Hey, I'm also 18 years old. You know I could say the same thing. I grew up with an abusive dad, my mom had to run away to a shelter with my sister and I, and then my mom married her current husband who is also an abusive loser - but he doesn't abuse my mom, only me. And somehow, that's okay to my mom, because she's not running away from him like she did my dad. I also don't get along with my parents, and spend a lot of time alone because I'm very quiet and I tend to withdraw from people out of fear from all the abuse I've suffered in life, not just at home, but at school too. All thoughout school I was bullied mercilessly and in grade 11 one of my teachers threatened and sexually harrassed me.

The point is, you're NOT the only one who's felt this way. And I have to tell you, it seems like you're looking for everyone around you to change for you. You want people at school to come up and talk to you, you want your parents to notice you. But what are you doing to provoke change? You said yourself all you do is basically play video games. People's reactions to you are based on what YOU put out. If you put out the vibes that you're a "freak", that "your life isn't worth living", you don't have any friends, and you don't consider yourself to be a worthwhile person, then people will respond to that intuitively and treat you as such.

To be perfectly straightforward, CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU. If you want people to treat you like the wonderful, derserving, and worthwhile human being you are, YOU need to believe it first. YOU need to put forth the effort to change. Your parents aren't going to suddenly come up to your room, give you a hug and apologise for not giving you what you needed out of life. People at school aren't suddenly going to feel bad for you being all alone and decide to hang out with you one day. What you need to do is begin to believe that you deserve better that what you currently have, and believe in your own worth. You are worthy of love, you know. You are worthy of friends, you are worthy of success and you are worthy of happiness. It's your birthright as a person. But it's up to you have to take that birthright and activiate it. Until you truly believe that, you'll only get what you currently think you deserve - and it sounds like you think you deserve a pretty lonely, unhappy life.

Now, I'm not talking about being all conceited and yelling at your parents "I deserve better than you!" (Been there, done that lol!). It won't work. I'm talking about LOVING YOURSELF (a hard concept, eh? It get easier as you go along with it). You have to love yourself in order for others to love you. That's why people are naturally attracted to truly confident people - those confident people love and respect themselves on the inside. We respond to that and think "if they love themselves, they must be worthy of my love too" - do you get my drift? Right now you're looking for everyone else to solve your problems and make you happy, when the solution isn't external - it's internal. The power is right inside of you. All you have to do it take hold of it and use it.

To begin, you have to start with position affirmations EVERY DAY. Look at yourself in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself, "I love and approve of myself". and "(your name here), I love you." Sounds kind of werid doesn't it? I first read how to do that in a book and the first thing that popped into my mind was "Wow, that's so uncomfortable." And saying it will completely make you feel uncomfortable, you may even get angry saying it. But that's perfectly natural right now, because it sounds to me like you hate yourself. It sounds like you don't even value your life, because you want to die. That's not right, you see - your life is a gift for you to use. YOU have the power to make your life a great one. If people hurt you, it's because YOU gave away YOUR power to that person, and you let them hurt you. Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Keep saying that affirmation daily, and say it all day. Yes, all day. Just have it as a running though in the back of your mind, or when you're out walking, or taking a shower, or listening to music, or lying on your bed... all day, say "I love and approve of myself. I love myself, I'm a great person." And trust me, you'll get SO much resistence to this thought. You'll get angry and irritable and you'll start to think of everything you don't like about yourself... it's tough. But it WILL get easier if you KEEP AT IT. I've been doing it for about 4 months now, and lately I've been catching myself saying just random positive things about myself, or when my mom's husband starts to get abusive, I don't just take it anymore, because I know I deserve better and I'm NOT going to give my power away. I love myself too much to let someone hurt me. They don't have that right.

When the "I love and approve of myself" resistence begins to lessen, start to add more affirmations, like "I am worthy of love. I am worthy of friends. I am worthy of success and happiness." And say it all day to yourself as well, along with the other affirmations. And don't forget to say every morning and night the "I am worthy" and the "I love and approve of myself" affirmations in front of the mirror, looking yourself in the eye. You should make a habit of saying it every day for the rest of your life. It takes 10 seconds, but makes such a HUGE difference emotionally.

