I love you, but am I in love with you any longer?????

Really, this is quite the rhetorical question, but I do ask myself this. I have several friends who have been in the same "type of situation" as me. The boring hum drum of daily life. The pressures of kids and maintaining relationships. "Life comes at you quick!" Many of my friends, as I am, are real optimists. We strive to achieve and live life to its fullest. Getting lost in your child’s stories or simply drowning in their smile. Making a game out of running late for the school's activities because one last customer had their own story to tell you! :-) These days that we live change us as individuals, from the inside out. We are not the person we were 10 years ago when we fell head over heels for that wonderful man we're now married to! I've always wondered how much truth lies in, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I think I'm living that phrase. I love my husband dearly, I care for him deeply. I wish only the best for him, but he is not my livlihood.
I'll make this as short as possible while still getting all facts out there. My husband and I are in our early 30's, married for 10 years, together for 11. He purposed to me live on air, he used to que up love songs on audio cassettes in my car so it would begin playing when I started it to head off for work. Quite the romantic man he was. Within 4 years into our relationship changed, drastically. No more romance. Surprise, surprise! Knowing this is such a common occurrence in relationships I decided we had to make it work.
One of the absolute biggest obstacles was the internet p 0 r n o g r a p h y that he was addicted to. (total of 8 years) He and I had the usual sex toys, watched an x rated movie together once in a while and had sex at least 3 nights a week. I've dealt with this for so many years. You can only imagine how much research I've done. I feel like I’ve heard it all, “It's an addiction, it's not your fault, he must seek counseling.” We did seek counseling and as soon as the counselor put it to him straight he refused to go back. Counseling does not help if you are forced to go. I continued to go for a while, but he no longer had an interest.

After a million desperate pleas and 2 ultimatums (yes, 2-my bad) I believe the p 0 r n has stopped. I have stealth monitoring (he does not know) on all of our computers (except his work computer of course). 3-4 times a month he does click on a sexy picture of some sort, but doesn't visit the picture long. This does bother me that the problem still exists, but suppressed within him?????? As if p 0 r n wasn't bad enough we do not have an emotional relationship at all. We get along and it took us years to figure that part out. Now I just live my life with my 7 year old son and 15 year old daughter and he does his own thing. This works fine, mostly, but his passion for family is not there. He works full time. We both have very good paying careers. His dream is to farm therefore he farms in every moment of his spare time. I support him for the most part, but I am very alone and sad. We do not make memories as a family. When we do get together as a family there's usually too much arguing to have a good time. He doesn’t “enjoy himself.” There is rarely a smile on his face. He’s quiet unless he gets ticked off at the kids and then, of course he raises his voice.

I gave birth to my daughter when I was 15. Her dad and I married and he committed suicide when she was 2. She's been through extensive counseling, but I'm afraid my current husband has scarred her for life. They've had a horrible relationship - horrible. She despises him and I hurt over being torn between the two of them all these years. I'm very close to both of my kids. I feel sad for my daughter. I feel like I’ve chosen him over her all these years even though I tried so desperately to be there for both of them with unbiased opinions.

The rural home we live in is in the trust of his Grandfather. We cannot sell, or ever move for that matter. My husband has neglected so many essential repairs in the home I am dumbfounded. He's so busy working in the field and on tractors (sometimes petty, like painting hubcaps?)! There are things in our home that have been neglected for nearly 5 years (magnifying the problem). I am a very independent woman. I do many of these things myself, but some things I just do not (replacing sub floors). He does not like hired help. He thinks he should do it ALL himself. I have told him (written) we can't really talk about things, never have been good at communicating, all of my feelings about this house becoming a money pit and me being singly responsible for all of the usual housework and repairs. Everything from laundry to replacing screens to working on my sons go-kart because daddy’s too busy. I do not get much of a response. He knew 2 years ago I was seriously considering leaving due to his unresponsiveness on these issues. He has expressed his desire to keep this family unity together, but what do I do when there is no follow through after 10 years?

It boils down to this. I love my husband. I want this to last. I truly do. I just feel so hopeless and alone. We've tried and tried over these 10 years. What next? My father in law came home to an empty house when my husband was 10. His mom left his dad after 20 years. He fears it. He doesn't believe in divorce. His father was the very same person my husband is today. I know, I know. I don't want to wake up in 10 more years and realize I should have left much earlier. I do not want to have regrets. I want to live, live, live!!! My kids and I recently went parasailing and snorkeling!! These are the days worth living! But I want to share them with my partner too (sometimes). He just can’t seem to “enjoy himself.” I do not want to hurt my husband but I long for a much more adventurous life that I'm afraid is not going to happen with him.
I just do not want to hurt him because I know he has a good heart. I know it's in there somewhere (I think). Will I wait forever, just waiting? I've been looking at houses, changing passwords to online accounts, just general preparation for that moment. As I think about leaving and being on my own it truly makes me happy, but I guess you could say (as of now) I just do not have the nerve or heart to do it to him.

