and people were less terrorized by the idea of total water fasting. I am really angry about my long-term neglect at the hands of conventional medicine and even supposedly alternative medicine, which seems to be about administering drugs equally -- just supposedly natural drugs. I feel like nobody dares to fast any more. I must fast, however. I really want to build my courage and experience to undertake healing long fasts. I want also -- and this is really primary -- to develop my "food-sobriety" so that in non-fasting periods I will not be hurting myself all over again.

I believe in the "living food diet --" something I don't really see discussed here. I mean, sprouted items. Taken raw. They are actually alive. Fruit, by contrast, has less "life-force." it isn't a living, growing entity. Some of these sprouts , or many, end up being inappropriate for me because of their starchiness . Starch is supposed to be worse than Sugar for triggering candida etc./bacterial overgrowth/general sepsis on the body. So not all sprouts are appropriate. I seem to do best on sprouted sesame, sprouted flax, sprouted alfalfa, sprouted adzuki and sprouted mung though mungs are a bit sweet. I guess maybe sprouted soybeans. All raw of course. it is hogwash that legumes cannot be taken raw. Supposedly this makes the system react in some hostile way. But I really believe this reaction only occurs in cases where your body can't really handle food in the first place. You could take 2 approaches to this -- you could scratch your head and bend your brain trying to figure out WHAT foods you could POSSIBLY get away with eating. you could waste all your time and money in quest of a "Consequence-free" food fix. Alternatively, you could simply listen to these FRIENDLY raw legumes, which are telling you right up front to abstain from food for a bit, and ... lay off the food for a bit. So it seems to me. I have not had trouble with legumes, raw, when my body has been in condition to handle food (as for instance directly after a fast).

Maybe it's just paramount I learn to commit with utter seriousness to limiting the size of my meals to 400 calories (this quantity seems to work for me) and spacing my meals well apart in time (what seems to work is: wait 2 hours per 400 calories to eat again, therefore 8 hours' wait after a 400-calorie meal) Thinking of these rules just makes me miserable. Oh God. But I have to get used to them. The purpose in eating only bitter-tasting, green-colored (chlorophyll-developed) living , raw foods is really to facilitate the adherence to meal-size limits and meal-spacing rules.

So, fasting. i just have to endure this day in bed. i will be able to go out this evening for a 6:30 p.m. event. I am sad, because my phone reception does not allow me really to talk on the phone at home. I have to drive around the corner/block to this public parking lot to talk. The though of doing that makes me so miserable and exhausted. I am afraid to take myself out of my comfort zone, too, because I am afraid of just going into the grocery store. Especially because I am having "hunger" pangs. I want to believe they are false but then my terror tells me they are "real." But if they go away, they are not real, right???

I just have to endure this day and then endure several subsequent days, and I will emerge better , though with the obligation to TOTALLY control my eating, lest I just wreck all the fast will have accomplished.

I am in disbelief that I am actually just moment by moment hour by hour actually committing myself to a fast of as long as ten days.

I need to read some fasting literature to bring up my level of conviction and commitment. I am so scared, because I am so shaky in my resolve. I am just having these secret plans to go eat today, just because of the unfamiliarity of what I am doing. I hate this. I do not know what to do about it. I really need support and conviction to KEEP ON THE FAST. God, can I ever possibly do it????

 

 
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