One other thing I'd like to mention - The thing to realise is, when people do TRY to hurt you (like your parents) it isn't intentional at all. They don't know any better, or they didn't at the time. Ever heard of the cycle of violence, where kids who grow up in abusive homes are very likely to become abusers or get involved in relationships with abusive people? They continue the cycle of enagaging with violent people because they don't know any different - they don't realise there's a better way of life out there. When your parents left you at home when you were little, it's not because they didn't love you or want to love you, it's because they didn't know how to be the parents you needed them to be. I had that trouble with my mom, too. She was never there for me growing up, and she lets her current husband abuse me. Why? Well, I dug into her past a bit and found out my grandmother (her mother) had been a cold-hearted control freak and had never paid my mom much attention growing up either. My mom left home at 18, and to this day they don't speak much, and when they do it's never anything personal because they don't know how to love eachother and relate to eachother personally. And guess what? My great grandmother (my grandma's mom) was (according to my sources) the meanest and coldest person you could ever meet. It's all part of the cycle - my great grandmother never showed my grandma real love, so she never learned how to be a good parent and show love to her children, and she passed that down to my mom. And my mom, thinking she wasn't worthy of love because she never got any affection from her mom, choose to marry men who were abusive and were unable to show love properly either. When you start looking back on how all these cycles started, and you begin to see that maybe your parents are really just as hurt as you are but don't realise it. It makes forgiveness a bit easier. Forgiveness is understanding, and forgiveness (even the willingness to forgive) is key to getting out of your angry, resentful thought patterns. The past is long gone, your power is in the present.

But let me tell you - the very fact that you're not just accepting your parents' behaviour shows me that you're a lot more full of love, life and maturity than you think you are. Do you know how many people would just say, "Well, I guess that's how life is!" and continue the cycle? You came on this board looking for change, because you, unlike your parents, see that there's a problem. Don't condem them, mind you, for not seeing the problem, but instead maybe feel a bit sorry for them. Your life is going to be a lot richer and more fulfilling than theirs :) You're strong and wise enough to stop the cycle for YOURSELF. To do that, you need to give YOURSELF the love and self-worth you need - don't depend on others to do it for you.

You should also read this book that has helped me immensely, its called "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. Hide it in your night table drawer or under your bed if you want - nobody has to know you're reading it. There's a workbook you can get to go with the book too, it would be great if you could do that along with reading the book. Read a chapter of the book everyday if you can, and once you've finished reading it, re-read it. It may seem like mambo-jambo at first and you may not believe everything the author says, but give it a chance and read it a few times. You owe yourself that much :) It's a short book, and an easy read. You can order it off of amazon.com, but I would imagine it's in most major chain bookstores, or get it off ebay.

Wow, that was a long message eh? Took me a half hour to write!! I hope it helps you and you understood most of it. Please don't hesitate to message me back if you have any questions. You're going to be okay, I have faith in you :) You have the power right in THIS moment to change YOUR life and be happy.

Break out of your rut. Get a fresh start and join the military. They have college programs. See the world. I recommend the Air Force...if you're smart enough.
Good Luck!
Mary

i knew a guy once that always went around with a sour puss scowl on his face... was always in a very angry negative mood... i think he hated the world... and no one wanted to be around him... (and who could blame them)... i remember that i tried to be friendly with him but nothing worked... always smiling and saying hello when ever we passed each other in the hallway... but he never replied... and eventually it got to the point that i never acknowledged him at all... not even to say hello... so the reason i bring this up is because it was a job he was doing to himself... it wasn't me making him bitter... nor was it the rest of the world doing it to him... but it was only he that was doing one helleva number on himself...

at this point... i don't think you've ever met your nearest dearest friend... the best friend you have in all the world... "yourself"...

think about it...

there is only one stuck inside your skin... and who is that...??? do you really know...??? afterall... who is the only one you hang out with... who is the one you go to bed with every night... the one you wake up with... who is the one looking back at you in the mirror... so it's just a matter of "WAKING UP"... get to know your best friend... learn to be comfortable by yourself... and like i've said already... you are the only one stuck inside your skin...

besides... what the hell does it matter what others think...??? you nor i will ever be able to control how they think... and i bet you are not one twit better at reading minds than i ever was... as i recall... i failed "mind reading 101"...

