The Rarest Shit of All
Years ago, while coming down after a night of pretty hard partying, some friends and I got into a lengthy discussion of a fecal nature. It was the kind of stream of consciousness discussion that can only occur between close friends late at night and while under the influence of a variety of chemicals. During this conversation we began to classify the different types of rectal remnants we have encountered in our lives.
We initially decided that there are essentially only two phyla in the fecal kingdom: Firm Turds (Turdabrates) and Diarrhea (Inturdabrates); and that all turds should subsequently fall into one of these two categories. Unfortunately, this simple dichotomy between Firm and Diarrhea is not adequate to encompass all fecal forms. Some poops have characteristics that do not fit neatly into either phylum.
The argument was made that a turd could transition from firm to diarrhea while being released into the wild. After much deliberation, it was proposed that this somewhat common occurrence is actually the simultaneous arrival of two different turds at the exit ring at the same time. This theory did have merit, but it was finally agreed upon that a crap is defined as an event as well as the result left in the bowl afterward. Therefore all material released from the ol' corn chute during a particular bowel movement is indeed a single unique beast and must be categorized as such. Thus the third fecal phylum -- Logarrhea -- was created, to encompass all shits that are simultaneously both solid and liquid.
After we agreed upon the three phyla of poop, the conversation evolved into a discussion of all the different crap types that members of the group had encountered. The varieties seemed endless:
* The Peanut Butter Shit, seemingly impossible to wipe, and quite possibly the messiest of all craps, due to its sticky nature.
* The Bunny Balls, actually a group of Milk Dud-sized poops (or a "Steam" of poops, as a group of shits are properly referred to as a collective).
* The Unexplained Green Goblin, an otherwise-normal log with the exception of its emerald green coloration, often occurring when nothing green was consumed in the days prior to its release.
Once the group had discussed the more common, day-to-day turds, the conversation swayed to the more rare and uncommon shits that had been encountered by members of the group. The ever popular and somewhat rare no-wipe-required turd, or Smoothie, as it came to be called, was brought up. This turd is always a pleasure, but it can only be identified positively first by wiping, and then, after finding no brown evidence on the meat whistle, wiping again to verify that the wipe was indeed thorough and not merely misplaced.
After discussing the Smoothie and its obviously fine traits, the Phantom was brought up -- a truly rare turd that can only be speculated upon, as it is, by its very nature, impossible to inspect. The phantom is a turd that, due to either its velocity, its specific gravity, its unique hydrodynamic properties, or quite possibly all three, manages to make its way out of the %¤#&!§-and into the toilet basin whereupon it then negotiates a 135-degree turn and propels itself down the toilet with no flush required.
And then the question was posed: "What is the rarest of all turds?" It was finally determined that the rarest of all is a combo poop -- the Phantom Smoothie, a unique union of Phantom and Smoothie varieties of turds. The most rare and certainly most elusive of all the shits that one may take, it steals away like a thief in the night, leaving neither in the toilet nor on the toilet paper no evidence that it ever existed. A very enigmatic shit, and one that almost assuredly is accompanied by a sense of pride at having created it. The Germans were allegedly conducting experiments with geist-rückstände, or "ghost-feces," during WWII, as a way of saving water and toilet paper; but their success was minimal outside of the laboratory. So the Phantom Smoothie will surely go down in the annals of history as the rarest of all shits.
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El Poopadore (46) -- 04.20.2005
Very scientific and precise...perhaps this should be taken into consideration when they pen up a new biology book...turdabrates...classic
C Everett Poop (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
What about the no-stink phantom smoothie?
anus (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
What about the splatter the bowl and gass the entire house out turd ?
Logjam (2222) -- 04.20.2005
Smoothie seems a poor descriptor, easily confusable with the texture of the thing rather than the fact that it leaves no trace on the behind behind. Perhaps "The Teflon?" In any case, please keep working on this taxonomy, as it is often the first stage in making something into a science.
shitass (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
Logjam: Agreed. When i read "smoothie" i imagined a soft serve ice cream crap.