I realize both people really have to have the intent of giving to the relationship to make it work, compromise on both ends, and the willingness to be generous toward your partner and want the best for them. I believe my husband and I (after 10 years of marriage) have gotten much better at practicing this message in a general sense. I feel he is extremely aware of this, but has “his own way” of participating. In a sense the hard work he puts into the farm work is a big contribution to the family. I appreciate this from him, but the problem is, we don’t need the contribution. We both have lucrative careers. This is a lifelong dream and hobby for him. I value his determination. It’s great to see him motivated doing something he loves. I just wonder if that’s the only place his motivation will reside. He currently farms 300 acres part time (after his full time day job) but intends to take on triple that in the future. Will he ever show the same passion in making memories with the family?

We tell each other every day “love you” several times. We give each other good bye kisses and hugs and greet each other at home after work with the same (if he’s home.) I know he loves me dearly and would never want to lose me. This I know. What bothers me his lack of motivation to partake in family or “me and him” activities and genuinely enjoy them. He just doesn’t have an interest. I would never expect him to do “everything” with us. I think it’s extremely important to have personal interests that you pursue on your own. I couldn’t handle being with him 24/7. We have to have our space. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. The problem is, I’m a different person when I’m not with him. I enjoy me and I enjoy me and friends and family. He does not enjoy being around people and friends like he did many years ago.

My husband does not believe in all that “getting in touch with your spiritual side.” He’s a “manly man.” He’s very basic, cowboy boots (refuses to wear shoes), wears wranglers and a button up shirt. He makes fun of guys when he seems them in sandles. He thinks it makes them look like “sissies.” His political views are carved in stone and he gets very upset if I disagree with him over some topic on a candidate. He’s gives up and snootily says “whatever.” That’s minor in the grand scheme of things, but I’m more of an open, accepting individual. I got in touch with my spiritual self about three years ago. I became free. I became the me I’ve always wanted to be. He told me “the new me” scared him. As for depression, I don’t think that’s an issue. He was depressed a few years ago, very badly. I could see this in him. He does seem to have Depression type symptoms, but quite honestly that’s just his personality. That’s where my biggest problem lies with him. This is not the man I married.

2 years ago he accused me of having an affair with my 50 year old boss. I’m 31. My boss is most certainly a likable guy. He’s outgoing, humorous and very intelligent. (My husband is an intelligent man too). I assured him that my boss and I are merely co-workers and we do talk, but he talks with all of his employees. He loves helping others and is full of wisdom at his age. A year ago, my husband and I went out for my birthday (which is rare) Many of my friends were in attendance (which is also rare), including my sister. Two days after the outing my sister came to me devastated telling me that my husband groped her, pinned her against the wall and kissed her that evening as she came out of the ladies room. He tried to get her to come home with us and stay all night. I was ABSOLUTELY shocked! She and I played him a little bit through text messaging. As I sat with her, without him knowing, she sent him texts asking him what was up with what he did (this was my proof it really happened). He basically told her he was sorry it wouldn’t happen again and asked that she please not say anything to me. This was so hard for me to overcome. We were still working through his p 0 r n addiction at this time too.

I understand marriage has its ups and downs. We’ve been through SO MUCH together. I warned him very blatantly many times in letters over the last 4 years if things didn’t start to change I was really afraid I would start to “not care anymore” and start falling out of love with him. Meaning I wouldn’t let things bother me so much and start living my own life and if he wants to be with me walk beside me, if not he will be left behind. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost some respect, love and attraction for him due to the sister situation, p 0 r n, anger within him. We’ve always had an interesting sex life. We’ve gotten basic toys involved and are very sexual. He does not make love to me unless I beg him. We f**k all the time, but don’t make love. Usually, he makes very blunt sexual comments during the act and that used to be okay, because it’s just the heat of the moment thing. But now I feel cheap as he does it. Our sex is great, but I do not feel an emotional connection at all. Of course I fear whether his p 0 r n problem has really gone away or he's just figured out how to better hide it. I wonder if it will return in the future. How is one to know?

