Need Insight 
#36807
19 y
2,586
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Warning: this is long! I am in a relationship where I am having some difficulty defining some issues. I hope I can make this make sense! I have been dating this man for a year in August. So almost a year and a half. He is divorced and has two children. When I met him he had been divorced almost two years. His wife left him for another man while he was over seas in the Army, they were married ten years. I was the first woman he dated since the divorce. He said he had sex with a woman from work the first month he was divorced, but they didn't date. We started dating and four months into the realtionship an old boyfriend who I had broke up with six months before came back into the picture. I told the man I am seeing now that I needed to see this other man to make sure that I was doing the right thing. He took this really hard and I felt like I was being up front. We had not been saying "I love yous" so the relationship was not to that point yet. Needless to say I realized the old boyfriend was all wrong for me and cut that relationship off for good. The man I am dating now stood by my side while I was making this decision and that is one of the main reasons I wanted to be with him because I felt that if he stayed around while I was clearing my head that said a lot about him. Well, we were only broke up a month and got back together and that was in April. After we got back together he then said now he felt like he couldn't trust me and wanted to slow down. We are still at that point seven months later. He won't tell me that he loves me and the only time he ever has is when I told him I needed time back in March to work out my feelings. If I ask him if he does, he just gets frustrated with me and says stuff like "why do you think I'm around?". We are only seeing each other and he calls me several times a day and we see each other when ever possible. I have also never met his children or family. His children live out of state and he only gets them three times a year. He says I've never met his family because his father will drive me nuts with questions about my life and it would embarrass him. I have the feeling he resents his father. I have been to his parents house when they are out of town before since he stays at thier house on the weekends so I know he's not leading a double life. Also I can reach him at any time and he stays at my house for days at a time, or I go to his. I am just having trouble with him not telling me he loves me. I need that! He always tells me how he always gave his wife flowers and gifts and how it was a one sided relationship, he was more in love with her. He bought me flowers once when we were broke up. He didn't even get me a card for my birthday. When I try to break it off he tells me that I am not giving him time and I am making a big mistake. He said he is not going to say I love you to someone until he gets married because he said any one can say it and no one takes it for real any more. I do agree, but I am at that point, I have been for a long time but he keeps me from telling my feelings because he doesn't offer his! I am so frustrated that I am about to end it. His children are down right now and he is staying at his parents and he hasn't even made plans to see me for Thanksgiving. They live 15 minutes away. I want a mate to spend holidays with and such. I have a six year old daughter and I don't see why he never invites us to go along with him and his sons. I invited him to my daughters birthday party last week and he came. His boys were down for eight weeks this summer and went to the water parks all the time and never once did he invite us. He took the boys bowling tonite and I don't see any reason why we couldn't have gone. He calls me while he is there and I want to say something so bad, but it would start a big issue. I want to say "you can call me but you can't take me?" I am just dying inside. Part of me tells myself it is time to cut the ties and get over it. I feel like it's been long enough for him to deal with his feelings. This is my life too and I have stuck by his side as well, seven months compared to his one! Besides this issue we get along great. I am so confused!
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- Re: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,472
This is a reply to # 669,535hey #36807
I'm sorry to hear about your man troubles. I been having some
of my own well of late (roller coaster since we met late March 05).
I'm not so sure how long you been trying with this man but from
what I read it appears like you've been pretty, very patient with
him. I think you may have made a mistake in the very beginning
(sorry don't want to hurt of offend only mentioning it for your
future ref) when you had the other man you couldn't quite forget,
or let go of. It might of hurt this man and perhaps he got scared
from it or something. But still it seems like you've pretty well
made it up to him since then, so he should be making lots more of an
effort to please you and make you happy. It seems he still (possibly)
to trying (or just is) punishing you (maybe?). I don't know for sure -
I'm just theroizing here. He's had plenty of time to get over it.
He is not including you and your kids and this is not right of him.
This would be my suggestion to you. Give him an altimative - tell him
to start including you immediately or it's over, you're done with him,
for good this time. Be strong. You deserve better treatment. You can
find a better man to treat you and your kids much better. Please don't
waste any more time on this man who can't be man enough to treat you
and you kids right and include you with him, his kids and his other family.
You and your kids deserve much more happiness then he can give you.
God bless you all. Say a prayer for me to. thanks. If you don't leave
him, you are just prolonging your agony. I try telling myself this to -
it doesn't always work. I'm a weak person. Hopefully you are much stronger.