And what about a "steam" of turds? I like it, but what about a pile of old turds? ist it still a "steam"?
Good work Bhbeall!
Count Logula (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
How about a green no-stink phantom smoothie with peanuts?
poopprincess (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
I agree with logjam. I had the same visual about the smoothie bowel movement. Maybe we could have a vote.. O well...xxxooo
Bob (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
My 8 year old eats her poop and it is very annoying .......... is that normal?
Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
What happens when one shitting session has a solid turd followed by peanut butter shits, and concluded with liquishit?
What really bothers me is that the solid turd may have been a no-wiper, but peanut butter shits and liquishits contaminate the crime scene, making it impossible to know.
Jack the Ass-Ripper (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
How do you wipe? ......"brown evidence on the meat whistle".... things that make your go um.
Logjam (2222) -- 04.20.2005
Jerko the Prick. Your impersonation of Frank Risso of the Jerky Boys is pretty damned good. You just need to add some physical threats.
stink hole (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
i dont understand meat whistle
Jerko the Prick (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
Hey skunkhole, how about i come over there and beat the stink out of your whistle?
Logjam (2222) -- 04.20.2005
Welcome to the site, Chisel Chest.
Hot Dogs (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
Everytime I eat hot dogs I get wild butt gravy.
poopaloopas (not verified) -- 04.20.2005
a full taxonomy of poop is already constructed.
The Poop Inspector (12) -- 04.20.2005
It has been my experience, C. Everett, that phantom smoothies are usually quite smelly, but are nonetheless my favorite kind of poop to take. Any suggestions how I can consistently accomplish this task?
Tydirium (516) -- 04.20.2005
That site (poopnames.com) is less a taxonomy than just a straight list of names and stuff. A taxonomy would read more like a family tree, with latin names and subtle differences between the species, right?
That's what should be created from this story.
Rectal Inversion (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
Boring. Yeah, we can all relate. The "ghost-feces" comment seems a bit irresponsible, as someone will surely pass this on as fact, which I doubt it is. I'm sure that we already have enough dumbasses on Holocaustal history as it is, and though the Germans do have a rep for poo, this seems too far over the line. Too far, as no one jokes about the experiments that the Germans did in WW2!
dg123 (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
peanut butter do do...try that with a real hairy butt.not pretty. that is one of those 30 min. wipe jobs. drink plenty of water.
ghostpoopi (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
The phantom smoothie is no fart as you can hear it enter the water and if you are looking properly even see the water ripple
spazmo (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
The phantom smoothie is no mystery nor is it a rare poop. It is a very common bodily function called a fart.
chicken gravy (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
this was very funny
makes me wonder how I'd feel after a stink-less phantom smoothie..."did I really take a dump, or did I imagine the whole thing?"
Phantom Explained (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
Explaining the phantom is easy. The dook simply drops into the water with enough velocity to push it under the surface. Due to its angle of entry it moves towards the rear of the toilet, and by the time it surfaces it has reached the other side of the bend and rises in the pipe behind the bowl. Easy as that. And it still requires flushing, as it will stay there until more water pushes it further.
Analiji (not verified) -- 04.21.2005
OK people: Meat whistle = schlong = Penile Appendage.
Lady Ballbuster (not verified) -- 04.22.2005
Before I developed IBS, I used to do Phantom Smoothies quite a bit. I guess it was all those apples I ate, LOL.
Peanut butter shit is one of the most annoying types, and I've always maintained that peanut butter looks pretty much the same going out as it does going in. It can even occur when you don't eat peanut butter...Werther's Originals hard candies can induce a bout of it, for me. But then again, I've been lactose intolerant ever since I got food poisoning, and butt-peed for an entire weekend. :S
Soylent Brown (not verified) -- 04.22.2005
Allow me to clarify, the "Meat Whistle", at least in the context of this story, refers to the bunghole, not the penis. Better verbage would have been "O-ring", "Poo-Lips", "Brown-Star" or even "Crap-Valve" Sorry for the confusion.