stop this crazy shit of trying to escape reality... what the hell is reality anyway... it is exactly what you make of it... if you want to escape something try escaping from the %¤#&!§-ideas that you have of yourself... it's all a head job that you are doing to yourself... so why don't we change the game... why don't we concentrate on changing everything that we don't like about ourself... start by developing character... after all... we are all only playing character parts that our own "ego" dishes out for us to play... in time you will learn that you are not your "ego"... try to accept the idea that maybe you are "crazy as a loon"... but don't let that blow you away... look at how "crazy" society is... this whole world is... for the most part society "wackyass... fruitloops... bonkers"... so... if you have only crazy people to learn from what is the likelyhood that you will grow up straight and strong...???

if you want to change the world... start by changing yourself... and in time you will learn that you are not who you thought you were... deep down within is the real you... find 'him' and get to know 'him'... you can start by learning to be still... learn to be quiet... learn to listen that you might listen to learn... just in case you don't know it... your own 'ego' is your enemy... your 'ego' is who you think you are... it is your 'mind'... but you let it run wild like a wildchild... learn to control it... you need to know that you are not your mind... nor the crazy uncontroallbe thoughts that it spews out... the mind can be made to be still... the mind is merely a tool for you to use... so do not let the tool rule you... it all has to do with learning who you truly are... it all has to do with learning some simple principles to live by ... like honesty and integrity... because without honesty... or honor... we have nothing... and life has little or no meaning...

"to thine 'Self' be true"...

first of all learn to forgive everyone of everything... and you will discover that you will be able to forgive yourself... stop judging others... and you'll stop judging yourself... love others and you will love yourself... and it might surprise you to find out that when you love others they in turn will love you... but it all has to do with learning to love... because when you learn to love... you will transmit an 'aura' of peace and contentment that others will be attracted to...

"greater is he that conquers himself than he that conquers the world"...

not sure if this part is going to make any sense to you... but you should really strive to get to know the one within... some like to call it your inner child... nurish him... feed him... be as gently... kind... and loving to him as you possibly can be... and in time if you rear that child right... that will be the person you will become... one much greater than anything you've ever thought yourself to be...

my advice is to get out! get away!! go far and fly free, start over in a new town, with a new persona. go to college somewhere far away, leave behind the utter hopelessness and the despair and start figuring out what you really want to do. force yourself to do something where you have to interact with other people, doesn't matter what it is, just do it. join some club or some group that meets regularly. they have this thing called "the hoofers club" at the university in my town. they meet regularly and do things like kayaking and rock climbing and things like that. find something like that that interests you and join.

stop insisting that life is a piece of crap not worth living, begin to take the steps towards improving your life and your life will improve.

try this - make a short list of some things you want. could be very simple, like a good car, a friend, a hobby i enjoy, whatever. then begin taking small steps toward making those things a reality. doesn't matter how small, just a step, then another, then another. soon things will actually improve, watch i guarantee it, they really will.

but really do get out of that town and even that state, shake the dust off your feet, and take a deep deep breath and find somewhere where people don't know you and you can start out new and fresh. the world is a lot bigger and more adventurous and life is so much more worth living than you realize right now, but you can begin to embrace life if you choose.

good luck to you sir!!

There are different versions of that song (it's not just Billy Joel) and there is disagreement as to it's meaning, but, basically it means that the more tender your heart, the more likely it is that a piece of you will die every day (in sorrow, a sentimental heart will experience more disappointment from this cold, cruel world).

I'm a 52 year old male that has suffered 51 years of suicidal Depression because of the failure of my parents (family ostracized me and made me feel less than human, broken spirit, identity crisis). So, you see, it really can get worse and mess up your life if you don't handle the situation while you're young (I guess if I had only read a book like magic glitter mentioned, it wouldn't have continued for 51 years). I never had any therapy at all because my personal attitude (strong willed) was that it is indoctrination, and I love myself too much to let that happen (oh well, to each his own). I've ENDURED a lot of adversity (never SUFFERED adversity because I always knew I didn't DESERVE TO SUFFER,...attitude). Magic Glitter is right, SELF-RESPECT is very important. One thing I've always noticed whenever I met someone who was depressed/lonely is that depressed people tend to be very insightful and smart because they have learned to actually feel and understand sorrow (empathy). By their nature, they also tend to be genuinely and sincerely righteous (not self-righteous) and the kind of person that a decent person would very much want to know (and the kind that shallow people have a need to disrespect and resent,...standing next to you, the shallow person looks like a low-down "slug"). You'll notice that people who have little sneaky schemes will constantly try and put you down and make a fool out of you because you make them look BAD because of your noble character (you offend their conscience). You feel comfortable with yourself (your conscience needs no defense, theirs does). It's also that they are shallow and you tend to be profound (you also offend their ego). Realize these things about yourself, this will help you with self-respect. In the beginning, humility will become a problem, just keep that in mind.