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- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,394
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
This is a reply to # 669,536Hi 40855, I'm sorry about your man troubles too. Relationships are hard!! I have always been the one to bend over backwards to make it work. I have been in three long term relationships, married twice, and I have had to end them all. This is the fourth one. I tend to be too nice and they end up taking advantage of me then I get sick of thier crap and leave. Then they cry about wanting to make it work and I just say, why couldn't you make it work while we were together? Ughhh! I just loose respect for them not treating me right. Why does it always have to be a game? Maybe I am just choosing the wrong mates. I've been thinking maybe if I was a little more tough on them I might be able to get some respect. I will say a prayer for you as well. Hope you are having a great Thanksgiving!- replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,223
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
This is a reply to # 669,542Hi again sslea, Thanks for your reply. You're life sounds like mine. I've been married twice also and divorced twice. And I'm also way to nice in relationships. I think you got a point maybe about being to nice to men. They don't appreciated it - they are not greatful - not in the least. Nice girls finish last also. So I wanted to tell you that I can really relate to your situation allot. Anyways, I was thinking about your particular man problem today and I was thinking perhaps I should have just strongly suggested for you to just cut it off immediately and forget him. It seems like you've given him plenty of time already and he doesn't appear to be changing for the better. After my 2nd husband abandoned me and my boys (boys from my 1st marriage) and I had myself a new boyfriend over the summer and my husband was in tears wanting me back. So I broke up with that boyfriend and returned to my husband (still living separately). Well after that he never included me & my 2 boys to go with him to his families 5-6 hours north of here again. For the next several years I had an off again, on again relationship and I always hoped he would eventually include me and/or me and my kids but he finally admitted "it will never happen" and soon after that I broke up with him for good. And I lost any morsel of a feeling of love I ever did have with the man. And at one time (for years even) I was crazy in love with him, or so I thought I was. But when a man takes you on a ride down the incline railroad of pain and heartache when you get to the end of the line there is no love left at all. If you don't live with this man well I was advised by a very wise woman friend once to be kind of out there (on the internet perhaps) looking for someone new, if you know the relationship you are in is in trouble. The more I think about it, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea. If the man is the one hurting us then perhaps it shouldn't be considered such a wrong (or cheating) thing to do.- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,312
This is a reply to # 669,553HI 40885! You know, I think it is just the world we live in. I don't want to say all men are that way, but the majority are. I don't know if it's that they think they have you so they take you for granted or they plain don't know how to communicate. That goes for just about anyone in general these days actually, women as well! I was thinking last night and I have actually thought this several times, that maybe women like us tend to get ourselves too involved too soon and get attached instead of getting to know the person first and then cut the ties if the red flags start coming up. I think my problem is, and I derived it from invincible, that I don't have enough confidence in myself to not put up with certian issues that most women would probally run from. It's just my loyal nature to stick by someone. I need to find balance and realize that my feelings are just as important. I have always been patient and tried to think of the other person even when they didn't think about my feelings. I would make excuses like "they'll come around" etc, etc. Well I am going to try to get out of that pattren. It's better to be alone than be with someone that makes us miserable and leave our lives open to find someone more compatable. There is even a song about that, how two is the lonliest when the other person is there physically but not emotionally. I don't like dating and tend to grab on to a guy that I am attracted to physically and try to make it work, and that is why it doesn't, because you can't change someone and they have to want what you want as well. I felt the same way about my first ex as you described about your love for your ex. I tell every one he destroyed my love with his animosity. Once I get enough, I am DONE. There was a time I would have done any thing for that man. I am getting to that point with my current bf. A person can only take so much rejection and hurt.
