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There are some things that I am not understanding about your situation... If our wife is as wonderful as you have described, and if you were having such a fabulous relationship... why were you spending so much time on the internet? Was there something missing from your marriage? What need or desire was being fulfilled with this 'other woman' that was not being met with your wife?

You have said that you have destroyed two lives... yours and that of your wife's. While I don't doubt that this may, indeed, be a very painful time for both of you, there is another way of looking at this. Allow me to give you an example from my own life...

I was previously married to a man that I loved very much and to whom I was very devoted. I had fully expected that we would remain married and both honor our wedding vows... we were best friends and had been together many years prior to getting married. However, we divorced a number of years ago. He was unfaithful in our marriage, and unwilling to give up his relationship with the 'other woman' and work things out with me. I was absolutely devastated in almost every way when we split up; my whole life was turned upside down! However, I was also very aware of something rather peculiar that was happening simultaneously to his pulling away from me.

While we shared a great deal in common, loved each other quite deeply, expressed a lot of affection for each other, were supportive of each other, and very rarely fought... there was one very important element that was missing in our marriage. We were not sexually compatible with each other, and neither one of us was getting our sexual needs met. My way of dealing with this, on an unconscious level, was to shut down physically and simply not experience much sexual desire. We even saw a therapist about it, however, we were not able to work it out. In hindsight, this was no surprise to me as the chemistry just wasn't right between us. And his way of dealing with this was to eventually go elsewhere in order to have his sexual needs met. Again, in hindsight, this is no surprise as sexual expression is a very important part of a marital relationship.

So what was this peculiar thing that happened to me? Well, as he began pulling away from me and then eventually left me, my sexual desire simultaneously returned... and in spades! It was one of the most bizarre things that I had ever experienced up until that time! There I was... my marriage was disintegrating, in many ways I was a basket case, and yet sexually I was more alive and healthier than I had ever been! Talk about a cosmic joke, lol! Now I have a much greater understanding of the dynamics between us, and am much happier and healthier to have my sexuality back! It is simply too essential a part of who we are not to have it! And in that way, I consider the break-up of my marriage as a great gift!

Additionally, prior to our split I had never really learned how to live well on my own and be independent. I was terrified of being alone when my husband first left, and I was an emotional wreck! Many times I wondered if I would ever get through it, and I went into a very deep Depression that lasted for some time. Gradually I worked my way out of that dark pit, and... long-story short... I was all the more stronger and healthier for having gone through it! Now I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own, relish the time I have to myself, and enjoy my own company. Yet another great gift!

And if a relationship with anyone is not adding something positive to my life, I simply don't bother with it! I've also learned that if a relationship is not working for one person, it is really not working for either of them... and it is best to let it go! Especially between men and women in a relationship, it's either both win or no one really wins, and... in my opinion... this even includes children. With each relationship that I have ever had... no matter how painful or how positive... I have learned an incredible amount about myself and others, and every bit of it has been beneficial in some way. They are all gifts!

So... when you say that you have destroyed two lives, is that really the case? Perhaps another way of looking at it is that there are cycles of destruction and creation, and both are necessary parts of our personal evolution. Without a doubt, the life that you and your wife have had together is over as you both knew it. However, that does not mean that either one of your lives are destroyed. Whether together or separate, you each have an opportunity to create something even better! And what that may be is for each one of you to decide!


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