Well, I almost lost the fast last night, but I know I will go 7 days now!
I was talking to my friend and was sort of able to assert myself to her ( as I reflect -- it seems ALL my closest friendships AND my family relationships are.. such that... when I merely THINK of asserting myself and being who I really am in them, I feel terror and such pain. I have felt in the past that my compulsive eating is driven by my self-repression around others)
Anyway I was feeling pangs -- though they were CLEARLY false -- the thought of eating anything actually made me so pained and ill -- they were triggering me.... as an excuse to eat.
So as I was talking to my friend I was articulating this desperate, on-going horror of my life -- that I NEED to fast so badly and now had seemingly lost yet another attempt at a fast... and I was moved to repeat to her my primary purpose:
I said that I NEEDED in my life to institute a real and non-negotiable discipline that if my body could not handle food (and it ALWAYS lets me know -- I am never in any doubt) I would RESPECT THIS and NOT EAT. This is the BASIC CHANGE that needs to occur in my life for me to begin to have health. .. So many years (decades) of repeatedly, DAILY, having OUT-OF-BODY-EXCRUCIATINGLY-PAINFUL experiences as I have refused to respect my body's inability to tolerate food, and brutally force-fed myself out of a rigid need to repress my emotional feelings ... I mean, my body's trust in me may never return. And the pain has really been such as makes me leave my body. Every day it has been this way. I get compulsed to eat; I know I cannot physically tolerate eating; I VIOLENTLY repress this awareness; I leave my own body. I then self-coercively STUFF myself; physical feeling returns within an hour; there is excruciating physical pain (bloating etc.) This must STOP. It seems the simplest thing in the world, yet this habit of brutally ignoring my body's messages -- I can remember when it really started in earnest -- I was 18? 19? and so it has been 21-22 years of daily horror and agony.
I was about to perpetrate it again. I was about to force down food against my body's clearest signals not to eat. But I said to my friend that I had to get off the phone since I was tired, & I also asserted myself a bit on some point where she had hurt my feelings (was asserting myself what helped me?), and then I just lay down, writing an agonized email to my email buddy saying how I dreaded confessing this loss of fast to the forum and just wanted to run away from the forum and hide and just eat and eat miserably and not come back. But where do I have, to run to? Nowhere. I didn't feel i had any right imposing on the forum, either. Eventually, since the supermarkets had closed and I didn't really want to steal any of my housemates' food, I .. SOMEHOW did not lose my fast. It is very disturbing to me that i came so close to losing it, and that I don't even feel free to hash it out here. But I have kept the fast and will now do it 7 days just out of spite. (yes, I am aware of my disproportionate rage at others generally & my other co-dependent personality problems) Better for that reason than stopping.
so, hurray! I am doing an enema now i think and then getting some more sleep. Almost in Day Three now!!!
maybe I'll just keep the name Grumpy for a while!