I am just going to go day by day and keep my eyes open. I don't know your situation right now, but I wish you the best! Keep in touch.- Re: replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,324
This is a reply to # 669,556Note I think I've been messing up I wrote a message to you prior to this one - did you by chance get it? If not could you read through some of the other messages by me (the message was to you anyways). This is the 2nd part to it: Oh sslea, sorry I made a typo mistake in one of my messages, I meant to say - Your boyfriend, he isn't making love to U that instead he is f--king U (he is just screwing U). He isn't giving you affection, carresses, holds, kissing during the lovemaking session) or at least that the way you describe it. And if he isn't being passionate then he's not making love to you. He is in essense degrading you. I think he's the kind of man who hates women in general. And he shouldn't base his feelings for you on the way his X-wife, or how other women, treated him either. And if he does, he is just so narrow minded. He can't grow up. He can't learn any lessens. He is caught in a web of bitterness and he is making you pay for it. He's kind of even punishing your girls along with you since they are female also. He already made a socalled "slur" against female in general. Can't you see that you need to get away from this kind of man who has a very, very fatal flaw. Don't feel sorry for him. Oh about one of your other messages. You are right and I've made the exact same mistake in all my relationships. Why I hoped into bed right off the bat with the man without getting to know them first. I should have dated them awhile and made them wait for sex. I should have controlled myself and made myself wait and not gone home with them on the very 1st date like I did this past boyfriend and even the one before that, and the one before that even, and the one before that even. I am so stupid. Yes, you are so right sslea, about getting to know them first for like 6-8 weeks maybe even. That way you get to know all about them and see if they would be compatible with you in almost every sense of the word. I could of saved myself so much grief if I would only have done this - get to know the guy first - maybe email allot first or just date without any going to his place - without any risk of even beginning to have sex. And I'm like you to, I'm way to nice to men and you're so right, men don't appreciate this at all. They aren't greatful. I think nice girls finish last also. I think men prefer bitches. Women who play hard to get - well they get way more good results from men then we nice, easy women do. So I can really relate to all you say. Well let you go for now - my son is wanting something. You take care. And try to break-up and look for a good guy for yourself if possible. And take your girls out for a fun activity.
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,244
This is a reply to # 669,573Hi there! Well, I have made the mistake quite a few times my self, getting involved intimately too soon. I have never had a problem keeping a man, but getting treated right, I have. I think it all goes by the way you start out the relationship. If you jump into bed, you didn't get to learn all about that person and why do they have to go any deeper into you as a person? Then us as women start getting attached and it's too late to turn back! Sometimes any way. Men want to be with a woman that is strong and has confidence and respect for themselves. I am being weak by letting my bf continue to hold his past relationship against me. I don't think it's wrong for me to feel like it's time for him to move on. But, I need to handle it in a sensitive way since he has been through a hard time. That is why I don't think it's a bad idea for me to tell him we both need a time-out to sit down and evaluate this realtionship. I know one thing for sure, if we break up, I am going to go slow the next time I start dating again!
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,354
This is a reply to # 669,579Hi again Sslea, It's so nice to hear from you. You said you go for really good looking guys - correct? And it sounds like your bf fits this picture. Well, when I was much younger I tended to look at looks allot more. But in recent years since I've been in my mid to later 40's I've more looked at a combination of assets about a man. Like for instance a good combination of cute & interesting looks, intelligence, personality, sense of humor and educational background. My bf pretty well has all these save for the thing about the money which could very well be considered one of the fatal flaws. But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and think of it more like he's afraid to spend his money rather then that he is very selfish. At least I'm hoping that is the true case of things. I'm only the 2nd woman my bf has ever had believe it or not. He is very quiet (the shy type) except I can get him talking just fine. Me and him we have great conversations together. He is one of the most sweet and pleasant persons I've ever had the pleasure of meeting - well save (except) for him not wanting to spend any money that is. lol (not really very funny) :( anyways getting back to you girlfriend - Did you ever perhaps think of going for a more nerdy type man like a couple of those really cute, intelligent looking but nerdy movie stars - you know that kind of look - the slim, masculine look - not the real medium or large muscular look on a man. My bf is only like 5'6" or 5'8" (to me he seems like he's more 5'8" yet he says he's 5'6"). But to me he's just adorable. He's just divinely proportioned in his face and his body. He's slim and masculine and he's got those beautiful slavik features, beautiful shaped eyes not to mention his eyes are beautiful blue also. He's body is just so damn sexy. We may hardly ever go out on dates but I just love to just hang out with him no matter if we are in his room, or downstairs watching tv or in his lab working on his paper. I mean these really good looking type men it seems like other women are always wanting them. And the more nerdy, intelligent types with the cute/adorable faces underneath the glasses and the slim/masculine bodies - they are the real sex pots - the real sexy dudes. Oh and I noticed you feeling sorry for your officer of the law again. Now how long you been putting up with his BS? Has it been a year? Has it been over a year? I was thinking you or this other woman that gave you advice said 1.5 years and if that's true you need to drop him like a hot potatoe. I'd say even if it's been going on for 6 months it's been to long. If you really love this guy that much ask him if he'd be willing to go for couples' counseling. And if he isn't willing and if he makes no progress towards change for the better and very soon - for your own sake and your girls please leave him. You seem so nice and so loving. Don't you think you deserve so much more? Do you mind if I ask how old you are? If you attract these real goodlooking men just how pretty or beautiful are you if you don't mind my asking - do you got a pic online anywhere I could view and that way I could better let you know what kind of guy I think would suit you and the kind of guy you could get and that you should go for? Sorry if I ask for to much sslea. Take care and God Bless you and your 2 girls. The thing that really worries me is that in the long run since he apparently has something against women, he might potentional, maybe abuse your girls in some way, shape or fashion. Girlfriend you deserve a man who will hold you and cuddle with you and kiss you and make sweet, beautiful love with you.
