Re: Wife's blackmail

I'm sorry that your marriage is in such a state, xbow. I have a few suggestions.

First, I would hire the best divorce attorney that I could find. I realize that this would require me to lay out a large, lump sum in order to retain him/her, but I wouldn't make a single move without consulting and retaining an attorney.

Second, I would ask my spouse to attend marital counseling with me. You're describing behaviors that are, indeed, abusive and she may take advantage of the opportunity to help herself, her marriage, and (most important) her children by finding an emotionally healthier path.

Third, I would begin keeping a personal log that is hand-written and NOT saved to a technological device. I would note the dates, times, exact quotes, and children's reactions to any (and, all) disputes, threats, etc. This log would have to be written WITHOUT my adding emotional or moral judgements and would have to remain as objective as humanly possible. I would keep this journal in a safe, secure place and update it, daily. This log would prove invaluable to me if my spouse continued on the path to divorce.

THEN, I would document the history of my marriage in the same manner - no emotion, no judgement, just the facts, whether the facts and Truth make me look like an ass or not. This would also be hand-written and kept secure. My marital history may provide a pattern to these explosive episodes, my reactions to them, my possible involvement in producing them, etc. This marital history would include every detail that I could remember: shopping sprees, violent episodes, drug abuse, insurance fraud, mutual accomplishments (earning degrees, promotions), changes in residences, etc., etc., etc.

THEN, I would involve my Self in individual counseling. If I am being abused, a counselor will be able to help me move from victim into the status of Survivor. In addition, I would learn tools to help me cope with the road ahead as well as have documented evidence of my spouse's abusive behaviors. I would also involve my children in counseling to help them deal with what's been going on because THEY are more victimized than I have been - children do not have a choice as to whom their parents will be and they suffer, silently, when domestic violence and abuse rages around their innocent heads.

Separation and divorce is never mutual or kind - either there is money on the line or children that are fought over. No matter how tempted you are, LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF ALL ADULT ISSUES!!!!!!!!! This means that you do not discuss your utility bills with them, the reasons that mommy and daddy are arguing, NOTHING. Children are quite aware of the tension, but they cannot process the adult information that comes along with separation and divorce - do not, do not, DO NOT involve your children in your issues. And, DO NOT use your children as tools of negotiation, threat, or anything else. These children are going to be affected by everything that's happened, already. If your wife feels the need to use these poor kids as weapons, kindly (and, QUIETLY) point out to her that the children have nothing to do with the issues between the two of you and to please, leave them out of your issues.

Hope that some of this is helpful to you. Best wishes to you. Tweet