God, it's almost time to choose another Dwarf. This was remarkably quick, actually, despite the torture experiences of last night and the night before. The nighttime has seemed to be particularly bad for me. My emotional agony has started around 10 p.m. The grocery stores close at midnight, and I have lain there panicking at the fact that if I decide to break the fast prematurely and don't manage to decide to do so in time, I will be forced to wait until 6 am, when the stores open, to get the food. It is awful. I really need to figure out how to take care of myself emotionally so I am not teetering on the edge of abandoning the fast every single night. I feel that fasting may be something that I can just get used to doing, so it is not such psychological torture but something I am just acclimated to.
I have to say I feel a bit /rather better this morning. I have slept all the way until 6/6:30 am, a long time for me! I have slept through the usual involuntary 4-am wakeup. This could be because I am just so tired from waking at 4 am and not really going back to sleep the whole day for the past few days. But I choose to believe it is because I am getting healthier. I am actually semi-ambulatory and have just now not only gotten up to go to the bathroom but also made it down to the bottom of the driveway to retrieve my New York Times.
There are a couple of exciting items to keep me quite busy today. OK,I have already forgotten what one of them was; but the other has to do with diapers. I just have to post this -- sorry. I am so incredibly tired of being so incredibly miserable lying in bed for hours having to urinate and being unable to get up to go to the bathroom that I am going to get some disposable diapers and some wipes and put a plastic garbage bag by but not too near the bed and ... make use of these items. I won't lie there wearing wet ones ; I won't urinate actually lying down in bed (suppose they leaked...what a nightmare); I will get up out of bed when the time comes and I will remove them immediately and use wipes immediately -- and maybe even be motivated by that necessary activity to dispose of the whole mess immediately in the bathroom garbage or even the outside garbage, thus apparently defeating the purpose of getting the diapers in the first place since their function would be to obviate trips to the bathroom -- but still it would be more comfortable to have them on so that I could relieve myself immediately and not only after the monumental effort of walking across the hall. It would be psychologically so much more comfortable just to have them on. it is funny that I am capable of going to the store but it is harder to go to the bathroom -- or, rather, the thing is I am afraid of getting detox-sick again before too long and just want to prepare for this. The only possible disadvantage to diapers would be they might make me drink more water since they would let me avoid bathroom trips. I want to guzzle water sometimes. Of course when i drink water I fantasize that it is something else, like ... well, if I am feeling well, the water becomes , like, ultra-rich hot chocolate made with heavy cream and with, like, frosting on top. But sometimes I am too ill to imagine anything like that without getting REALLY ill -- so the water just becomes water with a little lemon-juice and Stevia. In either case, I can get intense with the fantasy and drink a lot and then get sick from the excess water. i DON'T want this. .. Also the use of diapers seems really decadent and artificial. But I am going to get them anyway. I do think that the knowledge that I will get ill will motivate me not to overdo the water, even if I will not also suffer the consequence of having to go to the bathroom sooner/more intensely after drinking a lot of it.
Well, thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Sorry to gross everybody out. I feel it is good for me to expose my addiction this way, and especially with the food fantasizing. I really am interested in discussing these things because these are the things I need healing from. I need to detach myself from food in life -- I have made a fetish and a security blanket and a God of it. It is killing me and killing my soul. So I am not trying to be gross -- I am really serious.
I also wish I had a little go-cart or power wheelchair to get around in. To get around the house; to convey myself to the little shopping plaza around the corner from me. Is it horrible to wish for this? Is it totally decadent; and to think of using diapers? Oh, well;I don't care. If it entertains me and keeps me fasting and makes me more comfortable -- fine. I have no possibility of procuring a go-cart. The diapers are a possibility and I think I will actually do this. I do not usually allow myself such things -- I think of them as indulgences, or was raised to eschew all plastics, kind of -- and so it is sort of exciting and makes me happy. i feel like "I am just as entitled to comfort as everybody else! Hurray!" /"I don't have to be more virtuous than everybody else!"/"I don't have to be superior to others!"/"I can be like others and be a part of the world!" ... of course, this use of plastics/using technology to enable my physical dysfunctionality is a sick, not a healthy, way of feeling included -- but oh, well.
Well, so, the news is I feel physically and emotionally better - no physical symptoms really except some weakness/fatigue, significant but not extreme. And my emotional symptoms are a lot better, too.
I feel like I have a lot more to say but am too tired to make the effort just now.
My plan is to sleep more right now; then come on line again; and then get dressed (ok, I think I can do that, though it will be hard) and address the diaper errand... then sunbathe! If the day gets nice and hot, that is. What I should do is, I should bundle up warm and sunbathe at the beach on my way back from getting diapers. But the beach is so boring and so cold. But there will probably be a lot of people there since it is Saturday so possibly it will not be that bad. During the day I will maybe text my AA friend, the woman in whom I have yet to confide about my fasting, or about the fact I am not in AA for drugs/alcohol. Maybe. Oh, and while I am out for diapers I can actually call up my new phone fasting contact. There is terribly bad phone reception at my house. It actually makes life really hard. I could not call this person yesterday. Of course a part of my sickness is also to strain myself by engaging in social activites that merely stress me. So staying off the phone is excellent sometimes. As is staying away from AA meetings. i ought jsut to do the socialization that I truly rejoice in. I am afraid to do this generally because I am afraid to be alone -- I guess -- or something. i can't figure it out right now.
I have also managed to begin streaming NPR on my laptop,so that is good. It took strength to make the effort of doing this, as crazily depressed as that sounds. OK. So I am crazily depressed. So fine. I am doing the right thing, fasting for it.
The really hard part is cutting off the relationships that stress me, and facing life alone.
I really wish I had more things to move myself along through my day and keep myself feeling un-lonely. Maybe I will sleep a LONG time and then maybe getting diapers will take a super-long time, too. I genuinely do not want to call anyone up or go to AA today. If I torture myself by doing so, there is a chance I will be compulsed to console myself with food. So. I will not call the people I ordinarily would, I guess.
Wishing everybody a happy day of fasting!!