Washington, D.C. (August 11): The White House today confirmed that its most recent marketing strategy has shifted “all policy decisions” to third grade boys. The administration stopped using Orwell “months ago,” because “with the exception of Mr. Ed, Bush wasn’t convinced that farm animals could talk.” Karl Rove stated that basing policy decisions on Machiavellian techniques are no longer used on a daily basis, because they are “too complicated for what’s-his-name.”

The Bush administration searched for a focus group that would be able to articulate the core beliefs of the Republican Party. White House sources revealed that the group of spoiled, rich eight-year-old boys was a natural choice. The boys are completely concerned with their own immediate pleasure and that of their friends. Rove added, “We needed people who had no sense of remorse, and who weren’t too good at math.”

Rove confirmed that these boys assist in formulating policy as well making excuses to protect the President. The third graders first assignment was to develop an economic plan that would make themselves richer and reward the campaign donors. The difficult part was to come up with a name “that makes our agenda seem caring.” Chad, the son of an oil company executive, got to eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast, after coming up with the title “growth and jobs.”

Rejecting the Kyoto global warming treaty was “really the boy’s idea.” The children decided if they could make it “hot outside all the time,” they would be on summer vacation from school year round. Repealing the other environmental protections was relatively straight forward after that. The third graders said that people could always go to the playground to get fresh air, and that if people wanted to look at trees they could go on vacation or move to some place “where there are hillbillies who don’t know how to play video games.”

Justin, whose mother is in the middle of a divorce with a bank president, named the environmental legislation, “Clear Skies.” Justin explained that he uses the same techniques at home to get whatever he wants. “If I want to trick my sister into eating a booger, I tell her it’s chocolate.”

Rove confirmed that the 3rd graders were also responsible for starting the war in Iraq, because “these boys just wanted to see things get blown up.” According to The White House getting “lots of oil” was just a bonus. However, Karl Rove stated that Bush’s suggestion to try to link the Iraq war to terrorists “was a bad idea, and that this was the first and last time I’m going to listen to him.”