The Shit Volcano (3340) -- 04.23.2005
Green Goblin? Is that what those are?
Colon Chowder (not verified) -- 04.24.2005
Instead of "phantom smoothie," how about something like "the ninja" instead? It certainly captures the stealthy nature of this deceptive dung.
beavis (not verified) -- 04.24.2005
call it what you want we call it teflon and it rocks when its not messy
SamDamnit (1190) -- 04.24.2005
I think "meat whistle" was an excellent choice of verbage.
The Great Poopini (not verified) -- 04.24.2005
You're thinking of a skin flute, cousin to the meat whistle.
shitass (not verified) -- 04.27.2005
Meat whistle, skin flute, and the ever popular "penis clarinet"!
kesafloyd (not verified) -- 05.09.2005
I think I've seen the phantoms referred to as "ghost" turds, though I've also heard of packing peanuts referred to as ghost poo.
COLON_COWBOY (not verified) -- 05.19.2005
The Peanut Butter Shit is my favorite. I've also heard it's the healthiest (so sayith my proctologist). Jiffy.
Srgt. Shit (not verified) -- 06.05.2005
I agree about the "smoothie". It seems to descrie a more liquid/chunky shit rather than the clean shit.
STINKLOAF (not verified) -- 06.24.2005
As a specialist in this field, I hold a M.D.A.
(Master of Defecatory Arts), I must say for a lay person you are very wise to the ways of the Turd.
paintchips (not verified) -- 07.21.2005
It looks as though posting has stopped in the thread, but I just found poopreport.com and need to report the findings of my own personal investigations into the green goblin.
Every once and a while in college I was crapping green every day for a month or so. I always wondered what it was because like you said I hadn't eaten anything green. Around the same time I began eating onions for the first time in my life and onions were the first suspect. However, onions didn't seem to consistantly produce anything green. Finally I realized it wasn't anything green going in, but infact something purple going in. Namely, Fierce Grape flavored Gatorade. At the time I bought Gatorade powder mix nearly in bulk and one of the 4 or 5 flavor choices was Grape. So whenever I happened to buy the grape kind I would crap green until I drank it all and bought a new flavor. I get similar results drinking a grape soda every day and drinking grape koolade.
I hope it's not too late for someone to read this and finally be able to get some sleep at night with a firm (or smoothie) answer to their question
Guy Incogneto (not verified) -- 08.04.2005
I would just like to say that the posts for this article were easily as funny if not funnier than the article itself. Pood-os to you all
smackiepipe (not verified) -- 08.28.2005
I hate the peanut butter poos, but even more aggrevating is the Fecal Fracture, where the poop breaks before the tail comes out, leaving it in your butt. You wipe 69 times and each pulled ticket has the small brown streak on it.
It's like having an uncapped brown Sharpie marker stuck in your ass.
SirCrapAlot (not verified) -- 09.01.2005
nice stuff man.......the shit I hate the worst is the good ol deer pellet. you feel like you have a whole load comin out......but it turns out to be a couple deer pellets followed by a whole stinkload of gas......OH THE DISAPPOINTMENT!!!
Zackary (2) -- 10.02.2005
Just what I was looking for. i needed some classification! Keep It Up Scientist! LOL!
L Wrong Hubbard (216) -- 10.19.2005
Well documented. I however feel uneasy at having created a poop that leaves no stain...
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries
L Wrong Hubbard (216) -- 10.19.2005
By the way,
I have surpassed my initial point goal which was to beat Chris Rockwell's 41.
48 and counting. Look out top 10, L Wrong is in the house.
Thanks DAVE, your site makes my day everyday!
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries
Simon Templar (not verified) -- 01.05.2006
HOw about "floaters" and "sinkers"?!
Nobody has discussed those at all.