I didn't get to see the other posts that were mentioned (so I'm only commenting on this one).

Don't worry about the spelling errors too much, until you have a clear mind to concentrate (without the insane stress of the family), concentration on learning ANYTHING is going to be an uphill battle (it is unlikely that you'll be able to do much in college while living with family).

People tend to LIVE their nicknames, it would be better not to call yourself "Outsider". I came to Curezone when I was about 47. In 47 years, as far as emotional adversity, I've experienced just about everything and really have "been there done that". So, try a username like "Growing Strong" or "I'm here" (names are therapeutic and build confidence).

Don't condemn yourself for playing video games, they offer you peace of mind (something that I searched for all my life), just don't let them become an OBSESSION and keep you away from people. Society teaches us a lot of prudish, condescending and self-defeating attitudes towards ourself and others. It teaches us to be in competition with each other and frantically pursue status. With this attitude, we can never feel "satisfied" that we are adequate and will always feel UNCOMFORTABLE WITH OURSELVES. No one is "better" than another person, we might be "better off" than somebody else (with a better job, happy marriage, etc.), but not better THAN the other person. Get to know who you are and what kind of person you are (shallow, profound, good/decent or bad/scheming, etc.). The only way we can enjoy life and really be happy is by knowing who we are. Don't sentence yourself to never having a girlfriend, God will make a fool out of you.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>"I dont see why doesnt #17975 shoot himslef."<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<




Don't Sugar coat it? You got it, and the longest reply I have ever written...

You throw out that vile crap like that to others and then expect good advice in return? Ever hear of Karma? What goes around comes around? You are asking for reasons to keep living while you are telling others to just commit suicide. I get the feeling you drop bombs like that to others and have no idea you hurt them, or you do and just cop out like you when said "Just being honsest" (the phrase of lonely people by the way). If something is true does that mean you should say it or hurt someone? How do you think #17975 feels right now after reading that? That is so F'd up, in what you said and the logic behind it even. In fact, you can sum up what I was going to say to you in that one very revealing and vile sentence you said to someone who asks for help in their time of need as you do now. What you say about people says more about you than it does them. With that one sentence, I know more about you than the rest of your whole paragraph told me. No wonder you have no friends. Good luck getting that office job when you can't work with others in a give-and-take relationship. Your socialization skills probably stink. What are you going to do about it to improve those skills?

I'm guessing your parents gave you no guidance or told you what you needed to hear to grow up, never taught you of consequences and how to treat others. Therefore you will likely have a lot of hard lessons in life since your parents didn't teach you those lessons - the real world is not "sugar coated" so prepared for a rude awakening. Your parents likely "sugar coated" life to protect you or because they had no idea what they were doing when they raised you. That's why you beg for non-sugar-coated advice now. You need old school guidance, your brain needs direction, you have pent up frustrations and motivations but nowhere to take it, nowhere to direct your energy.

*Is that a surprise? Your parents are obviously losers who are incapable of raising a kid to become anything in life. No wonder you turned out the way you did, with such a pathetic family. Everyone else in life is functional and happy, why aren't you? Maybe it's genetic! Do your parents blame their parents too?* Does this * paragraph cause a reaction in you? Is it true? A slap of reality within you coming to the surface now? Or not? Are you mentally standing up for your parents now, just a little? Does that tell you anything? Am I now the person you hate? Or agree with? Analyze what is going through your mind right now - what does that tell you?

Remove the passivity in your life... Stop blaming others, do something to change yourself. Throw out the passive tv movies and video games and face reality now while you can still change it. Go out and lead others instead of being led by others. Rewire your brain. Stop putting control of your life into the hands of others (like your parents) by blaming them for your failures in life. To give others credit for your failures is to give them control over you. Give others control and you must also give them credit for your successes. Do you thank others for you successes? When was the last time you thanked someone and gave them credit for your successes in life, however trivial those successes might be? You get credit for the good stuff, and everyone else gets credit for the bad stuff? Are you thankful for anything? Your parents fed and sheltered you for 18 years. A lot of people are f'ing homeless, wishing they could take a hot shower and eat like you can at any time. You have no idea how many resources you have right now at your disposal to better your life - but no one told you did they? It doesn't matter what your parents did, what matters is what you do now.