As for the kids, my 15 year old daughter has a very good child psychologist at her disposal due to the unfortunate series of events in her life. She went regularly for a few years and now as needed. My 7 year old son is very stable. He has had so much love in his life. He is a very affectionate, loving little man. He has grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles that he is very close to. If I were to divorce I don’t feel like it would be a big custody battle. My son would share homes between me and my husband as he wished. My daughter for sure would come with me.

My husband and I have all the usual problems couples do and we work through those things pretty easily. Primarily, it’s my feeling as if I’m living the majority of my life and making memories alone. I need a balance of making family memories and making myself memories. I travel 3-4 times a year with my job. The trade shows last between 3 – 7 days. He gets pretty grouchy with the kids while I’m gone. He is very short with me on the phone when I call to check in. My company has networking events each evening of the trade show and they do last pretty late. We’re on our feet for 12 hours at the trade show and then enjoy a bit of winding down by having drinks and mingling with industry associates. He thinks I’m looking for someone else. I’ve told him this is just not the case. He’s checked my Cell Phone bill and questioned numbers. I don’t want to “be with someone else.” Things aren’t “bad” I just feel alone in my journey. I feel like I’m somewhere I don’t belong, yet I want this marriage and family.
I always knew farming was a passion that he would one day pursue. My vision was 20 years from now as a hobby. Not in our early thirties while our kids were prospering and need our direction. He treated my daughter delightfully. They played, laughed seemed to “respect one another.” Things changed, almost like the flip of a switch. He became very negative about everything and was on my daughter about such silly stuff. His family and mine noticed it. I would get comments, “Why is he so rough on her?” Now, he’s got the “unhappy, easily irritated, bump on a log” kind of a guy reputation. He gets frustrated easily at my son and daughter. My son asked me last week why Daddy has to yell at him and his friends every time he has someone over. He has zero patience, especially for children. Don’t get me wrong he and my son love each other dearly, but my son is afraid of him.

My husband knows very well that I’m an adventurous, active woman. When he and I met, ironically we were both scheduled to skydive within 2 weeks from one another. He was an outgoing radio personality and planned to broadcast live from 10,000 feet in the air. And he did!! 11 years later and his viewpoint is; he has no need for friends, he does not like being around people. He does not attend friends’ weddings, family reunions, went to only one of my daughters basketball games during the whole season. My husband mentioned in his email today that he has no desire to socialize or have friends. He has withdrawn from his friends over the last year. He said he has no desire to be around other people. He said all he really needs is his family and his farming?????? I enjoy meeting up with families for supper, go to a movie, stay out of town and let the kids swim in an awesome hotel. He's into NONE of this. I want so badly to mentor young neglected children. I do not because of his huge disinterest in children. He says the way I enjoy life scares him. He’s afraid he will not be enough for me. We absolutely have separate interests. I think that is necessary and healthy. The problem is he shows no signs of enjoyment if/when the rare moment occurs that we do something as a family. He simply doesn’t enjoy outings, activities and people. My kids rarely have anyone over either, they go to their friends because my husband has a very low tolerance for other people, especially kids. It was not that way in the beginning. I want an open door for my kids' friends. I want to be the house they end up at when they need a shoulder. They know me and love me, but rarely visit. He is upset because our 7 year old son doesn't show interest in farming. (He's 7!)! He also fessed up to all I've laid on the table and asked me to please hang tight through this farming season. I agree with him, but he does not have the greatest track record in following through either. Unless, of course it's farm related, then come hell or high waters he will make it happen.

One creepy thing is I've actually thought about how I would feel in my heart if he were with another woman and it doesn't seem to spark any bad vibes. I wondered if that was a sign. I would definitely not get involved with another mate for a long time. I have male friends (but not on an intimate level), my kids know them. I have no desire to become involved with someone. I feel that's where some of this is coming from, I want to feel independence as a woman. I'm very self sufficient. Yet I need that unconditional love and support from my man. I do feel fortunate that I'm not in a situation as some women are (physical abuse). My heart goes out to them. I saw my Mother live through it.

I guess it's the hope I hang on to. The hope that we will one day be that fun, cheery, happy couple we were in the beginning. I think my love is more for what we had, than where we are now. I am loving the old him thinking, I know he has it in him, he's done it." He does not feed my soul. He just does not. Gosh, I feel so alone. I feel as if I'm picking the petals from a flower, leave him, stay, leave him, stay....then I get to the leave him petal and shrink into a hole and hide so I don't have to face it. I am almost certain I need to at least try moving out, but I am so afraid of dealing with the immense turmoil. His family knows nothing. They are good people and love me dearly. I love them too. I have much respect for them.

I kindly thank you for your time, advice, insight and suggestions!

Seek – Find – Face – Embrace!

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