My favourite poos are the big, brown, no-whipe logs that sink to the bottom but stay in the bowl so that you can examine how many you did and feel proud. I hereby name them "Gravis Subsido Logus Magnus" or BHSL
The Dumpster (2507) -- 01.05.2006
Did anyone mention the "cornucopia turd"? You know--the kind you can look at and identify everything you have eaten in the past 48 hours?
Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 01.18.2006
oh my god, this has got to have been the funniest story i have ever read in my life
btw, i was a journalism major in college and I have to say, this story consisted of excellent observances, concise and tight writing and great usage of analogies...
A+ to u brother, The Economist would be proud to have you...
LivingDeadGirl (13) -- 03.17.2006
Good stuff, Bhbeall! Thanks for sharing it. And I like the term meat whistle - knew whatcha meant right off.
The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
Bruce Ringsting (not verified) -- 04.02.2006
I'm Irish and over here we have a shit more vile than any other and not mentioned above. The Guinness shit. After consuming four of five pints of our national drink, the next day you will expel the blackest, most stinking disgusting shit ever experienced and you will encounter the phenomonen known as ring sting
Oliver Pansoff (not verified) -- 06.25.2006
I have to confirm Paintchip's findings. I used to get very excited when I would have a random green poo. Over the years I've been able to accredit this phenominon to grape drinks - grape soda, grape kool-aid, and grape Gatorade (Riptide Rush is the nectar of the gods) will all yield a green goblin.
Poopgirl (77) -- 07.11.2006
Wow! I myself have never experienced even one of those less rare breeds of poo! They sound so interesting!
Plopleshia (not verified) -- 08.28.2006
In 1984 in Australia McDonald's celebrated the Los Angeles Olympics by having a different shake and sundae every week.
My brother indulged in the blueberry version of both and popped out a poo slug that enjoyed the firmness that comes with two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese etc (and fries) but it was the colour!
Oh my god. It was a lurid blue of a Bic biro lid, like it was from the Wizard of Oz, or an ooma loompa dump.
healthy 1 (1422) -- 09.29.2006
I have smoothies fairly often (when my IBS is not causing trouble). The phantom poop sounds interesting. Why not call the phantom poop, the self propelled poop, or the self desructing poop? The term "Meat whistle" has a bit of a ring to it (no pun intended).
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.
Anonymous Coward #2 (not verified) -- 10.15.2006
I have an addition to this. It has occurred only twice in my life and can only be attributed to the consumption of red velvet cake. I have named it the Velvet Pillar. It is believed to be an elusive cousin to the Green Goblin.
Fecal Follies (167) -- 11.07.2006
The red velvet cake result being a BRIGHT RED poop, correct?
I think each layer of that cake has an entire bottle of red food coloring in it. Blech.
Scared the living poop out of me the first time I ejected the results of eating that cake ... thought my bleeding hemmorhids had returned!
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.
Patriotic Pooper (not verified) -- 04.21.2007
RE: Red poop ... I shit red the morning after eating at a Mexican restaurant. I thought it was blood at first and feared I was dying of some kind of ass cancer. Panicking, I made my wife look at it. She convinced me it was from the chimichongas and apparantly she was right. Whew!
Adolf Shitler (not verified) -- 03.24.2008
May I be the first to congratulate The Poop Report on bringing turdular nomenclature up to date with this informative piece that should be herewith published in brown hardback and find it's place onto the bookshelf of every man's toilet.
Concerning those German World War Two experiments, I personally took an interest in the SS(Shit Squad)attempts to exploit the properties of the Phantom Smoothie and it's ability to disappear. I had hoped this attribute could be masturd with the application of superior Turd Reich science, and then applied to the battlefield so that elite divisions like the SS Turdenkopff could field Poozer tanks with cloaking technology. The beneshits of this Wonder Weapoo should be obvious to any man with the slightest grasp of military shattics. But alas, despite the best efforts of geniuses like Von Brown, the Phantom Smoothie's secret remained hidden to us - a disaster for Doucheland, and the war was lost.