You are creating a victim out of yourself and spreading negativity to everyone else. Well, no one wants to hang out with a dead fish or a depressed ahole or whiner who only takes and never gives. Do you make an effort to make others feel good, or do you just expect them to give and give by making you feel good? Do you expect others to lead you around? No one likes to recieve negativity, and no one wants to be blamed for your failures, and no one wants the responsibility of your successes in life and the responsibility of controlling you - at least not the people who you want as friends and family. No one likes a pity party - give people the idea that you are a victim and they will start to believe you. When you give people the idea that you are a victim, you are asking them to treat you like one, which requires them to give you special attention and do all the work in the relationship, giving you all the attention with little in return. There are people who will gladly take control over you when you allow them, but these are the people who will screw you. The good people will get burned out and leave you, and the bad people will take advantage of you because they see you as weak - you are already a victim as you say, so they see you are a good target to take advantage of. Got it?

Your parents may be right or wrong, the point is, who f'ing cares? Nobody cares. Did you get that? Nobody cares what your parents did or didn't do. No one. No one but you, if you let it. Do I care? I could care less about how you were wronged by your parents. Do you care about my past? No! Nobody cares about what happened to you in your past. No one is going to focus on your past and the world is filled with much more horrendous monstrocities than your life, and your shrink wouldn't be helping you if he wasn't getting paid. No one is going to focus on your problems unless they get something in return, like a shrink gets paid money to do. And since you don't give in relationships, why would anyone even pretend to care?

You have to live with whatever baggage you decide to keep in life. You decide what baggage you have. Every day when we wake up we are reborn, and we decide what we will leave behind and what we will keep alive, today, and into tomorrow. Stop trying to convince people that you were wronged, because nobody cares and being a victim just sets the stage for being a victim in the future. You will fail if that is how you define yourself. For good or for bad, you are a self-fulfilling prophecy either way.

I would also highly recommend getting yourself a few mentors asap, people who can give you some guidance in life, the guidance your parents didn't give you. People in their 50's get mentors and go back to school. Get some socialization skills, by firstly going out and socializing. Have the humility and courage to seek out mentors who you can talk to - the best is free advice from older people who would actually love to guide you, not someone paid to pretend they care along with the fifty other clients to pretend they care about. You likely won't though. Most advice isn't taken at all and people fall rightback into their comfy safety nest and comfort zone. At some point you will learn all this stuff though. Your choice - either now at a young 18 or at 40, old and bitter and used up.

I hope what I am saying is making you feel uncomfortable, a slap in the face, because that is usually what is required for people to wake up. A slap with words is better than a slap of reality, as long as those words are taken seriously and acted upon. If not, be prepared for a lot of ugly life crises in your future. Regrets and wasted time is one of the worst things a human can experience.

What you have now, are life lessons that you can use to raise your own kids properly. Give your kids what you never had (guidance). Give them time and social functions instead of tv and video games.

You call yourself a "total fucking loser" and a "freak" and expect others to think differently? Here's a hint on life... sometimes you have to fake it to make it. Pretending you are something you are not changes you. Going out in public/party/school whatever, happy, smiling and confident as hell (instead of a depressed unhappy dead fish) attracts people to you instead of repelling them, even if you are faking it. You get more confident and it snowballs so that you actually become what you were originally "faking". Do you know how powerful a smile is? Go out in public with a slight smile on your face (fake it) and look at the responses you get from people. You are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Look up Karma, Self-fulfilling Prophecy, and Law of Attraction.

Everything you could possibly want is out there, you just have to find out how to get it. People can guide you, and there are a lot of people who will, but YOU have to do it yourself. If YOU don't do it, it'll never happen.

I was like you when I was 18. Life does have its moments. In my case 2 of them. I'm 30 now. I completely understand your fear of rejection. I overcame it. So can you. It's a spiritual thing, usually takes several years. Rejection doesn't even hurt much. I have been rejected thousands of times, and once you understand why people reject you (and most others), you don't take it personally anymore. I'm not afraid much anymore.

All that said, life is not worth living if you are like me. Killing youself also isn't worth it, but I'm ready to leave at any time.

