It all started seventeen years ago with a wonderful love story between us. Today, I am at the end of eight months being alone, after our separation, without her in my life, trying to figure out how to make what seems to be our last chance work for us. She’s been gone, she moved on, she evicted me from her heart, accepted others, probably still missing others, but, somehow, we are both willing to give it another try. I stayed, waited, kept her warm in my heart, managed to find her all excuses in the world, understood her, our problems, blamed myself for some shortcomings and waited for her.
How do we do that? How do we put Humpty-Dumpty back together? The moment she accepted to try again, I had such enthusiastic thoughts and I gave too much from day one, I promised and expected dedication and unrelented efforts from both of us to make this work. I know I overreacted and set my expectations too high. The only reason was a feeling that she missed me, that we missed each other and finally found ourselves again. Of course, what she says and wants to happen at this time makes a lot of sense: let’s date and see what happens, if we even still like each other. “Dating” has no meaning for the way I feel for her, but I agree completely that we may discover we both turned into incompatible people and reconciliation is pointless.
We seem to be failing the same way. I get back to my love addiction patterns, I need more of her fast, I put pressure and feel unhappy with the slow pace we move at. She waits or pulls back, not giving anything I need at this stage, not giving me reasons to trust her, not making the steps towards me, not opening her heart and not giving a real chance. She is mighty avoidant and finds it hard to have me back in her life. I know from friends that she misses me, but I don’t know if these are isolated feelings or a state of heart. She misses our family life together, our life with our daughter, the things we shared. All these I found out from her best friend, but were never stated to me, like I only have to see her cold side and never get the sense that she actually loves me. At this point, with all that happened, the way we separated and what happened after, I cannot trust her anymore. I know flirting is a big deal for her, she is a beautiful young woman, the center of attention everywhere she goes. She is seeking and needing the attention. I personally think she has narcissistic personality disorder and I want to help her and us go through this. The sad part is that she doesn’t want to make any efforts, she just wants the relationship to work without working on it, without any efforts. If it’s not working, it’s not worth it, according to her.
On the other hand, I have my own set of issues when around her and I know I am pushing her away, blowing this very important chance. I tend to enmesh and control, I fantasize a lot about how the relationship should be, I judge, I make her feel bad for the things she does to hurt me. It is important for me to communicate, to know everything about each other, to acknowledge and work through issues. I honestly thought I have changed and these feelings are gone for good, but I discover I fall back into the same traps when I am around her. I don’t want that.
1. How can I trust her again? I was expecting and hoping her love will make it obvious, the openness between us will make all issues seem stupid. She is keeping me at a good distance.
2. How can we even stand a chance without communication? It’s not like we have a crush on each other to fuel the relationship. I was thinking counselling, but she is not ready for it and I feel we will fail on our own, when the frustration will become more than the reasons we still feel we want to be together for.
3. How can we deal with the unhealthy patterns in our relationship? How can each of us become better as individuals and have a satisfying relationship?
4. How can I stop worrying and give her more space without this trust I am trying to get us to rebuild? I hate being jealous, but this is what I feel without knowing her love, seeing the way she is, the attention she needs from others, and knowing what happened.
5. Have you gone through anything similar, can you share your story and provide any advice you may find useful for the stage we are in?
6. I have gone through trauma and am very affected by all that happened. I want to forgive and still have only love for her. It is hard when she is now acknowledging the suffering, the emotional side of any of this. What to do to forgive and not kill the love for her in me?