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,327
This is a reply to # 669,585Hi,
Thank you sooo very much for your reply.
It happened twice once in June and once in August. He said it was just "sex" nothing more nothing less. I want so badly to believe him, but understandable that is difficult to do right now. I know it was partially my fault. I cry alot and he holds me alot. I'm NOT going to leave him, I do love him with all my heart and soul even after the fact. In the past 5 days (since I found out) our relationship has improved 100%! I know that may sound odd and believe me it feels odd.
Him and I have been through so much in 11 years. The death of a child (which also made us stronger)all the abuse I was getting from the parents, shit runs down hill so he caught his fair share of it too. It's been a very rocky road, we are blessed with a beautiful young teenage daughter (whom I would NEVER keep from him in the event things didn't work out)
he says it will take time for us to heal. I know he's right but all I want is to go back in time and changeit so it didn't happen. I know I can't so I must move forward. We are going to go to marriage couseling (his idea) just to give me the extra help I need to get through this. He really is a great man, that's why I'm having such a hard time understanding how it could of happened in the first place. Maybe, your right it may turn out to be the one of the best things that ever happened to us. It's so hard not to take your spouse for granted, we all get caught up in our own little worlds and sometimes forget we are not REALLY alone in them.
Thanks again for replying.- yes I got your email #40885
19 y
2,292
This is a reply to # 669,589hi sslea, yes, I got your email but I got allot of stuff I've put on the back burner that I need to catch up on. So I need to start working on some things online. I need to find a way to make some money asap since my business crashed in Jan of this year and me & my son have been broke a huge % of this year with not even pocket change for spending money. It's been very difficult for us since we are at least use to having a little bit of spending money every day to go out for coffee/tea at least. Oh you took off my message. What bothered you about my message? What did I say that was so wrong if you don't mind my asking? I'm sorry I didn't understand how this system worked. I got another one of my messages back and I thought I posted it wrong and I'm afraid I posted one of my other messages to you again (sorry). I hadn't realized you had taken it off. What was so bad about my post? Well I've told you what I think you should do and now the decision is up to you. It doesn't look like you are leaning towards leaving this guy - how unfortunate for you and your daughters. I don't want to go around in circles with this. I mainly wanted some advice on this site and I'm afraid I didn't really get much advice about my particular situation. So I kind of came to my own conclusion and have made my own decision. Please don't take any offense sslea but we can conclude our correspondence. I need to work on my life and figure out how to make some success out of myself. Oh I wanted to mention that you do sound quite petite and youthful looking. Don't sell yourself short! All kinds of great (and good) men (and even men with money) out there online looking for a real dish of a pretty young woman like yourself. There's no need for you to settle for less. Please, I beg you don't let that officer of yours ever read any of my messages. That's all I would need is some officer of the law out to get me. I'm sure you would not do such a thing. I'm thinking this site is secure and no one knows my real identity or my real email (hopefully). It was nice corresponding with you. I'd love to hear back from you one last response to this message please. Thank you.