Mine might not but yours is. You are still young and have everything to live for. Just because you are by yourself now doesn't mean it's going to be like that 5 or ten yrs from now. YOu will find love and "yourself" and be happy. I believe that, now you have to believe. It is not uncommon for young people to go through "growing pains". As for 17975, trust me, if more people lived that kind of life, the suicide rate would be really high. But this person has learned how to cope because that is all that's left to do. Who knows, one could commit suicide and still find themselves in the other world just as lonely and by themselves as they were in this world, so why bother. We're here, might as well live.

I used to wonder the same things. In fact I used to contemplate suicide quite often because I had such a miserable childhood/life. I too had no friends and if I was lucky enough to make a friend in school they'd get snatched away (move out of town, become friends with others, etc.). It was like some unwritten law that if ever I was to get close to someone they'd leave me - friends would move, my grandmother died when I got close to her, my father leaving me - I mean just total alienation all across the boards. My home life was a mess. I have a brother but felt like an only child. My parents were a mess. When they got divorced & my father wanted to punish us & hurt my mother he'd come & take us on one of his "required" visits. I remember he'd threaten to come & take us for 2 weeks and that he didn't want to do that but he would - nice father, right? Prior to his arrivals I'd get grilled on what all to say, what NOT to say, what to say if he says this, but make sure you don't say that, etc.etc.etc. When I got home I would get grilled again on what happened, what he said/asked me, what I said, etc. & if I said the wrong thing the disappointment on my mother's face and/or the yelling that I got afterwards was more upsetting than I could put into words. This went on for years, btw. the ages of 6-17 I guess.

Anyway, back to the not having any friends thing. Had no real friends to begin with & to make matters I was starting to have some hygiene issues & my hair was always messy (unbeknownst to me because I was a kid). I didn't realize it, but everyone else did and of course they didn't hesistate to tell me and make me feel horrible whenever the opportunity presented itself. My mother wouldn't wash my hair as often as it needed (I guess she was too preoccupied or depressed to deal with it because it took hours to do) so I got a really bad scalp condition which to my delight caught the attention of the popular kids in school, not really caring that they were talking about how nasty my head was, but just the fact that they noticed me (how pathetic was that?) In short I was totally dirty & had no self esteem. What did I have to have any self esteem about anyway. Life stank, I hated my parents for getting divorced & wrecking our lives, I also hated them (mainly my mother) for trying to brainwash me & grill me for my "visits" with my father & then punishing me when I told him something I wasn't supposed to, I hated him for how he treated her & us (he had an affair right around the corner from our house with the aunt of my friend next door), I had no brother and I felt totally alone.

I remember coming to a decision after watching my mother cry about my father one time. I swore that I'd never let any man treat me that way - ever! So I grew up to become even more disfunctional by keeping any potential boyfriend at arms length. If he would try to get too serious I would do something to make him want to break up with me. I didn't want to ever be vulnerable or let anyone get so close to me that they could hurt me. But the funny thing about putting up walls is that they don't work - you still get hurt.

Anyway, trying to make a long story short, I was totally depressed & having one of my many contemplations about suicide because I really did not see a purpose in living and felt that no one would care if I wasn't around anyway, I'd be less of a burden, I'd be out of my misery, etc.etc. Then I had a defining moment that changed my life. I was @ 13 & I had a dream. In the dream I was told to read Jeremiah (in the Bible). We had a Bible in the house but I wasn't sure if that was even a book in there but I woke up, found it & started reading. At first it was nothing but then I got to verse 4 which says "Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying. Before I formed you in the belly I knew you; and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you, and I ordained you a prophet to the nations." So I'm thinking at this point - What in the world is this?? You knew me before I was born...but what are you talking about, I'm just a kid...and then I read the next verse - "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold I cannot speak for I am a child" and at this point I'm freaking out because I was just thinking that so I kept reading. "But the LORD said to me, Say not, I am a child: for you shall go to all that I shall send you, and whatsoever I comman you you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces for I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD. Then the LORD put forth his hand and touched my mouth. And the LORD said to me, Behold, I have put my words in your mouth. See I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, to build and to plant." At that point I shut the book because I was scared to death! But I thought about that the rest of the day. It breathed some life into me and although I didn't change over night it gave me a secret hope that I maybe I wasn't a loser or a failure and maybe I could be somebody...

