Hi, I just felt the urge to post so as to keep affirming I am fasting fasting fasting. Thanks to everyone for all your great responses. I am become superstitious /compulsive about posting. Oh, well. The thing is I know I need to stay with it and keep respecting my body's strong messages (which I have never heeded before) to STOP THE FOOD AND STAY AWAY FROM IT. As I respect my body this time, and keep fasting, respecting my detox process and great need to fast, it is the first time in my life I have ever shown myself this respect. It is a breakthrough for me. I am pretty scared by it but less so than yesterday. It is new and unfamiliar.
I am harboring two dirty secrets. So maybe I will come clean. The first one is that on the day before I started fasting, I ate so much. It was pretty bad. I think this is why -- no, I KNOW this is why -- I am having such a terrifyingly hard time having a bowel movement now. Oh, I don't know if I can give the details of my eating. Ok. On the day before the fast ... no... I am not sure I want to go there. It was 2 meals , one at 4 pm and one at midnight, of about 1000/1200/ 1300 calories EACH. All raw foods but that only reduces the harm a little. I am lucky to have succeeded in fasting for a transformatively long time after that episode; and I know I had that episode because of anxiety about the big change that I was finally going to allow in my life, but.. it was wrong.. I just don't want to act like that again. I felt pretty ill the next day, the first day of the fast. I actually had abdominal ache/pain. The meals were very high in fat.I am frightened and dismayed by the behavior. I am posting it just to say it out loud and see myself saying it out loud and thus help myself find a solution to it. I think the behavior goes pretty deep. But still, I think that I can find a way to stop it that works. Generally I do not do it (eat such huge heavy meals) at all. My usual rule for eating is to have no more than 400 calories at once. Or , this is a rule that I have gradually over the past year become more and more resigned/committed to. I have in all this to keep in mind the necessity of adhering to rules and limits and discipline FOR MY HEALTH. I want to have children. I must emphasize that to myself. I want to have children and to do this I have to get and stay "food-sober."
My second dirty secret is this. I have been fantasizing about, after this fast, indulging in real junk food. Nothing containing actual sugar, but allowing everything else. As I have progressed in the fast, the thought of this has started to make me feel ill, and that stops the thoughts sometimes.
My conflict is this. I do really want to make a total inner commitment never to have such foods again in my life. I really want that. But to do it without saying "farewell" to these junk foods makes me feel really angry, disappointed, and deprived. I think fasting will bring me eventually into a state in which I do not want the foods at all and if I stay "clean" I will be preserved from wanting them. But right now, all I can think is: I cannot make the real commitment to stopping them forever unless I allow myself to have them again just "one last time." ... I know the danger in this: the one final indulgence is not quite satisfying and leads to , perhaps, months of compulsively eating the addictive foods in question and practically being unable to do anything else or think about anything else in life -- to having a terrible quality of life, -- to being fully a junkie, an addict. To really hurting your relationships. And to really hurting your body and setting yourself back in all your progress. .... such a "Farewell to food" if it were to be successful might take immense support and planning. And it would also involve getting REALLY SICK on the foods in question. I have adhered to a raw-food-only diet for over two years now. Oh God.
Immediately after this fast I am actually committed to eating VERY LITTLE and of course raw foods only and as far as possible adhering to totally non-triggering foods (sprouted, fully living items, the bitter-tasting, non-starchy, totally non-triggering ones, the ones you "naturally" stop eating the second you have had enough). I have EVEN started to create these sprouted items. I initiated this yesterday. I worked with my sprouter. Today I partly completed the cleaning of my sprouter. A lot of sproutable items are soaking now in preparation for going into the sprouter. NO WILLLINGNESS/ENERGY right now to go complete this process -- but -- I don't know. i am just trying to articulate that I.... a part of me... wants to really be totally disciplined after the fast and just eat like a bite of food every few hours, which is the limit of what my body will be able to handle.... and a part of me... wants just to indulge on the (albeit raw) food ... wants to go back to eating sweet fruit, which I cannot do, with my candidiasis... I actually see no real way to avoid starting to eat fruit again. I have just such a fear and terror of not eating -- I really have to work through this so that I can begin to really respect my body, which really needs me to eat so , so lightly , until it really heals.
For now, i am just working on getting through these days until my body gathers the strength to move its bowels and I feel better -- and I think I may feel less food-addicted when this bowel movement occurs.