- oh sslea, I'm so sorry about my last... #40885
19 y
2,348
This is a reply to # 669,589Hi my friend, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be unkind. Actually you write me all you like. Sometimes it might take me longer to get back to you since I really got to buckle down with trying to think of ways to make some doe (is that the right way to spell another way for money?). I would have written directly to your email but I've said some bad things about you bf and if you have my email well I certainly don't want him to get ahold of my email, or my name. And you asked me where I live well I'm even scared to tell you exactly that now. I'll tell you this much from good ol Southern Illinois. Now he (your bf) doesn't know you ask for help about your relationship or about this site does he? Sorry I guess I'm just paranoid. And I am genuinely interested and would love to know how you and your little family are getting along. And also if you were able to make any progress with him (bf). So again I'm sorry before when I was telling you I didn't have the time in so many words. I will make the time because I am interested - not to mention curious and also I happen to care about you and your daughters allot. Just please be patient with me because sometimes it may take me days or a week to reply back to you.
- Re: oh sslea, I'm so sorry about my ... sslea
19 y
2,241
This is a reply to # 669,591Hi there. Actually, I don't have your email address, I emailed you from the link by your name that says send email. I just sent it off the forum for more privacy. No, my bf doesn't have any idea about me posting. No worries! I don't have my computer hooked up at home, so he has no way of reading anything. I correspond from my office. Even if I did have it hooked up at home, he doesn't live with me. I hope your situation works out for you as well. Money is a touchy subject between couples, but it sounds like to me he is just afraid to spend it due to his background that you mentioned. Maybe when he feels more secure financially, he will be more giving. It sounds like the rest of your relationship is going good though. I am a very affectionate person, and it seems that I am not going to get affection from my current bf like I want. I am not sure if I am leaving the realtionship or not. I told him yesterday that I want to be with someone who is "IN" love with me and shows it! He told me I was being silly of course and that "why do you think I am with you" again, and "do I have to say it for you to realize it?" (yes! duh!) I don't think I can live my life with out affection in the quantities that I crave and do not get.
I hope everything is going well for you! Have a great holiday season!- hey girlfriend sslea wishing you hap... #40885
19 y
2,432
This is a reply to # 669,608hey girlfriend, thanks for your message, I really enjoyed reading it - do you mind awfully much if I don't punctuaate or use correct grammer cause it's faster for me that way (sorry), and I really love to type my messages like this. when I broke up that Sunday with my bf and missed him so much and was so happy when he took me back without no trouble at all - it seems like when we have a "fight" and make-up I come back loving him even more, if that were possible, I do wish he seemed more generous but perhaps it is cause he just isn't working right now just doesn't want to spend anymore of his savings then possible. And I got to thinking about what is really important to me and that is all the glorious kisses, holds, cuddles, affection and most heavening making love sessions that I get from him. Not only that but I just love my friendship I have with him. We easily communicate together. I really enjoy every minute I spend with him and I love talking with him and listening to him - conversing with him. So I got to thinking about the lack of dating and I got to realizing that right now it isn't really that important and perhaps it never will be what is important. And this is because I just really love to hang around with my bf no matter where we are. I feel so blessed. Oh by the way he's 13 years younger then I am. And another then I thought of was all the free things I can actually get like online like gift cards and free little suprises I could do. I have quite an imagination. I have some really wonderful romantic little suprises in store for him (for us) and I'm really excited about them - that's if I'm able to put them together. I'm sure some of them won't be a problem. Like private candlelight dinners, with music and slow dancing. I can't tell you how fortunate I feel. My mom passed away this past July and how I wish she could have lived just 1 more year so she could have met him. He is so sweet and pleasant - not to meantion adorable. My bf has got to be one of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life. OK I'm sorry I'm not getting to you now. I think I will just need to keep telling you over and over and keep supporting you. the way you are describing your needs I don't think you will ever be happy with your bf - because he just isn't listening to you - he doesn't seem to want to listen to you or hear you - he is sweeping all you say under the rug. sweetheart you might have to face the fact that he's not going to change colors for you and fit into the mold you want him to - he's the way he is and that's that. and it's a shame because you seem to be willing to bend plenty and give plenty to him and it will be his loss in the end - you see he doesn't seem to be in the least fear of losing you at all. perhaps it's time you give him a little bit to be afraid about - perhaps if you back off a bit from him - act hard to get - if he wants sex say you have a headache, that you're not feeling up to it - perhaps you need to play some games just to get him julted a bit - he might be just the kind of man a woman has to play a couple games with to get him straight again. I'm not one to usually believe in games but drastic measures call for drastic actions or something like that (Karate Kid - Mr Miogi says to Daniel Son) lol. you deseave a loving man who will give you all the love and affection you deserve and you sound very pretty with a really in shape cute little body - I mean there's lots of handsome men out there who would treat you the right way. don't sell your self short - you would not be lonely for long - believe me - hey I'm 47 and I landed a very cute, hot stuff (nice slim masculine body) foreign sweetheart, loving guy even younger then me) so if I can do that - you being way younger and like you said looking like you are in your 20's - just look what you could get and you could get a fine, goodlooking man who's educated. look this officer of the law I mean really - ask your self if you could do better? you know you could - don't you and you seem like a real together type, intelligent gal to so you got a good combo of intellect and looks to - right girlfriend?