Anyway, life went on, I got older, even discovered one day that I was pretty. I eventually became very conceited with a vicious mean streak if provoked & basically kept my word of keeping people at arms length (side lesson - don't be too quick to judge people. You never know why they are the way they are...) and on the whole I was very lonely. I've made TONS of mistakes since my "defining moment" (drugs, abortions, thoughts of prostitution, etc.) but even with all of that I never forgot that dream. One day a friend of mine took me to church. I learned about Jesus, asked Him into my heart & to change my life, found a church that I liked and joined. From that point on my life was a roller coaster and God began to deal with me. Everything that I spent my whole life trying to run away from & bury deep down inside He made me go into my secret places & dig it all up & deal with it. He made me deal with my father which as an adult I did NOT want to do. I cried & begged but He just quietly reassured me that He'd be with me. So I called him & it was UGLY! He was yelling at me & was VERY mean to me on the phone & I felt like a vulnerable child all over again. I was able to get some things out and the closing of the conversation was actually civil. I'll never forget the moment that I hung up the phone because it felt like someone had just pulled the plug in my heart and all of the pent up feelings & pains that I had which stemmed from him were just drained out - like you pull the plug in a bathtub only the draining was a lot faster. God has literally put my life back together, healed (& is still healing) all of the broken areas of my life...and not only that...that dream that I had, I can see it now and it has & continues to come to pass. I have become that person that God said I was all those years ago and I'm still growing & maturing in it. I can see now looking back that everything that I went through was for a purpose - to help someone else along the way & to give them encouragement so they'd know that they're not alone. That I do understand because I overcame my past & so can you. I even see it as a lesson when raising my own children...it's helped to shape what kind of parent I am & it keeps me striving to be a better one than the ones that I had, to have healthy relationships with my kids and my husband (their father) not only because it's right but for their sakes. So that they can see what a marriage is supposed to look like & what it could be. I not only overcame it but I rose SO high above it...higher than I ever imagined. I still remember all of the pain, but whenever I hear my maiden name it's like I'm hearing about somebody else because that person is dead. I am a brand new person and the scars of my past have only made me stronger. I can see now how going through all the pain that I did shaped me into who I am now. I can't tell you how many people that have been helped/encouraged along the way just because of my own personal experiences. And what's even better is that even though I went through all of what I did, I'm not darkened by it anymore. If you knew me now you'd NEVER in a million years know all that I went through!

You know what else...I STILL don't have a ton of friends - hahaha. I can count my real friends on 1 hand & still have fingers left. But I've learned that you don't need a whole bunch of friends and the people who are able to walk out of your life, you don't need them anyway because they weren't the real thing to begin with. And the ones that I do have are priceless & make up for all the rest that I never had & still don't have - they're everything that I'd ever want or need in a friendship and that's fine with me. I still get lonely sometimes, but I know that God made me this way for a reason. I'm a friendly person and people generally like me but I've never had a group of friends & never fit into any "clicks". I'm learning to be at peace with that as well. I'm only beginning to understand the reason why things are the way they are. The big picture only gets unfolded to me a little bit at a time but it all goes back to that dream that I had that night so slowly but surely it's all coming together.

The point to my "novel" is this. You never know why you're going through what you go through and how it all fits into the grand scheme of things. But don't EVER think that your life is not worth living because it's not all you wish it could be right now. Your life has a purpose even if you can't see it yet. Don't wait around for confirmation from people about whether or not you matter - that's not for them to determine. You are in charge of your life & I like what one of the other posters basically said about how you are in charge of your destiny. I never would've known that there was a reason why I was going through all I went through had I not decided to live a little while longer. And let me tell you, life is SOOO much better & sweeter now. Your whole life is not in this moment. This is just a season that you're going through. You have SO many potentially wonderful years ahead of you & your life can make such a drastic turnaround in a moment! You can do whatever you set your mind to doing & you can become whatever you want in life. Your past does not have to determine your future (or your present for that matter) and society cannot dictate what all you become, only you can do that. In fact what a great slap in the face it would be if inspite of everything you've gone through you still turned out to be a great success in life.

But again, everything that you've gone through IS for a reason, even if you can't see it right now so don't give up...life IS worth living. You never know, someone may need to hear your story one day. :-)

God Bless.

Hehe.....
my old post makes me laugh
written by my "ego"
might I add...=)
Oh boy...was I mad..

Even the name
just insane....=)

LOL