- hey girlfriend sslea wishing you hap... #40885
19 y
2,432
- Re: oh sslea, I'm so sorry about my ... sslea
19 y
2,241
- yes I got your email #40885
19 y
2,292
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,327
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,354
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,244
- a few more words of wisedome for Nee... #40885
19 y
2,337
This is a reply to # 669,556Hey Sslea, my friend - now with your above email you've most certainly hit the hammer right perfect on the nail, I must say. I couldn't of said it better myself. You my dear have said it all and so perfectly. I can really, really relate to everything, every word you've just said. I just hope you get out of your bad relationship and find the kind of good, loving and affectionate guy that you really deserve and also the kind of guy who loves children and who will be a great dad to your girls also. As for my relationship, I think it's worth giving it some more time to see what happens. I love him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he has experience extreme poverty in the country he's from and perhaps that's why he is so afraid to spend money foolishly and he can't see spending it friviosly (can't spell). You and your girls take care. Keep in touch. Oh my son who is 25 lives with me. He's like an angel from heaven. He's great. And I've an older son who's 3 years older then my younger son.
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,324
- Re: replying back to: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,312
- replying back to: Need Insight #40885
19 y
2,223
- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,394
- Re: Need Insight Invincible
19 y
2,419
R
- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
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This is a reply to # 669,541Wow! You made me tear up! He did get hurt very badly. He takes relationships very seriously, as I do as well, but I have never seen anyone this tough to get through to! I know he cares and loves me to an extent, but I want to feel it. He won't even hold my hand! When we have sex, and we have great sex, I have to ask him to kiss me. I have to make all the romantic gestures and when I bring it up he just give me this "do I have to" sigh, and then jokingly does it. I don't want to have to coach some guy to show me he loves me.
You were saying about the part where he was very romantic with his wife, I asked him why he never did that for me and he told me one day when he brought her home a rose she said to him "this is getting kind of old" and that comment just killed it right there. He also said she slept with three different men during their marriage, and he was faithful the whole time because marriage ment something to him. I have totally stuck by his side. I think I have held my feelings in soooo long that I am getting bitter. I know I made a mistake in the beginning for letting that other man, who by the way, was just full of words and was just jealous, back into my life. I think that reminded him of his wife. At the beginning I was a little jaded myself and didn't know what a sweet guy that I had. He is a police officer and tries to act like nothing gets to him so when he never acted out his feelings or verbalized them I just assumed we were dating and didn't see anything wrong with letting him know I wanted to make sure I was going in the right direction.
Every time I tell him how I feel he just says, "maybe I'm just a bitter bastard". So, you think I should stick it out and see what happens? I am getting tired of spending my holidays alone and special occasions because he won't include me with his kids. He also makes comments about my daughter, like "I am glad I have boys." It's like he's taking out his anger on me for what she did. OH! And last week she (the ex) told him she made a mistake and wants him back! She is remarried with a new baby! The man she left him for! He has been even nicer to me since then. I guess that is his way to reassure me. lol He told me why go back to vanilla ice cream when I have all flavors! lol That is his way to compliment.- Re: Need Insight Invincible
19 y
2,260
- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
2,260
This is a reply to # 669,544You have given me a new perspective. I am a hopeless romantic and I feel like I give and give and I never get back the same. My first husband constantly put me down and verbally abused me. He would litterally tell me that I wasn't as smart as he since I didn't finish college. Just pop things out like that at dinner. He would tell me that I would have the perfect body if I would just loose five pounds. When his day didn't go right he would get home and call me "bitch", say "f-y" and other worse names. Every day!! I was with him for six years. His own mother and brother told me to leave him. They don't even keep in touch with him. My second relationship I was engaged and he died in a car wreck. My third I met six months after the death of my fiance and kind of fell into it from being so broken hearted from the death. He made my first husband look like an angel. He tried to beat me and cursed at me continuosly. He didn't show his true colors until after we married. He even burned my pictures of my dead fiance' and cut up my furniture with an ax! That is when I left him. His ex wife told me she wanted to tell me how he was, but didn't want to interfere. She had a restraining order on him. I almost had to get one during the divorce. We were only married three months. Boy all of that mess! No wonder I just want to be loved!
I just wanted you to know all of that because I didn't just walk out because I didn't feel loved. There was a lot more to it.
My mother was very hard on me growing up. I think that is why I feel the need to prove my self to men and get attention. My father tried to stand up for me but my mother would threaten him with divorce if he tried to take my side. Who knows why I am so screwed up.
So any way here I am in my mid thirties wanting to find a life partner and I am just trying to make sure I am not wasting my time. Ya know? I'm trying to learn from life lessons, and the main one I seem to be learning is that you cannot change someone. That is why I am wondering if this man will ever come around. I don't want to waste another three to six years when I should be focusing on my self and my daughter not trying to make someone be the way I want them to be.
I just found a neat church that I am going to start going to. My bf works on Sundays, plus he lives an hour away so he can't go with me, but I'm wondering if he even would if he lived here. It's mainly the holidays that get me down because I have been alone for five years on the holidays and I feel like I am still a teenager with out a life.
I'm sorry that I keep getting off subject, but this brings out more than just our relationship because I have a lot to deal with too, and it's like he's the only one who ever got hurt.
I am going to take your advice and check out that book. I think I have heard of it before. Thank you for all of your understanding, it definately helped make a difference in my life. I just need to figure out were to start! lol- Re: Need Insight h0ppy
19 y
2,439
This is a reply to # 669,545Wow hon, you've been through a lot! I too am a hopeless romantic, so you have my deepest sympathies.
Ok. Your current boyfriend obviously had his heart shattered. He gave her all of him, so it's going to take a while for him to recover. However, you mentioned earlier how she is wanting him back and that he's been treating you better. So from a guy's perspective, I think he's happy/fullfilled to hear that she's come to her senses and realized what a big mistake she made. This doesn't mean he'll jump right back in the boat with her, but perhaps it will put his mind a ease a bit, so he's not always kicking himself in the foot wondering, 'what did I do wrong, what did I do to deserve this' type stuff. So in a way, she's getting a taste of her own medicine. I'm not trying to say revenge is great, but sometimes it just feels good to know that they know what it's like to be in your shoes.
So my advice would be not to bail out on him just yet. His ex-wife did a number on him, and time and love can really only heal. Like Invincible said, just shower him with affection, and hopefully all the pain and suffering he went through, will be replaced by you and your love for him.
Best wishes
- Made a mistake! sslea
19 y
2,367
This is a reply to # 669,547Hi H0ppy! Yes, it did help him a lot once he heard that she felt she made a mistake. He said at first it made him angry. I TOLD him that it would happen eventually. I told him he was angry because she left him without warning and took his family away and now she's sorry. He said it was that way throughout their marriage. He litterally caught her in bed with two of the men she cheated with. She would just say "I'm sorry, I just wanted to see what it was like with another man."!!!
Well, I made a mistake tonite. He called and I got emotional and asked him why he didn't ever include my daughter and I and he told me that he wanted to focus on his boys since he didn't get to see them but a few times a year. He acted like I was being selfish. I told him I just wanted us to spend time together as a couple and take our kids to do something together. I also told him that how are we going to be together when every time his kids come down he isolates them and himself from me. So needless to say we got into an argument. We are supposed to see each other later tonite, but I am thinking about telling him we need a break. I am getting way too emotional and I can't seem to get control of my self. I feel like we've been together so long and we should be moving forward not backwards. I want to try the showering him with affection thing, but it is kind of hard when you get pushed away when you do it. It just kills me. I am such an emotional being. Why do I have to be like this? I told him the other day I wish I could control my emotions like he does. I am also old fashioned in the sense the girl shouldn't chase the guy. Thanks for your support! Have a good evening.
Expand 18 messages, 21 to 38 of 38 h0ppy
19 y
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- Made a mistake! sslea
19 y
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- Re: Need Insight h0ppy
19 y
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- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
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- Re: Need Insight Invincible
19 y
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- Re: Need Insight sslea
19 y
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- Re: Need Insight #40885
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